A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:I'm 23 and have my own car and job. I'm an honest person who actually wants a relationship. Yet I've been burned twice this year by two players. I'm so sick and tired of being used. One guy cheated on me and dumped me by text message. The other guy said he wanted a relationship with me. But after we slept together, he dumped me saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. Lame. I've been asked out by other guys, only to find out that they have wives or girlfriends. Why don't guys actually appreciate a genuine woman? Do I have a sign on my back? I'm losing hope of ever meeting someone nice
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): I know several good honest men. Most of them have problems getting women because honesty just does not create enough drama to keep women interested.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): You ex was an inconsiderate fool then. It happens OP seriously. Sometimes things just don't work out and sometimes you can date a person a long while only for them to turn into an asshole or do crappy things.
Don't judge every guy based on him.
All you can do is keep going, it's not the last time you'll date an asshole unless the next guys turns out be a great guy and a keeper.
The thing is OP, is not to get disheartened, not to lose your faith in yourself, your ability to be loved and most of all don't lose faith in men. We're not all that bad, there are lots out there that aren't.
You do have to alter how you approach relationships though, you have to be an independent woman that brings something to the relationship and keeps those things, you can't just drop everything and dedicate your all to relationships straight away or ever really. That is too needy, clingy and losing yourself makes you far too reliant on that other person.
I'm with my girl 4 1/2 years now and while I love her to death and consider her and important part of my life. She is not my life if you know what I mean. She's an equal partner sharing my life with me. She gets to share my friends and family things like that but I have my own interests outside of her, college is very important to me and I wouldn't give it up just for her, I also have quite a few hobbies and things that I wouldn't give up for her and she's the same.
You see both of us are more important to ourselves than we are to each other. We both agree wholeheartedly that we are in this because it benefits us, if circumstances were ever to change in which one of us wasn't getting what we need or desire then we'd have to rethink the whole thing. You see neither of us wants a person who gives up everything for the relationship, whats the point in that? I want her in my life but I don't want to be the most important thing in her life. I want to be important to her but equal to all the other aspects of her life.
Keep trying OP but do not allow yourself to get lost in relationships or you will completely miss any bad signs, not only that but you become so reliant on that other person that you will ignore bad signs you do see, or let them pass and hope they resolve themselves because you don't want to lose that person.
The way we are now is that potential source of conflict is nipped in the bud, is tackled immediately and brought up. You see we both maintained our positions of strength because essentially we're both independent people sharing our lives.
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (20 December 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did take things slow with my ex, only to be dumped by text, after a year of dating
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A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (20 December 2010):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replys, they're very helpfull. I think in the past I have been too naive and trusting, that is my main problem. I get caught up in being in a relationship sometimes, that I don't look to see if the guy deserves me. My other problem is that I lose myself when I have a boyfriend. I don't keep doing my own thing, I do everything with my boyfriend. And I turn into one of those couples I hate! Thanks for your advice it has been very helpful
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): I know how you feel and it can be very dis heartening but don't give up. I suggest you take it VERY slow the next time yo meet a guy you like. Go on dates, get to know each other and DO NOT sleep with him for at least 3 or 4 months.
See how he treats you and if he makes an effort to get to know you as a person. Players will usually give up once they realise they aren't going to get in your pants so easily.
Also, if you ever hear and guy has a reputation, don't walk, run from him because they don't have a reputation for nothing. You'll find someone genuine eventually, you're still young and most guys your age can be a little immature so it's going to be a case of weeding out the bad ones.
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A
male
reader, easycomenevergo  +, writes (19 December 2010):
I'm an honest 20 year old guy. My findings is that women are just plain stupid in this regard. The honest ones seem boring and non sexy, and thus women don't pay attention to them. The guys who are the kind of assholes you talk about seem pretty nice.
The fun part is that the honest ones in fact AREN'T boring but have more interesting lives than the guys who are always after women. Because that is all they do, hunt women.
So my tip to you is: find a guy who is quite boring. Get to know him, and find out that he is NOT boring. His mask is only telling you that. You'll find out later on that he is honest. Boring guys don't pretend to be better than they are. That alone makes them more honest than players.
Can't women see this? Seriously, are all women retarded?
