A
female
age
30-35,
*iche_Wolf
writes:I have been with my current partner now for 2 years. I love him dearly and couldn't imagine life without him. But I can't help but wonder if (and please don't think this the wrong way) he isn't "The One" that everyone says he should be.The reason being is that I'm still in contact with a previous love of mine, and it feels different when I'm around him, than it does with my partner. It feels more 'right', for lack of a better word.This is not to say I'm not deeply and passionately in love with my current partner, and I know nothing would ever happen with the other one. I just want to know if there's something wrong with me, and if it is unfair to my partner, though I would never, ever cheat or leave him anyway. Also, my partner knows about my previous feelings for this guy, but has no idea that it has still continued. I don't know if I should tell him, as he is fairly easily hurt by this sort of thing, but I hate lying to him.I just don't know what to do...
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Kiche_Wolf +, writes (14 August 2010):
Kiche_Wolf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't read all replies yet, but the title wasn't exactly correct. Me and the first one were never anything more than friends, he never saw me more than just a friend. I think that really needed to be cleared up first
A
male
reader, 1stimenwin  +, writes (13 August 2010):
There is no good way to handle this. Honestly i know what you are going through. I am young like you, and just had this same situation. The way i got through it was to slowly remove the 1st love from my life little by little. As i did this i found that i came to love my current partner even more.
Your guilty of emotional cheating. So was I. It is not fair for you to be with your guy and still have feelings for someone else. I totally understand that you cant help it. One way to work on this is to make the old guy less of a priority and in turn your current guy will have more of your attention and affection. You would be suprised at how finally ending it with the old guy would help your current relationship. It is unfair to your current guy to not be 100% with him.
Is the "friendship" with the old one worth even hurting the love with the current one.
...............................
A
male
reader, iReval +, writes (13 August 2010):
Well, first off you need to be honest with your self and ask your self this question out loud,
1. What makes me have my (ex) in my life?
Sometimes the thought of being "tied down" or even the thought of marriage is sometimes un-comforting for you're beginning to realize that your options will become limited and your honesty to the relationship and devotion is being tested constantly.
But going back to your situation you seem to be in limbo for you wished to be shared upon emotions might your partner not be providing you with one or many things you had prior to him and now you have kept that other person around for support. Wether your "ex" knows it or not you are using him as leverage to reality. Yes; you are being unfair and yes cheating is occurring for you need to lie to make your partner happy and you nee to lie some more to keep you sane upon your actions. Emotional cheating is the most common defect in ones relationship. Of course we all have choices that unfortunately we do not accept until sometimes loosing that person happens.
What you should do is what your emotions and physically thoughts appeal to you. I am no one to decide for you but as apparent as your situation theres obviously more than what you have said. Tread carefully for loosing that person you describe as "This is not to say I'm not deeply and passionately in love with my current partner, and I know nothing would ever happen with the other one. I just want to know if there's something wrong with me, and if it is unfair to my partner, though I would never, ever cheat or leave him anyway." Will become a loss great to you and end up with neither.
...............................
A
male
reader, iReval +, writes (13 August 2010):
Well, first off you need to be honest with your self and ask your self this question out loud,
1. What makes me have my (ex) in my life?
Sometimes the thought of being "tied down" or even the thought of marriage is sometimes un-comforting for you're beginning to realize that your options will become limited and your honesty to the relationship and devotion is being tested constantly.
But going back to your situation you seem to be in limbo for you wished to be shared upon emotions might your partner not be providing you with one or many things you had prior to him and now you have kept that other person around for support. Wether your "ex" knows it or not you are using him as leverage to reality. Yes; you are being unfair and yes cheating is occurring for you need to lie to make your partner happy and you nee to lie some more to keep you sane upon your actions. Emotional cheating is the most common defect in ones relationship. Of course we all have choices that unfortunately we do not accept until sometimes loosing that person happens.
What you should do is what your emotions and physically thoughts appeal to you. I am no one to decide for you but as apparent as your situation theres obviously more than what you have said. Tread carefully for loosing that person you describe as "This is not to say I'm not deeply and passionately in love with my current partner, and I know nothing would ever happen with the other one. I just want to know if there's something wrong with me, and if it is unfair to my partner, though I would never, ever cheat or leave him anyway." Will become a loss great to you and end up with neither.
...............................
A
female
reader, lam0111 +, writes (13 August 2010):
There's so much I can say to this and don't know where to begin. I wish I had some more info from you like was your previous love your 1st love, how long were you guys together and why did you break up? How does your ex still feel about you and is he in a relationship?
I don't know if any of this will help, but I have some theories as to why people look back. (I've been there myself)
First, think back to when you and your ex were a couple. How did you feel about yourself? Not how you felt with him, but how you felt about YOU? I ask because I think some people enter our lives at a point were we feel the most confident and best about ourselves. If we're in a relationship at the time that's a pretty good one but ended for whatever reason. We have a tendency to think of that relationship and place the guy on a pedestal as 'the best ever.' When in reality it could possibly be the way you felt about yourself that was 'the best.' Just one way to look at it.
Another thought is people look back to the good past because it feels safe. Tthat 'different, 'right' feeling' could be the simple fact that it's a safe and familiar feeling. Your age range is 18-21, so I'm guessing a lot is changing for you and you're getting out into the real world more. That can feel exciting, strange and scary all at the same time. It's kind of like visiting home after moving away. You KNOW you do not want to live at home, but home is home and you will always miss and think of it even though you know it's not you permanently belong.
It could also be some unresolved feelings. Not meaning you want your ex back type of feelings, but something that just didn't get resolved. Another comparison: it's like trying for a sorority or interviewing for a dream job you REALLY wanted and it felt like the perfect fit but you didn't get into the sorority or didn't get the job. You eventually realize it wasn't right for you, but that bothersome feeling as to why you didn't get chosen or get the job is always there until YOU let it go.
If you really can't imagine your life without your current love then something must be right about him. I wouldn't say anything is wrong with you, but you HAVE to be honest with yourself. When you say 'previous feelings' are they previous or are they still feelings for your ex that aren't going away? If you are truly feeling strong feelings for your ex that aren't going away (especially if they are getting stronger) then it's eventually going to effect your current relationship.
I wish I had a black and white answer. In the end you are the only one who knows the answer to any of this. I hope some of this helped and wish you the best!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Black diamond20 +, writes (13 August 2010):
Stop contacting your ex and if you cant you need to spare your boyfriend feelings before it gets any furthur and tell him that you still feel for your past.i say this because my boyfriend and his ex still talk and they wont leave eachother alone she calls him up to 10 times a day she knows about me and she still does it and he allows it so figure it out and quick honey!lol ..ps. Good luck!!
...............................
|
