A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, been courting/dating a girl for 4 months. Nothing to full on but we do have a sexual relationship, looks like things are on the way to being a "official" relationship. Just found out she had a one night stand before we met. (I'm not judging or shaming her at all, it is fine) but I have found that it makes me feel like I don't really see her in the "girlfriend material" way anymore, I have absolutely no probs with the fact she has had past boyfriends etc so I know it is not a jealousy issue and it is not retroactive jealousy because imagining her with past boyfriends sexually does not irk me at all. I guess I don't really like the idea of taking the relationship to the next step with someone that has different values about sex to me, I have only had sexual when in relationships, never fuck buddies or one night stands (even though I have had the chance) I only say this so you know there is no double standards or hypocrisy. This is the first girl I have slept with when not in a relationship but we have been dating and commuted to each other before having sex. She says she has the one night stand because she felt low at the time.. I completely get that but I know girls can pretty much get sex at the click of there fingers and most guys will screw anything that moves so I feel like this has really devalued the way I see her now. Feel silly for bothering to date and court someone who would give them self away so easily. Just getting some opinions would be good, I am not a slut shammer or jealous so please don't bring these things up.. I don't think she is a slut at all.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 I would like someone who's thrilled to date me, not because I am just passable and you could deal with my past. For some people this is not an issue, not something to be talked through.
It does sound like you got over it because you don't want a break up right now so you try to convince yourself it's not a problem at all. I hope this is a small niggle that eventually passes and not a persistent issue. Even if you agree that you would not bring it up with her again, it won't be good if you continue to suffer with this alone. I don't think it is an issue of values. It's a matter of, whether you have a problem with it or not. No one just goes through life and then at one point decide, they are the casual type, they are cheap and then go screw around. I think a lot of one night stands happen when they had never thought they are capable of it. An opportunity arises and they couldn't resist. You know a lot of people who vow to wait till marriage to have sex break that vow? All it takes is a sweet talker who targets their naivety.
I do agree that having a one night stand right before meeting you does not make a good impression, but hopefully she would grow into a woman through you. It would be sad to bargain with her situation and make her do extras to prove her worth in order to keep you.
I would be sad to know my guy sees me as cheapened because of my past, even just thinking about it once, but of course in my case I do not share my pasts. I would rather start over in a clean slate. It's not fun at all when I have to constantly worry about what other things turn him off.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWrong, spoke to her about exactly how I feel in a very pragmatic way and she was amazing at talking to me about it and explaining it to me in a non dramatic way, I never said I definitely could not see her just felt a bit conflicted. Feel pretty good about it now. She is not a slut (whatever someones definition of that is) people can just get concerns you know does not always mean finality ??
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 I guess it's a good thing she has no clue as to how you see her.
I doubt you have changed your mind in the last 24 hours.. You latest update even points to it, but you will continue to date her, hold it over her head that she had a ONS and when you find someone you "deem" GF material, I presume you will dump this one...
Not a cool attitude.
Good luck to you anyways. I hope you treat her well.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2015):
 "I have found that it makes me feel like I don't really see her in the "girlfriend material" way anymore"
"I guess I don't really like the idea of taking the relationship to the next step with someone that has different values about sex to me"
"I feel like this has really devalued the way I see her now"
"Feel silly for bothering to date and court someone who would give them self away so easily."
"I am not a prude I just don't like the idea of someone letting a stranger fuck them. Not saying it makes them a bad person but a bad potential long term partner? Maybe maybe not."
"I'm not a prude regarding sex just don't like the idea of someone just dropping their pants to a stranger. Not saying it makes them a bad person though"
So you've magically worked through all those negative feeilngs you had about her and her ONS? Wow! That's the fastest turn around I've seen! Amazing!
Good luck to you!
P.S. Don't be a shitheel and drop her in a few months because these feelings you outlined here suddenly rear their ugly heads. That would be exceedingly unfair, and supremely selfish of you. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, some truly great answers and some that suck, talked it all through with and gonna stick with her, she ticks so many boxes. Thanks a lot to all the decent posters. To me a one night stand and taking a girl on regular dates and seeing her a few times a week without even having sex everytime are not even close to being the same thing hahaha.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 August 2015):
My best advice to you OP, is STOP blurring the lines.
IF you are NOT interested in people who do casual sex (such as ONS/F-buddies,FWB) then DATE a girl for 4-6 months with NO sex. IF you think there is something to build on then MAKE it official. And THEN the sex can begin. Having sex and then deciding OH she isn't "good" enough to date because she did something "you would never do in the past", is not fair.
You definition of FWB is way outdated. If you read HALF the posts on DC (Dear Cupid) you would notice that most of them hang out, text, talk, go to dinners, some even go on vacations together... yet they are NOT a couple, nor are they dating each other. They are Friends who F#@$. And it usually goes sideways because emotions come into play for ONE of the parties.
F-buddies are the kind you may be thinking of, who will call another person and arrange sex.
ONS are two people who meet when they are (usually) both horny and lonely and "settle" for a roll in the hay after which they hastily part ways. These sometimes turn into F-buddies or FEB and rarely into relationship.
