A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm dating someone I met online. He's normally very level headed and very good to me. But yesterday he posted a Facebook status while drunk which bothers me. It said "I f***ing hate it when one can't close out" which I believe he means he couldn't get sex. This was while he was at a club and drunk. I don't have a problem with him drinking or going out, and he can do whatever he wants because we're not exclusive yet. Vice versa. But I think it's disrespectful he posted that publicly when we have mutual friends. He deleted very quickly this morning and I believe no one saw. I just got "lucky" and was online late at night. What do you all think? Mistake or red flag? Do I say anything next time we meet?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): All I can think of is "close down" as in "close down bars", meaning he wanted to drink until closing but a friend dragged him out/bartender kicked him out. But I'm only guessing he mistyped because he was drunk. Like bartender maybe cut him off?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 June 2016):
 Strange expression. It is true that , in a bar, you open, or run, a tab, and then you close it out, but... why would they not let you close it ? When you close it, that's when they get paid, I 'd think they would have no objections to that.
I don't even know, honestly, if " closing out " is the same as " scoring " and it refers to sexual conquests. So, basically I have no idea what your guy meant.
But, what I found interesting is your reaction.
Maybe you are not so ok as you say with him going out drinking (... and possibly closing out on other girls ). You say you are not exclusive and the agreement is that each of you does what they want, no judgements, no questions asked.
But, you say, it's embarassing and disrespectful to you, to announce this freedom on social media, because you have mutual friends.
Well... but if they are mutual friends, they'll know about the status of your relationship, I guess. I.E: that you are dating non exclusively and are allowing each other space for ... whatever. I mean, it won't come as a big shock to them, they won't be under the impression that he is your boyfriend and that he is tryng to do the dirty on you behind your back.
Plus, what if he goes out with, or runs into these mutual friends , while he is at clubs tryng to close out on other girls ? They would know and they would see, without any need for a media announcement.
Conclusion : Own your actions, says I ( Although it is difficult at times, I realize that ).
If you are OK dating a barfly that , as far as you know, is inclined to use his nights out to seek casual sex, then you should not be embarassed to admit it. There's nothing to be embarassed about, if this is a freely undertaken mutual agreement.
Otherwise you are saying, more or less, that you are OK with hin being a free agent- as long as other people does not know and THINK you are more of a couple than you actually are.
I think you should make up your mind and see what you really want.
If you really don't mind giving him room to do whatever he wants , including sex with other women, than that he comments about it or not is his choice, he has no obligation to LOOK more committed than he actually is ( and you likewise ).
If in fact you are not totally OK with the status quo, then you should change it. Either asking the guy to become exclusive , or choosing a type of guy who is less keen of nightlife and multiple dating.
All this , assuming that he meant what you thought he meant- then again, if this is the first thing that popped up in your mind, I guess you will have your own good reasons, and will have sort of taken his measurements already....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2016):
 I looked all over the urban definitions and club language, and the phrase "close out" itself, and being that he's at a nightclub when he posted that, it may be more accurate that he was trying to close out his bill, not "close the deal", as in sex.
I saw many nightclub stories of people having problems closing out VIP rooms with an hourly rate, or nightclubs with bottle service, dancers, or whatever who have trouble closing out the night. It's quite possible that the club he went to is a strip club, in which case, closing out the tab is also a final thing to do after the lap dances and drinks have concluded.
Then again, I could be wrong, since I haven't gone clubbing since the 90's. What you might want to do is have a talk with this guy, because you may have an incompatible view on sex. You never mentioned whether or not you and he have become sexually active or not, but it needs to be clear that having sex can only happen once exclusivity has been established.
I know for a fact that unless there is a clear understanding of "no strings attached friends with benefits", 99% of guys who start sleeping with a girl would NOT have anything to do with that girl sleeping around, and then claiming that they were not exclusive merely because the words "we're exclusive" weren't spoken. That being said, if you two are sexually active, you shouldn't have to settle for him acting like a player until the magic words "We're exclusive" are spoken. Usually, two people seeing each other and moving toward an exclusive relationship are interested in the other person with more than just sexual intent, so one person chasing everyone else on two legs for casual sex isn't someone who wants to start a relationship.
You *do* say something next time you meet. You tell him that you saw his post, and you ask him what he meant by it. If he says he had sex, you tell him of your expectations for dating, that you're not asking to get engaged, but you don't date players. That if his intention isn't to get to know you better and working towards a one-on-one, than it's best to end now.
If he and you have become sexually active, then you make it crystal clear that you aren't looking for FWB, and that if sex is taking place between you, that there must be no other partners on either of your parts, and that the status of being sexually active MEANS exclusivity. It doesn't mean that he has to introduce you to parents or walk around telling all of his friends that you're boyfriend and girlfriend until you both make that decision, but that you do not do casual sex.
If you haven't yet become sexually active, the conversation is essentially the same, except that you tell him that you won't be comfortable with going any further physically unless you know beyond a doubt that both of you are only physical with each other and no one else. That is not too much to ask, and he can either say yes or no.
At any rate, you'll learn about his views on sexuality and whether or not they are compatible with yours. It's possible that he's been single for so long, he has a couple of "single guy bad habits" he'll have to re-think now that he's dating someone. Hopefully that doesn't include a vigorous affinity to one-night stands.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): We all set different boundaries when dating, particularly early on. My thought is that although in the very early stages you might be 'free' to date other people it doesn't give you the right to disrespect those that you are seeing. It is, I feel, important to reach a conclusion on the one person you would like to spend your time with so that you can commit to a physical relationship with emotional safety and for your physical well-being too - though I appreciate I am possibly old-fashioned. This is not a red flag it is an indication that the person you are dating is actively looking for sex elsewhere and gets frustrated when he doesn't get it. If you are ok with that then what difference does it make that he goes public with the idea? Other than your own humiliation. What is the bottom line with this? Because of my values I would dump him immediately. I wouldn't want to share someone - whether or not they went public about their actions.
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