A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for a second opinion due to the lack of male influence growing up in my life. I have been with my boyfriend for about 2years. We are living together and discussing marriage. I am starting to question some issues regarding housework etc. My parents were divorced when I was 2 so I have really never had a father/male figure around that I lived with full time. I speak to my friends but I am uncertain if some of their husbands are unhelpful also. My problem is, my boyfriend never helps out around the house. He has not emptied the dishwasher one time, vacumed, swept, laundry, cleaned the tub or bathroom, changed the sheets etc. I do all the cooking mostly because I enjoy it, but he barely picks up after that. He just seems to be so selfish. We both work full time. I do work more hours then him and I still come home to cook. He is very good about taking me for dinner but I feel I do EVERYTHING. Paint, hang pictures, you name it!! I feel like the wonder woman always doing everything! I am worried that if we get married and have kids and have a bigger placea and more work, I will be unhappy because of this. He doesn't beleive in maids or nanny's either and thinks woman with that are lazy. I know his brother is the same way!! I go to his family home and his mother seems to do everything also. We have had talks about it but just calls me a nag if I complain. If I ask for help he sais the famous "we'll do it tomorrow" and watch tv tonight. Tomorrow never comes. Now, I have my own hamper and I now refuse to do his laundy. It will sit for ever. I know I cannot change this but before I think about moving on am I in for a rude awakening and this is like most men.
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female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Try to make a schedule:
Situation 1:
"Today since I'm not working, I'll do the cleaning around the house."
Situation 2:
"(Next time you're not working), please don't forget to vacuum and throw away the garbage, and, oh, don't forget to wash the plates after you eat. Thanks honey, you're the best! *kiss* *bye*"
My boyfriend is a lazy a** too, he sleeps a lot in the weekends, but he knows how to cook, so it helps me a lot, since I only know how to make fries :)
Try to cooperate and be a TEAM.
I hope he's not the misogyny type, who says "a woman's place is in the kitchen or cleaning around the house". That's just sooooo the last millennium. A well-educated man knows how NOT to disturb with his own dirtiness. When he comes inside with his boots buried in mud, give him a wet towel "here, honey, make sure you don't leave dirty marks of the floor" *kiss*
That *kiss* thingie it's basically a reward, so if you want him to cooperate, offer something in exchange, if he's not genuinely interested in household chores.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (25 August 2010):
 Yes, they are. Well, not lazy exactly - but if they get half a chance to let you do everything, they will 'allow' you to do it.
You will find that being with a man long-term, you become his mother, lover and daughter. You do everything. If you are lucky, he will also do things for you, but I fear, from observing my friends and myself, that a lot of men don't - they will be, if possible, the eternal teenager.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): my boyfriend is lazy too, in the sense that he sleeps an awful lot, but you just have to put your foot down with him. set some ground rules in the house so youre running after him like he's a two year old because thats how it sounds. tell him straight that you need help in the house. you shouldnt have to do everything like you said you feel like wonder woman but your not.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (25 August 2010):
 As the others have said, most men aren't lazy. Just like some women ARE lazy. As mentioned earlier, how someone is raised factors heavily on their behavior when they get older. Perhaps since you had no father figure in your life and you've seen your mother take most of the responsibility you subconsciously feel the need to be with guys who are lazy so you feel the need to shoulder the responsibility yourself. In the end, you've been together with your boyfriend for 2 years so some of the responsibility falls to you and the choices you make.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): This is really irritating, the whole lazy man thing, because for women, we do come across as a nag or just a general annoyance if we expect them to pick up after themselves. You could approach this two ways. One, just stop doing all of the housework, tidying, everything, bar general cleanliness because obviously that isn't feasible. Stop doing it, don't say a word about it and see what happens. He might become annoyed and then he will suddenly be in your shoes which could be good as he may have to learn empathy the hard way. A second approach could be to change the way you ask for help. Be really polite and casual, like "could you maybe help me do the washing up baby, i'm tired" things like that. If after two weeks of you asking maybe 5 or 6 times, different occasions, and he still is not helping you, then it becomes more about him being selfish to your needs as opposed to just him being lazy so thens the time to confront and just say how it hurts you and makes you feel bad when he doesn't want to help you. Hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 August 2010):
No, this is not most men. We learn from out parents. If his mother did everything and his father did nothing, he will think women should do everything. Not all men are like this at all. Perhaps you should say to him that this is affecting your relationship and he needs to do more because you simply can't do it all. If he won't budge, then maybe you're just with the wrong guy.
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