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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi aunts and uncles, I was just wondering if I had made the best decision…Five years ago, my husband and I struck a friendship with a couple that is about 12 years older. They live in the same village where we bought a house, where we hope to move permanently one day.I think that they are good people, but also I have seen signs of certain nosy behaviors and have been telling my hubby that we need to make sure to always have clear boundaries with them. We like hanging out with people in general and them in particular, but not necessarily every single day. They on the other hand are interested only in hanging out with others. They hate being alone. They work a lot (hyperactive and I’m not kidding, they go crazy when they have nothing to do, they do not read, watch films… they need physical activity), and when I say hang out for them it doesn’t mean just leisure time, they also work with/for other people all the time. They are miserable otherwise.Here's how they function with their kids and with everyone else (I'm a bit oversimplifying, I know): they like to make people dependent so that they can control them, in a way. They always offer help, go above and beyond even when you do not ask. So from the very start, we made sure to have a “quid pro quo“ relationship. We didn’t want them to think that we are going to lean too much in them, although they, in a way, kept asking for it. Whenever we could, we helped them out, from little to big things. We never wanted to be indebted to them, like some others around us are. To be frank, the others I mentioned really use our friends. It’s their business; I’m just painting a picture here.Our friends asked me if I could help them clean out their house and organize their stuff and I said yes. It was supposed to happen either this weekend or sometimes next week. They haven’t said when and I insisted they called me to tell me when and I made sure they knew I really wanted to do that for them.But something happened a day before yesterday. They crossed a line. We haven’t asked them for help, when at some point they insisted we should have an electrician, their friend, come and take a look at the problem we have with our barn. Just a clarification: we don’t use it often, it’s not urgent and we told them that. Long story short, a day before yesterday they sent the guy to our house without notifying us and we weren’t there. To make matters even more complicated, I had sent a text (that they got, but maybe hadn’t seen, overworked as they are) early in the morning that day that we were headed to a nearby town to visit a doctor and asked them if they needed something.Anyway, they called us on the entirely different subject, as soon as their friend set off, and when they heard that we weren’t home they freaked out. I mean really freaked out. They YELLED at my husband who was on the phone that we were irresponsible and there was no reasoning with them. I can’t describe how horrible it was. They were both screaming especially the wife. It was impossible to make them see that it wasn’t:1. our fault since they hadn’t let us know beforehand2. a problem, since we always leave EVERYTRHING open and all they had to do was call their friend a let him know that it was okay to go ahead without us.And for me, the most important is that we had already let them know that we weren’t home.We were back at their place less than 40 min after that horrible conversation. First of all we were surprised to see that the electrician had already finished at our place (and it’s a 15 min drive in each direction!) and was know repairing something in their kitchen (we had thought that he had decided not to do anything at our place).The wife, was doing something with her back turned. She barely said hi and pretended that she was too busy to acknowledge my presence. The husband was outside talking to a neighbor and pretended like nothing happened, the yelling I mean.The electrician explained that he had found the problem that required that we replace the whole 300 foot long underground cable. I asked him how it was done and how much it would cost. He was vague and said that he didn’t know if the wire had been dug directly into the ground or if it were in a tube. The atmosphere was pretty tense on their part. I was being nice when I asked. I asked him how much we owed him for that day and he gave me a sum that amounts to about 150 USD. I was shocked but I didn’t show it. That is a robbery even by our big city standards. Fortunately we had some cash and I paid him immediately. Without turning her back the wife mumbled something like “Well that is what it is like to be a home owner”. That was really uncalled for. We take good care of our home. Since we bought it we made so many improvements… The electrician didn’t give us a bill and we didn’t get anything in writing about what he had found. So basically, we paid for nothing. This is especially true, because as soon as we got back home, I went to the barn and saw a tube sticking out from the ground with the cable. So the electrician didn’t even bother to check that which was obvious, which made us really doubt his opinion. Anyway, my hubby was especially in a bad mood since it was his birthday. He turned 40 and found himself being wrongfully yelled at as if he were their kid. So he told me that as soon as the situation presented itself he was going to talk to the husband and let him know that we like them very much but that they cannot treat us the way they had.Later that evening, he got a text from the wife congratulating his birthday. He didn’t feel like answering it. He did so yesterday.Yesterday morning I got a text from her asking if we wanted something from a shop. I replied immediately, thanking her and saying that we are fine. I asked her how she was and if she had gotten her medical results (she had done a test), BUT I didn’t ask her if they still needed help with the cleaning of their house. Normally I would remind her and let her know that I wanted to do that, even though I had already told to call me when they were