A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HelloBefore my girlfriend and I were together she had a small fling with a friend of mine. She has told me that she had no feelings for him and that the only reason she was with him was to help her get over her ex that she had recently broken up with. In this time that they were together she had given him oral sex once and that was all. This has been tearing me apart emotionally and I just wanted to know if my feelings are irrational and if so what should i do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): It's an emotional problem. You can't throw logic at it and expect it to work. The OP senses that it's illogical or he would not have posted the question.
OP, look up retroactive jealousy, that's all you can do. It has been covered untold times on Dearcupid. (There are enough questions about RJ to justify its own sub section many times over. But it's just not a politically correct problem to struggle with.)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): It's not about 'understanding retroactive jealousy'. It's about what's fair and what's not fair within a relationship. And being jealous about a partner's previous relationship isn't fair on the partner! What can she do about it? I'm sure she'd undo it if she could but she can't. She wasn't thinking about you at the time because you weren't on the scene. This jealousy will be making your partner feel a hell of a lot worse about it than you feel! Digging into the past, where things that she has tried to leave in the past, things she maybe regrets or has moved on from. What right have you to drag it up? It's not your business. Completely irrational, and for the sake of your relationship, you need to man up and accept it. Stop forcing her to remember something that she obviously regrets and making it seem like she did it to hurt you, which she obviously doesn't. It's not your place to feel upset! Grow up and get over it. What's more important? That, or her? Your relationship? Or this insignificant detail that you seem to think is yours to get in a flap about? Everything in her past has lead her to become the woman that you care about today; the good and the bad.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Aunty BimBim, do you really think the OP needs to be reminded that it happened before they were together?
I don't think you understand retroactive jealousy very well.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 December 2010):
 You need to decide what you want. A relationship where you allow something that happened BEFORE you and your girl got together chew you up, or a relationship where you acknowlege you are not the first boyfriend, that you girl has been with somebody else, but she, and the relationship is important enough for you to get over it and see beyond it.
If you want to allow your feelings about one incident affect your relationship far better to end it now and find a girl who hasnt had a 'small fling' with somebody you know, or might meet in the future.
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A
male
reader, billrocket +, writes (23 December 2010):
dude,i was a cheater-now am not-it dosnt matter what sex it was ,its cheating.your girlfriend cheated on you.either she stops cheating is her choice-not yours.you are the one to decide -will she quit,can i deal with it if she dont.or just leave ,the relationship.
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