A
female
age
36-40,
*ishdish
writes:Hi,I've been with my bf for 4 years. Everything is mostly good, but I feel like he's really bad at making me feel better when I'm stressed out, and actually makes it exponentially worse. Today, I mentioned an issue i've been having with my computer, but only in passing..i made a joke about how I should just give it to my sister. I'd say my stress level was a 2 out of 10 (10 being highest)...at the end of the conversation, I was a 9, hyperventilating and crying, because SUDDENLY all these factors I wasn't even CONSIDERING as the issue were brought up by him: am I under warranty, my computer could be riddled with viruses and I wouldn't even know it (he's never even seen my computer, and he's no techhie), i should probably buy stronger virus protection, oh if he saw it he'd probably restore it and delete everything i ever had on it, I shouldn't even be hearing the fan maybe it's a hardware issue in which case it's basically worthless, maybe i can take out more school loans to buy a whole new one. anyway. i got frustrated that I was on the verge of a panic attack when i wasn't even close to that state beforehand, and said "you're really bad at reassuring me about things" where he quipped back basically about how that's not his job and how he will never make me feel better because we just have different ideas of resolving issues, and unless one of us decides to cave in and 'pander to what the other one wants to hear' it's not going to happen. I know he's not supposed to be my therapist, or some 'everything's okay' button but, do you think it's out of the question to ask for someone to try to support you in a way that is actually supportive for you??I think he would say in his defense that he is being realistic and giving me practical advice to the issue i brought up. I also think part of his reaction (of how he'll never reassure me about things) is due to his perception that he is trying the best he can but due to our different communication styles, we will never see eye to eye and it will never be good enough for me. But, in my opinion, friends try to talk you down when you're worried about something,they're not supposed to introduce every worst case scenario to someone who is already worried about something..! and if you see the other person GROWING concerned, wouldn't you...try a different technique, or at least CARE that the technique you're using is making it worse for the other person? I like him a lot, and this seems like such a petty thing to break up over when i think everything else could be marriageworthy in a couple of years, but this happens to us a decent amount, this is at least the second time within the last week.Other concerns:1) we're about to start law school together in the fall, and i expected that we both were going to be interdependent on each other, because it is going to be a stressful, difficult endeavor.. now I'm concerned to have someone in my life that is actually going to exacerbate my stress (which would actually probably trickle down into stressing him out too).2) now I feel like I can't go to him when I want to simply talk something through, I'm a big 'talk through the stress' kind of person, I guess, but he's more 'let's solve the root of the problem causing the stress right now' kind of person..if I can't trust my partner as a confidante, as someone to express my fears and joys and dreams to and to have them support them in a way that is conducive to my needs, what kind of partner is that? will i be forced to suppress my concerns so that they don't get worse, or just tell other people that can support me better when something's irking me (seems unhealthy)? is this just not a good match in the long run- do you think it's a make-or-break thing?I think this is the longest entry I've written :c; thanks, aunts. Reply to this Question
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