ready to do that. If she asks I will say yes and use that opportunity to talk to them. Btw, she hasn’t written me back yet.I just didn’t feel like pretendeing that everything was fine, because it wasn’t. In my opinion, their behavior was unacceptable. So, my question is, am I overreacting? I don’t think I am and I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of reminding her that I wanted to help them. I didn’t want to accept their game, so to speak, and play the role of a “guilty child” who is now trying to “please the mother”.I don’t think that we should blow this out of proportion either. Make it an ego-issue. I understand that they are really stressed. They are overworked for sure and take on too much on themselves. Maybe the wife got some really worrying results? Maybe the situation with their adult drug addict son, who had recently spent a few nights in jail, got worse? Maybe it’s all these things? But no matter the reason, they cannot take it out on us. Am I going the right way about this?Thank you for your thoughts!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2020): I would not have paid that guy.I would have told him I did not hire you...in fact he trespasses on your property.I would never talk to these people again.In fact I more than not would sell and relocate.These people are crazy and in fact what they did might be considered criminal depending on where you live.If they crossed this line I would also wonder what else they have been up to behind your back.I would also check your credit reports all of them.....then put a freeze on your credit to protect yourself.These people.are crazy.You cannot reason with crazy or predict what crazy will do so my advice is total avoidance of these wack jobs.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2020): Too close for comfort a merging of boundaries, people only get through these boundaries when we let them. Even if you are been manipulated, you recognize this, so you can stop them. To allow this boundary-crossing is unhealthy and can only lead to frustration and resentment.
Make your boundaries known, but remember they do not read minds. If you want to say NO! then say NO and mean what you say, be clear and assertive. It is fair to them if you want to remain, friends because they will have a clear boundary and know not to cross it.
However the shouting match is not something I would tolerate, I do believe friends sometimes deserve second chances, as we all do sometimes, none of us are perfect and screw up and act in way's that are far from angelic.
I would tell them that If they ever spoke to me like that again, then we would part ways forever.
Sounds like your all trying too hard to be friends and have expectations of what you believe friendship is about, just a feeling I get. Friends are just natural chemistry and great when they just suddenly roll up 5 years down the line, like no gap or explanation and pick up from when you last saw each other. A lot of my friends are like this, and sometimes we don't like each other and sulk but we always laugh after, we know our boundaries.
Friends know what upsets and what pleases.
Stop trying to please each other and be true to your own character, if you don't like something, then tell them straight! but tell them kindly and if all grown up, no damage done.
Your friendship (on both sides) sounds a bit like hard work to me. Textbook relationships never work well.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 May 2020):
 I have to agree with Auntie Cindy.
This would go no further for me, if these were my neighbors. It's REALLY not YOUR problem that they feel a need to go go go go and do do do… They can live however THEY chose to.
Yelling at you and your husband? Unacceptable.
Sending a guy to work on your property without your PERMISSION and CONSENT? Unacceptable.
And I would definitely make sure they FULLY understand that they do NOT send over someone to work on your house or property EVER. If you want something fixed YOU will call and book someone to do it. Now, if they know someone who is real good, then maybe you will USE that person, but it is YOUR choice what you want to fix, when and who does it. NOT your neighbors.
If you HAVE to, start locking your house and barn when you aren't home.
Also, I agree that while you want to show your neighbor that you will help them as they want to help you - quid pro quo - it doesn't mean you need to bend over backwards and kiss their asses at the same time! If they want help, they can ask. You can then say yes or no. Same for them.
Personally? I think I would pull back a little. While I get you want to be a good neighbor, you need to have a BIT firmer boundaries and BE OK with not asking how high EVERY time they say jump. You can be nice without letting THEM set the pace of YOUR life.
What is making them behave the way that they are is NOT really your problem. You "just" have to make sure you don't end up being taking for a fool here.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 May 2020):
 I think that , if any, you are under-reacting ! Ok, I get it, you want to keep being friends with these people so you are not going to " blow out of proportion" this episode. What can I say: just that you definitely must be a better person that I am , because there's no way, no way under the sun I'd still be friends with someone freaking out and yelling at me for something that's not my fault, and that I never asked them to do on my behalf. I must say that in all my life it never happened to me of being yelled at by a friend- but if it did, then the person would not being counted among my friends anymore, because real friends don't cross certain boundaries. Yelling is definitely a dealbreaker in a friendship . It's one of those things that have no justification, no ifs and buts and whys. Yes, maybe they yelled because they were nervous and life is treating them wrong. So frigging what !. This is like accepting physical abuse by a partner because he is so stressed out , he lost his job, his dog died etc. etc. It does not matter ; physical abuse= end of relationship. Friends who yell at you= end of friendship.