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A
male
reader, Hindsight2020  +, writes (19 December 2010):
There are plenty but you're looking for love in the wrong places. When men are attracted they'll do and say whatever it takes to get you in the sack. I advise you to find a nice guy who's stable and develop a friendship first. Find a guy who's a giver. At 23 most guys are just looking to sew their oats. Look for a guy thats looking for a partner that you can be friends with, not just mutual attraction. Take things slow, develop trust and intimacy before sex. Just after a man orgasms that first time they have a moment of extreme clarity, that prior was clouded by hormonal fog. They suddenly see you as either a) a threat to their freedom or b) a precious mate to be cherished. Find a guy that you can talk about life with so when that moment comes he will see you as more, not less than before it happened.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (19 December 2010):
 What criteria are you using to select these guys? Is it just any guy that asks you out? Are you looking for fun and excitement? Often, when I hear women say they want a nice guy, what they mean is "I want one of these exciting player-types to be nice and faithful to me," not "I want a normal, nice guy."
You may not be doing that, but it's important to really consider the traits you look for in guys, and where you find these guys. Try meeting guys through mutual friends for a while, if you can.
If you date a guy who's boring, give him a second and third date to get comfortable with you. Maybe he'll open up. Guys who open up and are fun right away may be players like this. Patience is the key here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): Bad luck and/or the kind of guys you like.
You know every woman I know says they want a nice guy and only one of them ever gives nice guys a chance. Only one of them is actually attracted to nice guys.
All the rest just like getting with players, lots of reasons why but mainly that's just their type.
Of course we want a genuine woman and even the guys you dated wanted that so they could use you.
This might sound counter-intuitive but you have to play the game. You wear your heart on your sleeve and you make it easy for guys to use you.
You might find this useful http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
Because it seems to me your issue may be that you just don't recognize the signs. Players are good at masking them but they're not foolproof.
But yeah bad luck is probably huge factor, don't give up, nice guys are out there but as others suggest take your time with guys and when you first start dating them. Sit down and try and objectively think why you find this guy attractive what is it you like about him, the good and the bad.
Like most women you could just be a sucker for smooth talkers with nice smiles and get into relationships with guys without making them work hard enough to prove they deserve to be with you.
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A
female
reader, Agony Aunt Annabel  +, writes (19 December 2010):
 Ok, I have this thing... depending on how long and how serious your relationships were, leave time for yourself to heal before leaping into another relationship.
My normal timeline is about 6 months for a year long relationship and a couple of years if it was a LONG SERIOUS one... but that varies from person to person... but by heal emotionally, I don't mean don't date, I just mean don't race into a relationship and don't have sex early on; that can be what some guys want, as you've found out.
At 23, you're young and need time to settle into yourself and hang out with friends before you settle down.
I wouldn't straight away let everyone know you're ready to settle down, because that can scare some guys away before you've got to know them and they have got to know you. Try building friendships with guys before dating them.
You will find your true love, have faith in that. In the meantime, try going out to a speed-dating group with a girlfriend of yours... it might not be your thing, but try it out; it might be fun and who knows, any relationships that come out of it should be good ones, not necessarily romantic or sexual ones.
Good Luck, Sweetie:)x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): The same thing happens to me, so you're not alone. Guys just seem to want to play games. I have recently been feeling like it is pointless, but I have been on this site for a long time now, and I have seen many questions from guys saying pretty much the same thing. Nice guys who want to know if they will ever meet an honest girl. So they are out there! They do exist. It can be hard finding the right person, but I have hope for both of us that it can and will happen. I know this isn't advice as such, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and to try and offer some hope.
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female
reader, IsabelRed  +, writes (19 December 2010):
Oh that's really sad but you need not worry. You should give some time being friends with the guy you are interested in or the one who asks you out, before sleeping with him. If you are looking for a relationship you should avoid all sorts of desperation and give yourself time to heal emotionally. You don't need to indulge yourself totally into the relationship search, live your life independently and remember the guy who waits for you is the real one for you. Sex is not the base that starts any relationship it is the emotional connection that counts. Try to be friends with the guy first may be that'll help you. You are awesome i am sure so don't loose hope. You'll surely find someone worth it. God bless. Take care:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): Head up doll!
Youve just met the wrong guys definitely. It has nothing to do with you and who you are. You will find someone nice and who treats u like an actual lady. try maybe getting hooked up thru someone thats close to you cause they know you best and could help potentially match. Im not surprised of these men and how they act, but I am surprised a woman like you with great relationship intentions is still single :)
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (19 December 2010):
Keep looking, you'll find the right guy for you. You can't lose hope over 2 failed relationships. That's just 2 guys out of a possibility of 10's of thousands of potential boyfriends out there. It'll work out just put the previous experiences in the past and move on in life.
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