A
female
age
,
*oo Sensitive
writes:I'm going to try to keep this brief, but I do tend to be wordy. So please, forgive me if I start rambling.I am a 47-year-old female and have been with my fiance for a little more than 2 years now. We have been engaged for a little more than a year, and he moved in to my place March of last year. I have a 13-year-old son living here with us.My fiance has exhibited a host of negative behaviors off and on over time to me:- Fondling and touching himself in front of me, seemingly without realizing it, not climaxing, but seeming to get pleasure out of it all the same. He has done this for 10-20 minutes at a time, as we are sitting at the table together. He claims he either has an itch or that he is "unsticking himself". Does it really take that long to relieve an itch, or to "unstick" yourself? I found his behavior odd, compulsive, and very alarming.- Faking orgasm at times, then running to the bathroom for 10 minutes alone to finish up. I knew he did not orgasm, despite his claims otherwise. There was no trace of anything - nothing on the sheets, nothing on the carpet, nothing on me or running out of me.- Inappropriately looking at other women - looking at their crotch, staring at their asses as they walked away, jerking his head suddenly or craning his neck to watch the girl in the tight jeans as he drove by. It wasn't that he was looking, it was the way in which he was looking - very insulting, very disrespectful, and very humiliating.- Flagrantly flirting with other women. This bothered me b/c I didn't know he had it in him, as he was never flirtatious or playful with me whatsoever. It hurt me to see that he could be this way with another woman, yet not with me, the woman he should have been like this with in the first place.- Viewing porn in secret and lying to my face about it. I used to be okay with porn, even suggesting we watch it together on occasion. I was always turned down, and was always told no, no, no, it does nothing for me, and I don't look at it. I discovered quite by accident that he was indeed looking at it. Initially, the first two times, though he promised to stop, I told him I am not asking you to stop, I am only asking you not to lie to me about it. By the third time, I was boiling, b/c he lied to me yet again. Now I no longer was accepting of porn, and now I associated it with lying, betrayal, and mistrust. In turn, it made me feel insecure, and my self-esteem suffered. I used to feel as though I was the only woman in the world to him. That is how he used to make me feel, and that is what he also took away from me.- He shoplifts. He has no idea I know. I don't have any idea how often he's done this, how long he's been at it, what else he may have stolen. I do know of two times for certain that he has. I've only recently discovered this behavior. I now turn him down for shopping excursions and do everything I have to, to get the shopping done alone, while he's at work. I don't want to be around if and when he happens to get caught. And I sure as hell don't want my son to witness that, or worse yet, to get hauled down to the station with him, b/c we are suspected of being his accomplice(s).- He goes out of his way to seem disinterested in any creative way in which I've expressed myself. When I dance, he immediately looks away and starts clipping his nails of all things! I can't seem to peak his interest when I dance, yet I know he's watched porn videos of other women dancing. How is that supposed to make me feel? When I write stories, he refuses to read them. Isn't it natural that we would want our fiance to notice us, or want them to be interested in our accomplishments? Isn't it natural we would want to share those things with them?All of these things combined have made me somewhat of a wreck. They've eroded my self-esteem and caused me to slip into many a depressive episode. I've even wondered if he is a manipulative personality who is doing at least some of these things on purpose, with the intent of getting me down and keeping me down, so that he will be in a better position of control.Right before Christmas, we went back and forth about whether or not he has been cheating on me. At this point, I have no trust left for him, so can anyone blame me? I've smelled perfume in his car, on his clothes, there was a charge for lunch for 2 on one of the statements (I suspect there have been other lunches, but he's been paying cash for those). She called his cell one night and he claimed it was a bill collector and refused to answer it. He was so nervous when he did finally retrieve her v/m that it took him 3 times of going back into it before he finally erased it. In the interim, he showed me the phone number in his cell phone call log, and right underneath her phone number was her name. The point he was trying to make was that see, it's someone from work calling. Little did he know that the suspicious circumstances surrounding my meeting her at his office one day made me immediately think they were having an affair. And he lied about it being a bill collector! He knew it was her - you could clearly see her name on the readout! How stupid does he think I am? He even played back the message for me, which was completely on the up and up, all work-related. I said to him if she was still at work, then why did she use her cell phone to call you? I told him I'll tell you why - she wanted to make sure you knew it was her calling, in case I was around. I also told him I felt she left a valid work-related message, in case I might happen to hear the v/m.What do you all think? Feedback, please, would be greatly appreciated. Do any of you see a pattern? Have I painted a picture of anything in particular to you?At this point, I feel stronger, my self-esteem has not completely returned, but I am definitely in a better place. I have separated from him emotionally in my mind. My friends think I should end it and tell him to leave, but not before I get on my feet financially. So, though it is not easy, I am pretending that everything is normal, everything is okay. The shoplifting discovery is what sent me over the edge, the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. Right now, I feel as though the damage is done when you add up everything that has happened. There is nothing left he can do to me, and I have no more tears left for him.Everything has been brought up and put out on the table, multiple times, either between the two of us, or in front of a therapist, the exception being the shoplifting. That one has not been addressed at all. My friends think it best to keep it to myself, as they think what good would it do to bring it up. They all think he will just continue to lie and continue his deceptive behaviors. They think he more than likely has found some way to continue viewing porn. They too suspect he is cheating, though of course this is only based on what I've told them, and there is no "concrete" proof of anything. Only my observations and feelings.What do you all think? There has been so much damage done, I just don't feel as though it can be fixed any longer. I keep thinking that the only way I will ever be myself again, the only way my self-esteem will come back altogether, the only way I will return to the woman I was before I met him, is to get away from him. I used to be happy, confident, and felt good about myself, who I was, what was going on in my life. I want to get back to being that person again. I just don't know that it's possible if I remain with him. He's made me feel too badly about myself too many times. I will take some of the blame for that, for I've allowed him to make me feel that way. But it just caught me off-guard, and I wasn't prepared for it whatsoever. This was a guy who consistently said "wysiwyg" (pronounced "whizzywig") to me. Translation - "what you see is what you get". This was his trademark, his tagline. Yet, he was anything but.
