A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've never really been in what you would call a proper relationship - i've been on dates but not too much else. I did however have a wonderful bestfriend several years ago, we were more than mere friends (never FWB) but i fought the progression of any sort of relationship because though he was great - he wasn't my prince. He didn't look as attractive to me as he should have done (feel evil for even saying that). He would have made a fantastic partner, husband, father, lover, protector and friend. He had everything and we clicked, we were always together. But physically i couldn't always picture us together. Ofcourse i'm no meg ryan so i shouldn't be complaining. I just wonder if i basically threw him away because he didn't look perfect, i could have been happy with him. What is love to you? Are looks really over-rated? I just fear i have too unrealistic an expectation and i am not valuing what is before me. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2012): I think it depends on how attractive you found him OP. You don't say whether you found him attractive or whether he just wasn't 'weak at the knees' gorgeous or "your type".
If you didn't find him in any way attractive then yeah that's a deal breaker. If he just wasn't "blow you away" gorgeous but you did find him cute then you may have missed out.
In my experience OP as long as there is a bit of sexual attraction there and you find the person pretty or cute, then they can become drop dead gorgeous as your feelings grow. Well that's the way it works for me and it honestly is a far deeper level of attraction than the ones where I was blown away immediately by their looks. A great personality has a way of making someone so profoundly and deeply beautiful to me that I will give almost every woman a chance unless I'm actually turned off by her.
The way you talk OP it sounds like you may have actually seen him as kind of cute but just not perfect looking. It sounds to me like you may have missed out and if you haven't ever gotten past the dating stage with a guy maybe you're holding out for a guy that's too perfect and may not exist.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2012):
 No, I don't think looks , or at least physical attraction- are overrated. They are overrated when women cling to a total loser , or anyway someone totally wrong for them, JUST because he's got such a pretty face or great body . But otherwise , there must be a reasonable minimum of chemistry right off the bat. I agree that some times people grow on you, and if they are given enough exposure time they can reveal parts of their personality that are so attractive to make you become comfortable with the physical parts of them that did not convince you at first. In other words, they don't have to totally match the perfect Prince Charming that you were dreaming of when you were eleven . It's OK if they only match it at,say, 60% or 55% - just to throw numbers around.. But if with all good will , and appreciation for their good qualities, you can't see yourself in bed with them, wanting them, feeling THIRSTY for the feel of THAT body , THAT skin aganst yours, ... then you are screwing yourself up. Because mind ( or heart ) and body are like two faces of the same paper sheet - you can't take them apart ,they are together. So why chosing of making do with half of a thing that should be whole and one.
Surely it's important , wonderful in fact , having great conversations, and sharing interests, having compatible personalities etc. - but if on top of that you can't also lust over the physical receptacle that contains all these moral, intellectual gifts,... uhm, I think it's not meant to be.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 September 2012):
 Well here's my story, so you can judge for yourself:
I met my boyfriend through an online dating site, we talked a lot and then met up for our first date. He only had one picture online so I wasnt sure whether I would fancy him or not, but we clicked so I wanted to meet him anyway. We had the most amazing first date, enjoyed each other's company and laughed so much. But I thought throughout the date I could never be physically attracted to him, as he is slightly overweight/short/heavy built rugby player and I have always gone for the talk dark and handsome type of man.
But I had such a good time we met up again, and carried on dating for a couple of weeks. I was still unsure how I felt - I loved his personality but the attraction wasnt quite there. I was honest with him and told him, it really hurt him but he said can we still carry on dating and see what happens, so I agreed and we carried on. I'm not sure what changed, perhaps it was getting it off my chest that made me feel better - but I fell head over heels for him and now we are living together! The sex was (and still is) amazing, and the more I was with him the more the attraction grew. It took a while, and was a slow process, but now I think he is gorgeous and cant believe I ever thought differently!
I think attraction can grow, if the personality is there. If you click and have chemistry, then the attraction can come later. HOWEVER, as in your case, you were friends for years - so if attraction was going to grow it probably should have already happened.
However it does sound like your expectations are a little unrealistic, after all there is no such thing as prince charming and often the really attractive men are the ones that are a bit limited in terms of intelligence, they dont often have great personalities so while you might fancy the pants off him, you wont have anything to talk about!
The best way to approach love is to forget any expectation, and expect nothing. Approach every man you meet with an open mind, dont write them off too soon and give everyone a chance. Just because you have an idea of your 'prince' in your mind, the man you end up with might be totally different. Dont know if you have ever watched sex and the city, but use Charlotte and Harry as your example - she married her prince Trey first, it was an awful marriage and then she met Harry, who was the opposite of what she thought she wanted, but the reality was he made her happy and they were very much in love, and that was the most important thing.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2012): If you weren't attracted to him, then you weren't attracted to him. To get involved with someone who would be "good for you" even though you're not attracted to them is unfair to the other person, and a recipe for disaster. It might seem good at first, but before you know it you've got a life together and someone who you're really attracted to physically comes along and *boom* you're swept up in it. Then it's affairs, guilt, discovery, heartbreak, divorce, and people being messed up for years and maybe forever.
If you were really that attracted to his personality, then the way he looked would have become attractive to you. When you really, *really* love someone, you get excited to see *them* because it's *their* face, *their* body, *they* are the one you want. Don't "settle" for something less than what you want. Otherwise, you will always tell yourself that you settled and you will always know that you want something else, and lives will be ruined in the process.
The only other alternative is to carefully look inside yourself and maybe change what it is you find attractive. This is work about you and can take months, but usually years. It requires a lot of introspection. Self-help books can only give you *clues*, the real hard-core answers, you have to come up with on your own. A lot of people find this very difficult, so the best thing to do might just be to keep looking for your "prince."
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