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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm sick of trying to get along with a grown woman these days. Every woman I've known just makes the same mistakes in life for the same reasons. I don't even want to keep trying to find anyone different anymore. How do I find a grown adult female who hasn't gotten herself 500 pounds of emotional baggage by the middle of her 20s? How do I find one that hasn't already wasted the best of her emotional self on a bunch of ex-BFs that were obviously total assholes on the first day that they met? It's not my fault they did that. I didn't do that to myself. I didn't let a bunch of exes tear me apart and throw me away just because that relationship was fun for part of the time. I respected myself like a mature adult and didn't date girls who were emotionally abusive to me. And sometimes that meant sacrificing a lot of fun over it. I didn't ever hurt anyone else like that either. So haven't I earned the right not to have to deal with this shit in someone else? I don't want a wife that 15 other guys have already used up, crumpled up, and thrown away. I don't want to clean up all the permanent shit that always causes them. It's not my problem in the first place.What can I do? Do I have to start dating 18 year olds just to find a woman without permanent damage between her ears?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): wow. you are cynical, even for this place.sure, some women put up with a lot of crap they shouldn't put up with. maybe it's b/c they had low self-esteem, were insecure, whatever. sometimes they outgrow it, get their sh*t together and later are ready for real relationships w/o all the drama. sometimes they just stay drama queens, looking for someone to rescue them. i have plenty of late 20s, single/dating friends that fall into both categories, so, on the one hand, i can sort of see where you're coming from.at the same time ... seriously? what's w/ the venom, dude? i mean ... there is some serious hostility pent up in that post. which leads me to question ... are you really so un-damaged? maybe not by bad lovers, but ...life and love are rarely black and white. people in screwed up relationships normally started out kind of screwed up themselves, though it may have taken the bad relationship to really make it obvious. you rarely find some totally emotionally un-laden person who walks into a r'ship w/ no issues, and walks away from it a basket case. barring some kind of total freak show/psychopath in the other person (a la sleeping w/ the enemy, insert other horror movie here), that just doesn't happen. it takes two to tango.so, go ahead and just simmer down. there are plenty of emotionally healthy women out there. when they hear you, they're probably running away, b/c you sound like a bit of a nut job w/ all the venom. as for the women who aren't emotionally healthy, they certainly exist, too. so what? do your thing, and just continue to avoid them. honestly, it doesn't take more than a few dates to sort out the bad eggs from the good; after that, it's more subtle compatibility and values issues, plus sifting through the layers of image work that each of you has been putting on for show.
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (26 August 2008):
 We are out here, just waiting to find the right guy. Many of us do not shove our past in our new partner's face so somehow you're just meeting the wrong women.
We all have a past, not to get over but to understand. We all have issues, and I for one am willing to share my issues with a potential partner and it is up to him whether or not he can accept me as I am. Same goes for you as I am sure at mid thirties that you have some issues as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Hi
Mr unspoilt by life!
Have you lived and tasted the bitter sweet? you do sound bitter actually so maybe you are a little tainted yourself! by these ruined used women harlots. Have you earned the right? the right for what? an easy life! yes if you want!!!!!!! you have... jump on the boat and sail down the river, no exciting water rapids for you boy, don't forget your helmet and mars bar for energy and do not get bored knowing which shore your boat will land on. You don't want to experience the adventure of finding that new island and the wild flowers that you have never seen before, and you want your clothes to be still dry and ironed. You want a map of life! well maybe God gave you and you alone one...you sound like a right boring git to me.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (25 August 2008):
 In many cases there does seem to be something about a lot of women that craves the "bad boy" and will go to extreme lengths sometimes to get him and try to hold him. Most of the women who have burned by this type of guy tend to be VERY vocal about it afterwards, creating the impression that they are a LOT more numerous than they really are.
Many years ago a woman who I was interested in but who regarded me as a good friend was busy chasing a real jerk, and she asked me "Where are all the nice guys?" My answer was "they're sitting around waiting for the girls to get done chasing the a-holes." She honestly didn't see the dynamic she was complaining about. But she kept getting dumped by such guys, and kept coming back for more.
As I said, there aren't a lot of them, but they ARE very vocal about it, so they give the impression that they are legion.
The truth is if you can get these women to get out of themselves and realize they've got a really good man, they make wonderful girlfriends. They drop the baggage like a hot potato and are grateful as hell that at last they've got somebody who ISN'T treating them like yesterday's dog vomit. The trick, though, is that you have to be able to get past the initial bitching routine to get to that point. And sometimes that's not easy, as you've discovered.
If you can't manage that, there really are plenty of women out there who haven't been through this kind of an emotional wringer. They don't say a lot about it because they don't have a lot to say. But keep on watching and you'll find them.