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reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (28 January 2009):
Too Sensitive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you pvtguy and punkypippi for your responses. I did need some encouragement and support and for some strange reason verification that what I am dealing with here is...strange bizarre behavior, to put it mildly. As upset as I've been, I find myself defending this guy's behavior at times, and keep telling myself he's stopped, though I can't be sure. I vascillate between denial and hurt, and anger, and everything in between. So thank you for your answers, as they have definitely helped. I needed to hear it from someone else.
I found a very very interesting article on the net yesterday which I am going to link here, and hopefully will be able to post under the articles section, in the hopes it will help someone else hesitating to leave a difficult or abusive relationship. It's about "Stockholm Syndrome", which is basically the term used for hostages who fall in love with their captors, or who form an emotional bond with their captors, even defendng them or trying to protect them when all is said and done. It actually happens b/c it is a survival and coping mechanism in this situation. This syndrome can also happen in difficult or abusive relationships and makes it difficult to end them. A person starts feeling as though their very existence is threatened, and a person actually starts to feel it is safer (physically and emotionally) to stay within the relationship, rather than endure the fear of the unknown and perceived danger that could result from ending the relationship.
I found this article while researching passive-aggressive behavior and covert aggression (also very interesting subjects). All of what I have read was very eye-opening, and frightening to me, as some of it really hit home, the article most of all. If anyone else out there is having trouble finding the strength to leave an unhealthy relationship that you know in your heart is just no good for you (for whatever the reasons), this article should prove to be very helpful to you, no matter how mild or how severe your situation. Keep in mind there are differing levels of abuse, ranging from subtle emotional to outright physical. As I was reading this article, I realized I am suffering from this syndrome myself.
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=469
A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (26 January 2009):
Too Sensitive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI absolutely know that he has issues. Boy do I know. Let me clarify that some of his behaviors have stopped, at least as far as I know. But they still haunt me at times. Others are recent (such as the possible cheating and the shoplifting). Many days I say I am going to work toward getting out of this relationship. Then I will have one day when I feel as though I am supposed to remain in the relationship and help him toward healing these behaviors, as if that is my calling, as if that is my quest in life.
We did talk at length over the weekend about the shoplifting (I just couldn't conceal it any longer), and I told him I was concerned that either me or worse yet my son would be present if and when he gets caught. I stated that we all would be hauled down to the police station together, b/c they would think we were accomplices to him. I said that's not fair for you to bring us down with you. We talked about how wrong shoplifting is, how risky that behavior is, etc. He admitted that he knew if he got caught, he would lose his job and be forever banned from his profession. I asked him if he thought it was worth the risk of getting caught? He stated that no, not at all, and promised he would never do it again, ever. I asked him the reason why he shoplifted and he said "money" (meaning lack of money). I said, well, the outlet we needed, but we had the money for it. And the potpourri oil and the Xmas ornament we did NOT need, so why? He couldn't answer that one. I told him I was concerned he had underlying psychological issues which played in to his shoplifting and that I was very concerned about those. I told him he seemed to be someone who completely lacked self-control. I told him I was concerned that he had started to develop a taste for it, which he denied. I said to him that maybe my son had seen him shoplift, so maybe that is the reason why he now steals from within the household. I said if he's seen you doing it, then he is going to think it's okay for him to do it. He had nothing to say about that one.
We also discussed the cheating aspect again. He claims I am the only one for him, he would never cheat on me, he would never do anything like that to risk hurting me or losing me. He loves me and only me, no one else. He claims he could not face himself or me if he were ever to cheat, which he claims he has not. I said then why did you state that it must be a bill collector calling, when clearly her name was on the phone screen right below her number? He claims her name did not show up when she called, that it only showed up when he retrieved the v/m. That makes no sense to me, and I told him so, but he keeps sticking with his story.
There is a part of me that is afraid of him, though he's never even come close to striking me. In fact, we hardly ever argue (only occasionally). I sometimes have the sense that there is something dark about his personality lurking under the surface, of which I am not yet aware. I think this is part of the reason he remains so closely guarded much of the time, b/c he does not want me to see that side of him. I told him again while we were talking over the weekend that I was petrified that there were things I had a right to know about him, but didn't know about him. Things that would upset me. He keeps denying there's anything else, and that he has no more skeletons in his closet that he hasn't already shared with me. I just find that hard to believe.
I am having a hard time understanding my hesitation about leaving him. I get to this place where I feel as though I have emotionally separated from him and swear that once I am on my feet financially, that I will tell him he needs to leave. Then we talk, I feel better b/c I have let some things out, and we go about our normal routine as if nothing has even happened, and I'm pushing thoughts of ending it with him out of my head. I am very confused. I am afraid to stay with him, yet I am afraid to end it. Perhaps there is co-dependency going on and that plays into it. I will have to do some more reading on that one.
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A
female
reader, PunkyPippi +, writes (23 January 2009):
 Oh babe... you need to go with your gut. His behavior is not normal at all! Nothing you've described can even be construed as normal. Quite honestly, I thought you were describing an autistic person...the seemingly uncontrollable touching, the knee jerk reactions to women... this guy has NO SELF CONTROL. It's amazing he's survived without someone beating the shit out of him.
If at all possible, leave him now. He's bad for you, and bad for your son.
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