A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Are there guys out there who are happy to accept their girlfriend without trying to change her? A year ago my long term boyfriend wanted to change so much about me - my taste in music wasn't girly enough, my clothes not classy enough, my glasses were just awful, my sex drive too high for a girl, the list goes on. (needless to say I couldn't stand it any longer and broke up with him). Is there anything I can do to attract guys who are more likely to accept me for who I am? Are there men out there who aren't put off by a woman who knows what she likes and is open about sex? Things generally go bad in my relationships because the guys expect me to be something I'm not; I come across as being sweet and needing protection I think, which is the opposite of how I would like to be treated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): The "accidental" thing can be difficult to pinpoint because what you could be doing, could also very well be how those men perceive you as which is something out of your control. I am unsure if you can understand this metaphor, but it is like a large crowd staring at a wall painted red. When asked what colour that wall is, I can pretty much bet that all of them will say "red". Therefore, if you are the colour red, then you are the colour red. This isn't something you can 'change' so easily.The question that has been floating in my mind since I started responding to your comment is: "How did you get together with those men intimately?"The reason I ask this is because you said you seek someone who can connect with you on a friendship level while spark up the chemistry that connects you two intimately. Well the 'issue' in regards to this is that many women and men 'skip' the friendship 'stage' and directly head into the intimate stage, in hopes that a friendship can be created while there. This works for some and for others, doesn't quite work. It doesn't work because of the different mentalities and layerings of those individuals. We cannot expect that every individual is capable of recognizing another person's needs and wants in a respectful manner. We can only hope that our love interest would 'automatically' respect our desires.A 'broad solution' to your 'problem' could be how you start off your intimate relationships. I know this is vague. It is vague because a large part of it has to do with your personality and the way you handle things. You see, you can't force yourself to become what you are not. Therefore, advice can only be helpful and/or useful if it meets the way you handle your intimate encounters. If I suggested that you take things constipatedly (not really a word) slow to reassess and test out your potential love interests, to see if they can be respectful towards you, this in fact, may not actually work for you. On another hand, if I suggested that you right-out ask your love interest, "Are you into me because you want to sleep with me and own me or do you sincerely really want to be with me?" - that also may not work for you.My apologies because being an 'Agony Uncle' would best work-out if these Uncles and Aunties actually knew the people who need help, more personally. Alas, we can't and therefore, we can only offer an experience-related opinion.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): Thanks Ginseng! The fact that you can't get your head around this tells me loud and clear there are decent guys out there :) The problem is that in my 10ish years of dating experience, I've never found one. Men tend to see me and want to possess me (not a concept I like, being a possession). They seem to assume I'm perfect for them without knowing me first. No guy has ever been happy to just be my friend, which is how I would like relationships to develop, from friendship and knowing someone well. Even the most decent guy I've ever known admitted to me that he would stare at me in meetings and wish I was his. And this was when he had a girlfriend and we'd never spoken about anything but work. I guess I'm just frustrated at not being able to establish the kind of relationship I want. Though I have only dated a very small percentage of the 6.5 billion ;) Is there anything I could be doing accidentally that attracts these guys instead of the decent ones who want to know who I am?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): I cannot grasp the idea of this, so please bare with my ignorance.
I imagined that people go into a relationship with another person, because the attraction of that person has to do with how they are and not what they might be. With this logic, I would suspect that change comes consistently and gradually as the relationship experiences new things and continues the connection. In other words, change would only occur in a natural way between the couple.
I cannot imagine myself, as a man (or a cat in a prior life ^o~), that I would fall for a woman because of how she might be, rather than how she is now.
[ponders]
Actually, what is your question? It seemed like you asked a rhetorical rather than something that actually needed an answer, unless you are also ignorant and that the world of 6.5 billion humans is not enough to tell us that there is indeed a vast variety of personalities on the planet?
Regardless, of course you can find a man that would fall for who you are now. Change is inevitable, but only naturally and when it calls for it, to upgrade oneself to keep the relationship flow. That also means interactively.
For example: if you were my lover, the only change I would expect from you is the change you are comfortable with that you make on your own. Otherwise, if it's change that you're uncomfortable with, then I see it as a man trying to control his assets and that, my dear, is blatantly quite disgusting.
You 'should' stand your ground and cast away emotional obligation to your lover(s), that try to change you for their own personal gains.
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