A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I moved to another state to be with my fiance after he asked me to move in with him. I sold my house and moved away from all my friends to a small rural town. I am from a big city. I got laid off, lost my husband--all life changing events.He runs a company and makes a lot of money in the six figures. I can't work there because it would be a conflict of interest. I wanted to pay half of all the bills but he said no just to be clear.I am working very hard to get my small business going. I have had to start all over with all the upheaval in my life. Money is very tight for me right now. After I pay him sometimes I don't have a dime to my name at the end of the month.His assistant is pregnant with number two. She got married. She had a kid by this same man earlier. He said it is all on her shoulders to bring in the money since her husband is only a ranch hand.Then he remarked to me I am "sure" that we could make it in my profession--it was not meant to be funny. He was comparing my income to the ranch hand husband.My late husband and I never made near what my fiance makes but we worked hard together to make a living. I worked a job that required a lot of overtime and on weekends. My job was my life. Believe me, I miss that paycheck dearly. At one point my late husband said I did not have to work so hard anymore because he was making more money. He wanted me to quit. I said no, I will continue to work. In his profession he would get laid off from time to time and my job was solid and it would see us through those times.Sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed in the big city with more options and opportunities. I'm a driven person and ambitious. I'm use to working very hard.How do you handle the disparities of income levels in your relationship?
View related questions:
ambition, fiance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): The OP here. He wants a pre-nup to protect his assets.I have assets I need to protect too. So we are bringing money into this when we marry. I guess his ex-wife took him to the cleaners and he doesn't want that to happen again. So money is an issue with him. He had to start all over after she kicked him out. He doesn't like stay at home moms, etc. His ex never got a job after begging her numerous times and he told me he saw other women working with kids (they had 2) so why couldn't she.Btw-I paid for my whole move and wouldn't expect him to pay anything towards that.The income disparity is huge with him getting a six figure salary and me currently making a pittance. I have a small monthly stipend but not much left over after I am done paying him.Our finances would not be in the traditional sense. What is his is his and what is mine is mine at this stage of the game in regards to income. So nothing will be combined. He wants separate accounts.But his comparing my income to a ranch hand's income, and in a roundabout way saying that we couldn't make it on my income is what got to me. Truth be told, no we couldn't. I guess I didn't need that rubbed in my face since I am trying so hard to get my business going. Money isn't going to flow from a business immediately. I think that is the problem he is having with this.I don't want him to think he is some sort of sugar daddy nor do I want his money. I don't want him to feel I am taking advantage of him either which maybe he is starting to feel. Yes, I could have moved to a bigger city, worked 3 jobs to make ends meet but I wanted to be with him.Coming from a traditional view of finances with my late husband this is a new twist not combining our incomes together. I feel alone a lot in that regard.There is some company policy about husband wife teams that can't be at the same place of employment where he works.After I got laid off, I can't count the number of resumes I sent to federal government. I really wanted to work for them. But alas, I got no response. My skill level has probably lapsed by now too even try and apply.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2013):
 What income disparities do you speak of? The fact that he makes 50k and I make nearly 90k? we don't see that.
what we see is OUR HOME and OUR life and OUR money.
My background story: met him in person in mid 2010 started an "affair" in late 2010 early 2011... it was long distance. He is 13 years younger than I am. By late 2011 he had given up his apartment of ten years, and his job and his life and all his local friends and moved 2 hours south to be with me at what was then my home (now our home) because my job was very long term and very secure.
But by the time he had moved we had already combined all our funds and paid all our bills out of OUR MONEY.
We both were raised that if you are married (and or committed as if married) that there is no HIS or MINE it's all OURS.... an old fashioned traditional home so to speak.
NEITHER of us spends money without first discussing it with the other. Of course we both have discretion for small things like lunch during the week at work (and we save our receipts and go over them on friday nights together) And we are solvent enough that we rarely say no to each other.... of course I keep being told I can't have a beach house... but that's understandable....
IF you are engaged and planning to be married, is there a reason you feel the need to keep your funds separate?
He runs a company that is doing well... I do not see how you working there is a conflict of interest. HE'S THE BOSS. I work for the federal government and I can tell you that there are many couples here that are married and working in the same building....
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (12 February 2013):
I suppose it depends on the relationship. I have read a lot of studies (and seen a lot of cases) when the woman has a better job/makes more money, it causes problems in the marriage. I wont go into the why's again here, but just know it does happen. That said, this doesn't seem to be the problem in your case since you fiancee makes much more money.I worked on Wall St for over 15 years. I now own my own business. I have made and do make a lot of money. My fiancee is a teacher. After we marry, she will not have to work but she wants to, and I think that is good for her. After we have children, she probably wont want to work any longer, and I'm fine with that too. In fact, I think it is my job as a man to make sure she can do so. Hence, in our case, our income disparities are a positive thing.
...............................
|