There are no RULES set in stone for the progression of FWB etc.
But DO her a favor and end it with her. She doesn't deserve to be strung along by a guy who thinks LESS of her due to her ONS and who think she is somehow damaged goods.
Let her go.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 August 2015):
 Sadly we can't change your mind on the fact that having sex with someone over a long period of time without a commitment is still FWB.... you would rather call it dating or courting... go right ahead.
and yes you ARE judging her.
and you should end it. soon. just say it's not working out for you... because that's the truth. it's not working out for YOU....
be careful what you wish for.
a woman who is very "strict" with her choice of partner may be "worthy" in your eyes but your sex life could suffer in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2015):
Why haven't you ended the relationship yet? You've already stated that you feel "silly for bothering to date and court someone who would give them self away so easily."
If you continue to date/sleep with/whatever the label it is you want to call it but you aren't in an official relationship as you outlined in your first post knowing full well you aren't going to commit to her, then you are using her for sex too. In fact, one could argue that at least the ONS was a more honest relationship than this one, which if you continue it, will be you using her for sex knowing that you won't be able to commit because of that ONS.
Bottom line for you as you put it: "I just don't like the idea of someone letting a stranger fuck them. Not saying it makes them a bad person but a bad potential long term partner? Maybe maybe not."
You've already dismissed her as a long term partner, the sooner you let her go, the sooner she can find another guy. Keeping her hanging around is cruel at this point, knowing that you don't believe she's a long term prospect.
Break up with her and get on with your separate lives ASAP. The sooner you let her go, the sooner you can meet a woman with the past you can live with. The sooner you let her go, the sooner she can find a partner who likes her just as she is.
If you're just here debating whether or not someone who engaged in ONS can be a long term partner, then say so. But for heaven's sake, set this woman free.
If you are wondering if people who engaged in ONS can be excellent long term partners, I have several friends who are in long term, happy, fantastic marriages with awesome men and women, so by empirical evidence in my own life, I know for certain that they can indeed be excellent long term partners. The debate is unnecessary for me, I know that it can work just fine!
Now, if you have moral problems with it, after all you are entitled to hold your morals, then it's time to end the relationship before your own morals are compromised. You don't want to be the guy who was just using her for sex and companionship, leading her on, knowing full well that it's only a short term proposition, now, do you? That would make you undateable in some women's eyes. You'd have to disclose that to your next partner, and it might not go down well.
End the relationship, stick to your morals and move on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 Where's the variance ?....
Unless you are specifically against ONS, and not against casual sex in gneral, in which case you'd have a point I guess.
But you say that you have a problem with all casual sex- in theory. In practice, you ARE engaging in casual sex . With her. So, there is apparently no variance in your values.
Now please do not tell me that a few weeks or even months of occasional hanging out is what makes the difference. There are people who stay fuck buddies ffor years !. It's not the duration that makes things casual, or not casual, it's the intent, and the committment, or lack of the same. As of now , you are dating pretty casually, and you are not, nor consider yourself in a committed relationship . That you do it with more enthusiasm that you'd do with arandom hook ip, and / or that you spend some time together also out of bed- so far just makes you two good, compatible fuck buddies.
You said you never had sex ourside of a erious relationship; newsflash, you are having it NOW, you feel that there's a chance this MAYBE is going to become serious.... yeah. MAYBE.
In other words, you are doing things topsy turvy :)- first you fuck, then you'll see if it will " take " and you two will end up together . ( While, in your own view !, it should be the opposite ).
Personally, I don't think you are doing anything shocking, that's the way things go nowadays most of the times- people feel physical attraction, acts upon it, then que sera sera,let's keep fingers crossed . So, I don't have a problem with this M.O.- curiously, YOU do- at least in tehoru. Not in practice, obviously.
O know what you are going to say : but this is not your usual M.I. ! This is an absolute first for you, it's a big exception !
Ok. And maybe the ONS was not her usual M.O. maybe it was an absolute first and a big exception due to particular moods and circumstances.
I am not very well versed in Christian things, but I can recognize somerhing intelligent when I hear it. One was, more or less " Who's without sin, let him casr the first stone" And the other " Do not judge if you do not want to be judged ".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPardon my spelling on the question, I did not edit and wrote it on the fly, so seeing a girl, taking her for dates and waiting a month to sleep with her is considered FWB to some of you? Sorry but nope. Not even close, wanting to really get to know someone before committing 100% to a long term relationship is what I am doing, if I spent the time to get to know past partners instead of rushing into a relationship I would probably have never had any of them, that is the purpose of what I am doing and I'm not a prude regarding sex just don't like the idea of someone just dropping their pants to a stranger. Not saying it makes them a bad person though....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome great answeres guys thanks, hahah so I have been takeong her for dates for four months and spending lots of time with her as well as having a sexual relationship? And that is FWB? That is so stupid... I don't know any FWB that do anything other than meet for sex than go seperate ways after. This is completely different, did not sleep with each other after a month of dating/courting... I am not a prude I just don't like the idea of someone letting a stranger fuck them. Not saying it makes them a bad person but a bad potential long term partner? Maybe maybe not.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (17 August 2015):
 Behavior, including sexual past such as ONS, should be used to evaluate another person while making a decision as to weather she is datable material or not. This may not be a popular idea with some people, but judging people is what every human does, including those who scream, shout and pass judgements that you shouldn't judge.
