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writes: am i expecting too much from my children age 10 and 14. just had christmas on my own as the ex did not want me to visit. i had my 2 the w/e before and we had our christmas, i had to ask did they enjoy the w/e and the presents. the little one, got a phone on xmas day and i only was told when i collected them 4 days later what she got to find the ex's family and her b/f numbers in and no dad, it has torn me apart as all i give them is love and they can't return it. what do i do as i keep getting kicked in the teeth what do i do ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): I dont know if this is any help to you-
but i grew up with a father who only ever bought me things- anything i wanted he would buy, but i didnt ever really want his money: i just wanted a father. Someone who talks to me and shows an interest in my life, someone who puts my needs before his own, and the most NB for me is someone who i can look up to and respect. My father never gave me any of these things and i grew up just taking and taking his money mostly without a thank-you, because thats all he ever gave so i figured i'll take what i can get.
Work on getting involved in their lives and getting close to them.
And remember that YOU are the adult here and its ur duty to get the ball rolling, even if they dont seem to put effort into it, you should teach by example.
A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (29 December 2006):
 Try not to worry to much, I am sure they love you unconditonally, you should too regardless who they phone first.
How often did you kids call you beforehand? Do they have your number easily available or do they wait for you to call them?
Best way forward is to encourage them to call you and ensure they have your number, let them know that you are there for them if they need you.
The ex's b/f might be more easily available on a daily basis because of custody, it does not mean that your kids like him more.
Concentrate on building a stronger bond through communication and being understanding with your kids.
Put their needs first not yours. You might feel insecure, this is no more than a simple misunderstanding.
Good luck xxx
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (29 December 2006):
 I can't understand what you mean by being kicked in the teeth? Do you mean you were offended by the fact your ten year old hadn't yet put your number in her phone?
This does not mean she doesn't love you or feels differently about you. You have to learn to stop being so sensitive....SHE IS A CHILD. Remember this...out of sight out of mind....this is pretty much how small children operate. There is so much going on at Christams she probably just hadn't got round to inputting your phone number.
Please, learn to accept that your children love you and stop readin insults into stuff that quite blatantly is not there.
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006): I am not sure what you mean by always getting kicked in the teeth and that your kids don't return your love...if it is that your name and number was not programmed into her phone, did you ask her if you could put your number into the phone for her? My guess is she had help from the other family programming the numbers into the phone, and it was they who forgot to put your number in the phone, not her....it was probably not meant to hurt you in this way, but if you acted hurt that might have made your child sort of silent as they aren't always capable of recovering quickly from that sort of thing....
I know if really sucks spending the day of Christmas alone, I have been through my share of those kinds of Christmases but don't start feeling that your kids are to blame for that feeling you get, it is just a bad situation when you have to share custody....so is next year's Christmas your turn to have your kids?
Also, kids at this age are pretty much all about me, and are not the best at showing empathy and emotion for others, especially now days when they are so used to being entertained by computer games, and phones and use technology to text message each other when they are sitting on the couch together instead of actually talking...I think this is really kind of tragic.
If you want more emotion out of your kids, limit the use of technology, especially as a form of babysitting your kids when you want to be alone....When you are together sit down and have dinner with the tv off at an expected time, set boundaries and expect them to respect them, and turn the tv off if you want to have a conversation, get down on the floor with them and play, play a board game together or something where laughter and bonding can take place instead of being distracted by the glare of a tv or a gameboy....
Take care, and good luck with that!
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