A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am just getting into recovery from a break-up. The wound still pretty fresh and it's hard.It's hard because mostly the bond that existed between us and the connection were perfect. We were a perfect match but couldn't make it work right now because of external obstacles. I still love her deeply and she still has my whole heart.I do have a tiny glimmer of hope tucked away far in the back of my heart that one day we might return to each other but that is something I have come to realize I cannot cling to and must move on with my life. Because of this I know it will be a while until I might consider even thinking about someone else. I truly believe this to have been the perfect match and I am unwilling to consider anything less than that.Fearful that I might forget what this was really like and for some reason might find myself getting into something just for the sake of it I started compiling a list of things that I might ask myself at that point. Questions that I would use to make sure I knew what I was getting into and make sure it was something I really wanted.This is a hypothetical list and god knows when if it might ever get used.Notes to self on relationships:Is the person you are considering right now spectacular? Do you know her?Do you feel a deep connection with her? Do you like her style, her character, her ambitions? Do you share interests?What are your conversations like?Does she seem interested in who you are?Why do you like her?What do you base that on?Do you feel anything towards her nearing what you did for Ex?If you put them side by side, how does she compare to Ex in you view?Do you have a physical attraction to this person?Can you honestly say that you find her to be the most beautiful woman on earth?Can you say that there isn't a single thing about her you would change and that every little bit of her is perfect?Do you even want a relationship?Do you remember what a relationship is like?Do you know what being in a relationship entails?Is this someone you would be willing to make sacrifices for?Give up part of your freedom for?Make compromises for?Could you stand her trying to influence you, nag you or control you?Are you sure you will maintain your individuality and character?Will you remember to keep it fresh?Will you remember to stay who you are, the person this woman is falling for, or will you change in a way that she won't like anymore?I know a lot of you probably think this is a stupid idea that might be counter productive to healing. But before I met this woman I had spent a lot of time on relationships that weren't worth it and a lot of time on my own. In this one I truly learned what unconditional love is and how one can completely find themselves in being loved. I got to know the feeling of true love. I just don't want to chance settling for anything else again.So I want to know what you think. Of the idea in itself and if there something on there that you think is wrong or if there is something that you would add to that list.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): Thank you for your answers and they do make sense.
I know it was a silly undertaking but all the same is an expression of how I feel. The reason I have no interest in playing the feel is simply because I know for a fact, from having done a lot of dating ( I've had a lot of chances to do that before, I'm a catch ;) ) before I met her I just know that most women bore me. Well, bore is a strong word, but most women out there to me are just plain and small minded and completely fail to light a spark in me like she did from the first time I met her.
And no, I'm not looking for the elusive 'perfect' woman as I know there is no such thing. I also know that my Ex wasn't perfect at all, a lot of men find her to be crude or scary, but she is 'perfect to me'. In fact she was the first woman I've ever met that was perfect to me, my previous relationships had been settlements and I don't want to do that again.
And AgelofLove, you said "not for long anyway", I do hope it is a matter of time. She did feel as much passion as I did. In fact she felt so much passion that every time I had to leave her, due to circumstances, she'd fall into deep depression and sadness. The depression came in equal amounts to the passion until eventually she decided, whilst depressed, that she couldn't live like that anymore and started to turn her feelings off and to push me away.
I know the feelings are still there and can be brought back, but right now she won't let it happen. Right now she has been to hurt by her own decisions to be able to go back on them and has started putting all her focus on other aspects of her life. But I do indeed hope and pray to god that with time we will have our moment again.
