A
male
age
41-50,
*imil
writes:My Ex and I broke up 10 days ago. We were together for 4 years, living together for most of it and travelling Europe for 18 months in the middle. She has suffered from depression for most of her life however went reasonably untreated through our relationship, only toward the end did she seek help as it got worse and worse. Over the 4 years I guess after trying everything to show her she isn't worhtless I got to the shut myself into my own world area, it had in effect made me depressed looking backIt ended when she blew up at me for ignoring her or some such excuse as she later admitted and she packed up and went away to stay with her best friend, we met the next day had a cofee and chatted about things, I explained what i could do to improve some things ( tiredness, being grumpy when tired, working long hours ) and also what was proving hard ( long work hours having to get home and cook and do chores )and also that the depression and crying and "I hate my life, wish I was dead's" and her lack of recognition of my own efforts to try and compensate everything was just too hard for me to deal with after 4 years of trying. She advised she wasn't sure if she would come back however she would go get treatment. I advised to take her time and I won't contact her until she is ready. Whilst takign time to work on my own faults and get myself healed, this talk was rather amicable no shouting or accusationsI acheived this break which was incredibly hard for 3 1/2 weeks, she contacted me a couple of times during the way for silly questions like how do i cook a steak or have i got any mail things she didn't need to contact me about. But I gritted my teeth alone for 3 1/2 long weeks. At the beginning of the break she sought a phsiciatrist who doubled her meds as such she came around one night for the talk, I had explained the things I felt I needed to improve from both ends. I had felt trapped by the depression cloud and the responibility for picking up the slack so to speak and had become tired and irratible, I needed to give up smoking improve my health and work o nthe long working hours and grumpiness etc..She however decided after 3 1/2 weeks to move out and breakup our relationship and rent a flat with her ( equally life depressed best friend )She seems so much better now since she left, I realize part or that is probably me however I do feel alot of it is due to the meds and help she is getting for a her depression,she was a I wish I was dead, tears, sleep on the couch needy sort of person and this was mostly depression I believe even though I gave her the attention she craved I could never make her feel good about herself. When she was ok she was the love of my life. However the other times over 4 years took their toll on me I guess.My problem is I still want her back, I love her and can see without the cloud of depression which was having negative effects on both of us we could succeed.I can see the depression has lifted / lifting from the treatment, she is doing things that she never do with me I gues because I would do them for her like cooking and supermarket shopping as examples of things that were in the too hard basket during her depression for example we have moved out of our house and all that, but I would like a chance at some stage starting a new without the cloud of depression hanging over, my problems are i am angry at the moment in that I have supported her for 4 years with depression she finally gets some professional help and decides to leave and not give me a chance so I guess I am a little bitter at the moment.I feel I need no contact whilst I sort my life out where to live, personal improvements etc.. and sort my feelings out but she can't do it always emailing me like we used too, I realize she has had longer to adjust to this but it's really annoying like nothing has happened. I feel I gave her the spaceshe requested during our 'break' however she cannot do the same for me at the moment, she obviously misses me and wants her cake and eat it too. Unfortunately she has broken my heart and I need time to come to terms with it before re-initiating contact.. if at all. She decided to leave and not work on it after allAny suggestions on how I could get her back ? My thing is no contact if she comes she comes if not I am moving on in the background anyway, the problem I have is I aslo want to confess my undying love! tricky though being old enough to know this is weak and rarely appreciated in these situations. The other thing is if I try no contact she will contact me and I will look weak by responding not sure how to handle this..Thanks :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MissyLaLa  +, writes (12 October 2010):
Hey there,
I really think you should go and seek some help for your depression as well. Looking after someone with depression is a really trialling and exhausting thing, and after 4 years, I am not surprised you have had some effects of that pressure as well. We all need a little help every now and then, and there is nothing wrong with speaking to your doctor about your break-up and your tiredness and lack lustre for life. A counsellor just to speak to about these things may help you a lot. Just having someone elses point of view, and a professional who can give you advice on the experience of your relationship with a depressed person would really benefit you in the long run.
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