A
female
age
30-35,
*sbluesky
writes:Ok, so its my first time writing on anything like this, but I've talked (complained...whatever) to what seems like a hundred people and I feel like I need some sort of advice as to what on earth to do!Here goes. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, but he goes to uni 4 hours away so we only get to see each other at the weekend/every other weekend during term time, which is awkward enough, not to mention how much it costs in train fares! his family are really nice and I'm the only girl he has slept with.As of about a year ago I've always had niggling doubts that he is lying to me, about relatively small things at first, like him starting smoking. Only after me being down at his uni and a girl approaching him asking to borrow a lighter did he finally admit to it, despite me having asked on various occasions over the past 2 years if he smoked and him denying completely, apart from the "odd cig when out with friends".He has also been smoking a lot of cannabis since around easter time, which he also denied at all costs. About a year ago I confronted him about the volume of porn I found on his computer, since I had always got the impression he wasn't that bothered by it, not a completely unfounded impression, as a few times in video stores he had turned his nose up when walking by the "adult section". It took him ages, yet again, when I confronted him about the porn to admit that he watched it and said "I'm sorry I won't do it again at all I promise. I didn't know it offended you".Just to make this clear- at the time I was slightly offended, but more so about the fact he hadn't told me... After the first 6 months I would've thought the whole "don't want you to judge me so I'll keep it a secret lies" would have worn off, yet there we were a year in and he still found it difficult. Anyways, I found again, one to two months later, loads of porn on his computer. I didn't tell him straight out I just asked if he had been watching it recently, bearing in mind by this point I had yet again stressed that the most important thing to me in our relationship was honesty. I didn't mind watching porn, just wished it wasn't something he felt the need to be secretive about and could just talk to me so I knew what he felt about it, and that it was nothing to worry about from my point of view if it wasn't something he felt he had to hide away. Yet again he denied even watching it claiming "he didn't do that anymore" etc. About an hour later he admitted to watching porn at least 10 times a week and smoking cannabis at least every other day, which I don't really condone. The fact that he can't seem to be open about certain aspects of his personality with me is really making me a little bit paranoid! Fair enough, he may have wanted to keep it from me at first if he felt I would disapprove, but I have said so many times to him "just be honest". At the moment I'm having stress from home as my mum died on the day of my last exam at uni, so the entire time I've been home for summer its not exactly been the ideal environment ! I really do not need the stress of being paranoid about the boyfriend as well! Part of me thinks, if he can't be honest to me about these things, what else could he be lying about? The odd drunken night with a girl at uni for example. I recently found links to "live sex chat" websites on his computer (and phone, which I think is borderline obsession when you can't control your urges enough when a pc isn't handy!) but he denied that because I have previously said, porn=fine if you don't hide it away, actually talking to these people=NOT fine.The thing is, I have absolutely no idea whether going on these chat rooms is out of character or not.. Maybe he feels the need to be curious about other people? In which case I would rather give our relationship an end and let him do that in his own time.I am of the belief that watching porn, smoking cannabis etc are all very fine if they are not lied about or hidden, and in moderation. The moderation bit obviously depends on individuals views. I just wish he would talk to me! I'm so nearly getting tired of having conversations that go round in circles and end in him saying "yes I won't hide things in future" and it all happening again!What on earth do I do ?Sorry that's not the most linear of posts!
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female
reader, msbluesky +, writes (5 September 2010):
msbluesky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your help guys!
I've already tried sitting down and talking but it usually just results in either "ok, i promise i won't lie anymore" or "i promise i'm not going to do *insert thing i confronted him about* again" or "i don't want to tell you cos you'll judge/get angry/i already know what you will say and it won't be very nice"
Despite me having said on numerous occasions putting words into my mouth before i've said them isn't clever!
I think I'll just have to approach stuff differently, I might just come across like I'm accusing him too much, we'll see. And I'll just have to see how everything is when we're both back at uni!
Thanks again :)
A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 trust is a huge part of any relationship, he is breaking yours over and over and since you aren't together all the time that makes it even harder to believe he's not doing anything else behind your back. Sooo many guys lie about porn use, if you want some reasons from guys check out the thread called 'why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn' There's a really good answer from 'dirtball' explaining why guys lie. Not that i think that makes it ok. My fiance lied about porn, until i almost left him. Once he realised it was lying i hated, not porn, he stopped lying. Time for a big talk to your bf. Explain that if he cant be honest over small things, how can you trust him.. That you wont be mad if he does it, just that you want honesty. But chat rooms are no way ok. Thats a dealbreaker for me... Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): I can't offer any advice on the cannabis thing, but i just went through bang on the exact same thing with my boyfriend and porn. Including the sex chats! Just want to say bear in mind he may not actually be using it for the chat. My bf used it to find other pictures, and also, with sex chat, comes webcams. It wasnt to talk to anyone and he showed me the sites to prove it. So just bear in mind he may not have done it. If he has...definitely not fine. You need a quiet public but private place, a good couple of hours and a long talk. Then listen to your instincts...you're young, you aren't stuck with him, if you need to leave, the sooner the better. Good luck
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (25 August 2010):
 Sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound like a keeper to me ... (as in one to keep ... or not). Firstly, perhaps the cannabis is making him evasive/difficult - I know you think it isn't a problem if he admits it/doesn't hide it, but actually it does affect someone's behaviour if taken regularly. He might seem sweet/ laid back/etc, but it makes people kind of lazy and slap dash, and a bit devious, in their relationships, I think (from own experience of one ex-husband and one ex-boyfriend doing the same thing).
As for the porn, totally agree that watching ok, chat rooms not ok. To be honest, you haven't got a clue what he is doing when not with you - he is hours away, his instinct is to hide things from you, and you've seen those links. How on earth can you have any confidence at all that he is not in chat rooms?
I think with so little grounds for trust, if you have the strength to move on, that is probably what you should do.
Or, if you really like him, have a serious serious discussion with him, and go from there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): I feel like maybe you need to state a few things to him. I know it isn't easy when you love someone, but you have to be confrontational sometimes. Say that you want to ask him some questions about it, the porn thing, because if he isn't evasive when your asking then he's most likely being honest. But be careful how u approach it all. Position it like a general interest not a point of argument. Phrase it like "i just wondered what is with porn why men love it, it does nothing for me" make it conversational and not aggressive. Men tend to become evasive and defensive if they think a person is prying or looking for a fight, which can often then come across as if they are lying or hiding something,when in fact they feel annoyed that you might not trust them. I obviously cannot generalize this as the way all men behave but i think its a good way to go about things.
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