Good hunting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): The first woman who I dated had been a lot like me until she left her first husband. We both had only one sexual partner before our first marriages ended. The night after she left her 1st she went out and met a guy and ended up in bed with him. She had 4 or 5 orher sexual partners while she was dating the first guy in that first year and slept with 10 guys over 3 years until she started dating me.
She allowed herself to get used, get screwed once and dumped a couple of times and had a lot of guilt about what she was doing. She had a lot of baggage, as you put it. Because of her guilt, she had a need to tell me about her sexual escapades starting on out second date. It hurt a lot because I was brought up to not think well of a woman like that. She broke up with her 10th boyfriend the night after our first date. She was my first after my first wife left me.
I had a hard time accepting her past behavior over the next couple of years. I dated 4 other women while I dated her for a couple of years and then decided that I wanted to stay with her. It was the best decision of my life. She is the most caring, understanding, sexual and loving woman that a guy could want. She was happy when I was dating one of those 4 women and her because she could tell how happy I was to be dating and sleeping with 2 women who both liked me. What more could a guy ask for in a loving woman. She even encouraged me to date others.
We eventually got married after 6 years of dating and living together and have been married for 23 years. She is still the same great wife that I started with.
Yes, she got used and thrown out by some of the guys who she slept with. She felt cheap when she met me and was afraid that I would dump her because of her slutty past. She was hurt by her first cheating husband and her getting used by some other guys and didn't have very high self-esteem. She had been used, but she was far from being used up.
Men and women both do a lot of stupid and hurtful things for different reasons. They may use others, allow themselves to get uesd, act like total sluts and then go back to acting like the people that they really are. They are not used up. There is a lot of love left in them after they start to recover from their mistakes or abuse.
Just because a woman acts like a slut doesn't mean that she is one. She might be hurting from abuse or relationship failure and uses sex to try to get some love and affection. I have found that a lot of very nice and loving women have done that. Many of those "sluts" are the best women who you could hope to have for a partner. Once they find the right guy they completely change back into the women that they really are - loving, faithful, understanding, sexual and just plain great partners.
Just remember that nobody is perfect and sometimes the imperfect people turn out to be some of the best. The emotional baggage that you talk about is most likely the pain and/or guilt from what they have done and have been through. We all have some of that. Most of us recover from our mistakes and become great partners to a loving person.
My wife screwed 11 guys before me. Sure, I wish that the number would have been less and so does she. However, I have screwed her 10 times more than all of them put together. I have lovingly held her after sex 20 times more than all of them put together. She has also shown more love toward me than she ever did to any of them, probably including her first husband. She loves being with me all day, she loves sleeping and cuddling with me at night and she loves the sex that we have together several times a week. She loves this more with me than she ever did with any of them and she shows it most every day. I also show the same to her and she can also tell it. Even when I was dating other women while I was dating her she tells me that she could tell that I would rather be with her.
We all have baggage. Accept that and find one of the many women out there who have baggage and will still be the most wonderful partner that you could ask for if you show them love, affection, respect and caring. They will jump through hoops for you if you do the same for them.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 You say you haven't let your ex'es tear you apart, so where does the bitterness come from?
If you go out and find only damaged women, look somewhere else.
Or could it be that only damaged women go for you because healthy women don't want a guy who sounds so bitter about women in general and considers the emotions of his gf not his problem?
People of our age are going to have a past and that usually involves some baggage, deal with it.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 Its not only you guys that ask the same questions you know!
Its hard for us females sometimes to meet someone that hasn't got major issues too. If i met a guy that i fancied, got on great with and he wanted the same as me, i would probably be there like a shot! Unfortunately i only meet young guys, or older guys that spend every waking moment in the pub pulling young girls.
Do you ever think you mix in the wrong places maybe?
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother +, writes (25 August 2008):
 A grown woman is a woman who has experienced life's knocks, a mature woman is a woman who has experienced life's knocks, has learned from them, has done her best not to repeat her mistakes and still comes out with compassion for others, optimism and a smile on her face.
You sound angry and frustrated.
You don't want to try and find anyone different anymore, and yet you quite obviously do.
How can all these women be making the same mistake if they're choosing to be with you?!
For every damaged woman there's at least one man who has treated her badly. My point is that men are just as much at fault as women. Perhaps men can just walk away from these situations, pick themselves up and dust themselves off (I don't believe that!), whereas we women do feel used, crumpled and discarded, often for a long time afterwards.
Yet we still don't give up hope that out there lies the exception to the rule; the man who will love and respect his woman, the woman who will trust and appreciate her man.
I don't believe dating 18 year olds will give you what you are looking for. I do believe there are plenty of women out there who are perfectly capable of having a mature relationship with you. In the meantime, you don't have to date all the mixed up women but please soften your heart a little and have some compassion.
Good luck!
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