People tell me to move on, to play the field. Sometimes I wonder if those people have really felt what I feel or if those people failed because they have not had the same respect for those emotions as I have. Because sure, I can move on, I can take charge of my life and live happily by myself. I am happy in and with myself, I don't need anyone else. But out of respect to what I had, the way I feel towards this other person I have no desire to "play the field" with other women right now. It wouldn't be honest to those women, it wouldn't be honest to myself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): Wow! Those are quite the questions you have laid out for yourself. Good goals and very high expectations for the next lady that should pop into your life. Are you sure that your ex gf isn't a tough act to follow, dear? I understand you are still freshly wounded so your recovery will take time. But you have to be careful. Dwelling amd pining over the ex gf, too long will stop you from reaching your full potential as a happy, single man. So I suggest instead of comparing every woman you meet to your ex gf, keep an open mind to new and interesting female acquaintances. And believe me, dear--there is a wonderful, vibrant variety and mix of nice women out there. So keep a very open mind. But don't rush headlong into relationships, to ease your loss and loneliness. Have some fun-play the field for awhile-make new friends with the ladies. You are not ready for a relationship and it's good you understand that. In time, a very healthy, important will thing will happen. You will realize that your ex gf is not the perfect woman you had thought she was and your feelings for her, will fade, and the more women you date, the greater the odds of meeting one that will set your heart on fire. And remember, you're not looking for that elusive, perfect woman - you're looking for the one that is perfect 'for you'. So yes, have some expectations but keep it all in perspective..not all the females in your future will totally match 'what' you want nor will you be your ultimate dreamgirl. We are all only humans, after all, flaws and quirks inc.
So recover, heal and create a positive self-belief attitude about yourself.. Start challenging yourself every day to do something out of your comfort zone. This will be a long term process-right now, your comfort zone and heartfelt allegiance is to the ex gf! No other lady can compete with that. As you attain your goals and your confidence grows, hopefully you'll realise you don't need to dwell over your ex gf. So the choice in the end will be yours...being stuck with past memories and faint hopes—or creating a rich and invigorating life with someone new, who loves and respects you. It will come but don't fall into that trap of comparing every female you meet with the the ghost of your ex gf. If you do that, no one will ever fit the bill. Keep an open mind!
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (3 April 2007):
 If she feels as much passion as you, no external obstacles in the world will keep you apart, not for long anyway.
Depending what is at stake, you must have a reason to still have hope. Perhaps this woman feels the same for you but she is not available and innocent people might get hurt.
As to your questions, it is not about what you remember to do or not. It is about two people working together to make it work.
I believe that if two people want to make it work they must:
-Respect and accept each for who they are individually,
-Without wanting to change the other
- Have fun together as lovers and as friends
- Are attracted to each other
- Communicate well, discuss differences without fighting
-No nagging from one or other (yes some men can nag too)
-Enjoy the other's company and think of the other often
- keep variety and keep it fresh (both sex life and non sexual intimacy)
-keep PASSION alive, in bed and in life
-Be honest with each other always
- Not feel the need to compare the other person to ex's as every person is different and a package as it comes (ready baked, cannot pick pieces from it, it is all there or it isn't) or to do "window shopping" everytime someone new comes in to a room in case the grass is greener on the other side.
All the above are the basis for a good relationship.
Some people are scared of the word RELATIONSHIP, but it is what you want it to be, as long as both people involved are happy with what it entails for each other.
I do not believe in open relationships where there is no commitment, one of the parties always gets hurt sooner or later.
Do not judge all relationships the same way, this is where you may be going wrong. But it is only my opinion.
If you had a bad experience, do not expect people and history to repeat itself. Sometimes relationships do not work simply because it was not meant to be or it was the wrong person. It does not mean that you will not be happy again.
I hope you find what you are looking for. Stay positive and remember that somethings are worth waiting for.
Take care and a big hug
Angel of Love
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A
female
reader, BEEN THERE DONE IT +, writes (2 April 2007):
 Hi honey,
First of all well done, a man who admitts to wanting love.....
But to enable a life long happy relationship it takes time to get to know someone, now your single again don't go out with the intention of a list a finding a life long partner you need to be going out and enjoying life enjoy the company of other women who make you feel good, if they don't be honest and move on there is nothing wrong with this not everyone is compatable...
If you go out with a list as long as your arm your not giving anyone a chance to be themselves around you....
Enjoy the company of other women first, then as you slowly get to know them you will for get about this list I promise because all you will be focusing on is having fun, after all thats what life is all about, lifes too short with out it.....
Who knows you may surprise yourself
Good luck
Let meknow how you get on but get out there and start enjoying your self x
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