Anyway, if her ONS is a deal breaker than break the deal. Obviously, you have no business admonishing her over it because you can't pose as a victim of a circumstance that does not involve you. If those are your criteria, then follow them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): Unless you are in an official relationships, you are friends with benefits. Friends with benefits is a series of one night stands. So you do have the same morals. The fact that you are almost officia doesn't change the fact that you started off having sex outside of a relationship. Joe long you'd talked before that is a moot point. You too sir have had sex outside of a relationship.
Having said that, it is your prerogative to break up with someone for any reason under the sun. So go ahead and break up with her. Let her know you don't think its working out.
Good luck finding love.
Do remember that people surprise you :-) People amaze you if you give them s chance.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): There is a big difference between a ONS and a couple who have dated for several weeks or months.
The OP's values don't perfectly match everyone else's values here. But that is no excuse to call him a hypocrite when he is not. His values sound pretty normal and consistent to me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2015):
Oh and P.S. You're not technically a ONS with her but you aren't officially a boyfriend, so you're what? A FWB for the time being?
If you are struggling with the 'morals' of this situation then definitely end the dating/sex stuff as it seems to be compromising your integrity.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 August 2015):
You say you are not judging, but you are. Several times in your post..
"I feel like this has really devalued the way I see her now."
So you TIE in HER value to her sexuality.
"Feel silly for bothering to date and court someone who would give them self away so easily."
You presume she just "let" the first Tom, Dick or Harry in her pants... And again... her sexuality is "part" of her value. So while you don't "slut-shame" you still think HER making a choice to have casual sex makes her... less valuable.. less good... less of a partner.
You think a Girlfriend must have some kind of "clean" track record and "perfect" behavior. YET... you were JUST fine having sex with her too...
IF you don't SEE her as a GF-material - end it now before she gets too attached, but I hope to goodness you won't tell her it's due to her ONE... ONS.
It's OK to have certain "standards" when it comes to partners specially SINCE you yourself stick to the same standards. But you also might want to remember that THEY can live their lives as THEY see fit. You do NOT set the "world standard" for what young man and women should do with their sexuality. You are not the Sexuality Police, just putting it out there.
You might find though, down the line, that a girl having had a single ONS has no bearing what so ever in her ability to be a good GF, partner, wife and/or mother.
My husband was quite the he-whore after he divorced his first wife and before we met - many many ONS's, several short term GF and goodness knows what else. I never did. I have had 3 BF's before I met him. No casual sex, no hook-ups, no ONS. It's just not HOW I roll.
However, I didn't judged his past. I don't think a guy who had had one or even a few ONS WHILE being single makes them undateble. He has been faithful for the 19+ years we have know each other, a good friend, partner, father, lover and husband. What HE did before we met, is irrelevant to me. It means nothing. A person is not the SUM of their sexual experiences. There is SO much more to a person than who they had sex with.
THAT is how I feel. You feel differently, so act accordingly. And end it with her. No need to string her along.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 August 2015):
If you don't see her as girlfriend material anymore, there's probably nothing anyone here could say to change that. So do her a big favor and end the relationship right away, so she can move on and find a guy who will accept her with all her 'flaws' and you can move on and find a woman with the sexual past you will accept.
P.S. It's rather charming that you use the words "court' as a way to describe your dating style. Be sure to use that in your dating profiles so that the women you meet will understand what it is you are looking for.
P.S.S. If you are feeling "silly for bothering to date and court someone who would give them self away so easily" then do a full background check and be very very clear with your unease with this before you start dating someone.
It will save you a lot of time. :) Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 August 2015):
My opinion is to find another girl. Not because she was a slut and you have different morals, but because you would have no issues like that which could drag on forever.
Men and women are conditioned to feel men win if they could get away with sex with no effort, while women win if they can get a man to commit without sex. Thousands years of brainwashing is hard to change on notice. Women rebel a bit about this. Some feel because of the equality of sexes they should be able to do what they want. Some are depressed and thought another man could make her move on from her ex. I don't think nowadays women actually think what they could get from "controlling the cookie."
I think that one night stands on vacation are fine, but if you do it out of desperation, or right before you find a suitable man to date, it does decrease the value in the man's eyes. It would make you think like if it weren't for a gentleman like you, she would have continued to screw guys.
I myself learn that for a relationship to start out right, always abstain from sex for 6 months before meeting the guy. I give my heart some space to open up for a man to come into my life. I am not a saint, but I've never had issues with boyfriends questioning my value because stuff about my past was never talked about, or dug up after few years into a relationship.
I really think you should get out. It's only been 4 months. You can say that a woman who's had one night stands can also become good faithful wives but I guess the feeling is that you purchased good money for a knock off product. Even if it works fine it's not the same thing as the real thing. She has to learn either to be discreet about her sexual activity or to be patient about healing her broken heart.
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