That's my personal opinion. I already know that you don't share it, ok, so if you really want to be friends with these obnoxious people, I would suggest you to be more chilled, less anxious, less eager to please. Frankly, it does not seem they have to make a big effort at manipulation to involve you in a codependent relationship with them… because you do a lot by yourself to that end.
For instance : you had already told them that you will help them out in cleaning and they only need to tell you when. Fine. Enough ! they know already . When they will be good ready and tell you when, - then you'll help them. No need to remind them and insist and almost plead to let you clean. Ok you are doing that because you want them to know that you really really want to help them and that you mean it sincerely etc.… but why do you need to reassure them about your good inetentions ! You told them already ! You offered your help, and if you offered your help that must be... because you want to help, I suppose . Or, are you in the habit to say one thing , then do another all different ? I don't think so. So - you can offer your help to people , if you want, then it's up to them if they want to accept it or not, you don't need to insist and remind them various times. They know.
Another thing ,probably, it is to learn to be more assertive. When they insisted for having their electrician come to your place… I guess you said " Maybe " or " One of these days " or something like that; I am pretty sure you did not say , loud and clear, No thanks. I don't want an electrician. " Or " Thanks, but do not send your electrician, when I decide I'll choose one myself ". There's always the way to be frank and clear without being down right rude…. and if alas, there's no way to say what you mean without sounding rude… so be it- better having to bend the etiquette rules once in a while, than having friends or neighbours walk all over you and decide about how to conduct YOUR business !
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2020): I think you're handling the situation fine. Just be sure you use diplomacy and tactfulness regardless of their propensity to go-off or to blow-up! It just may be their personalities to be excitable; but the best way to keep things calm, is to stay calm. Even when an opponent or adversary is busy shouting and yelling at you.
No matter how good of a relationship you have with people; there will come a time of disagreement. In this case, it is time to set some boundaries. It is expected, or presumed by older-people, that they deserve respect for their seniority and experience. This is true, provided they also display the dignity and character to properly receive it. You mentioned how they may spread themselves too thin, or go overboard; but that isn't your problem to contend with. Let them proceed to be who they are. You don't have to deal with every aspect of it.
It's time to set your boundaries. They're becoming presumptuous and overbearing; and behaving as if they're your parents.
You have to remind them who they are, and keep them in their place. Age doesn't automatically place you in the seat of power and authority. You don't have the right to raise your voice; and admonish just anybody anytime you feel like it. Respect goes both-ways; and you should allow your husband to be the forerunner in this situation, to add some muscle to your side of the situation. She will make comments under her breath; while her husband amplifies his voice, and uses aggression as their means of gaining control and manipulation.
Use their team-strategy to your better advantage; but use more tact and intellect to get your point across. Let them yell, but always keep a civil tone (oh, this will be hard to do); and when you realize you are getting nowhere, abruptly close your conversation. Retreat! Inform them you'll discuss the matter to a reasonable compromise; when everybody is willing to listen and cooperate. They control through intimidation, shouting, and aggressive-behavior. That makes people back-down from confrontation, and become more submissive. DON'T SUBMIT!!! Nor should you mirror their bad-behavior by shouting back.
If they persist with trying to be overbearing and controlling; then you and your husband, as a team, will have to tell them that you feel things are becoming too difficult to continue the friendship you once had. You sincerely would rather continue to be good neighbors. Insist that they never send anyone on your property without first seeking your approval. You'll decide when. If this man wasn't licensed, insured, and credentialed, and caused a fire; your property insurance could deny your claim.
Don't go back on your word after several times confirming you would help. It might be an opportunity to smooth things over.
I don't think they should just dismiss their bad-behavior; regardless of what was going-on that they didn't tell you about. They are avoiding giving you an apology by behaving like it never happened. It's your property, your money, and your business! They extorted money by using persistence. It is not their decision if and when you should be home; or what you should do about anything. You're adults, not children! Not their children!!! Even your own parents know there are boundaries they shouldn't cross!
If you personally attempt a civil discussion with his wife; but she attempts to shut you down or avert the conversation by over-talking, or dismissing your attempt to set boundaries. Close the conversation, politely excuse yourself, and leave. It would be the perfect opportunity to speak woman to woman; but if she won't...then leave her be. You don't have to help, if she is going to be rude and presumptuous; and not cooperate to work things out.
It would be good to start distancing yourself and limiting contact. They've become too familiar and bossy. They've shown gross disrespect; and prove to be somewhat manipulative. You don't maintain friendships with people with those negative-qualities.
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