A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My question put simply:Do Girls who grew up without knowing their father (i.e the father left home when they were born) have a tendency to be attracted, and go with "Bad Boys" who dont really care for them, and ultimatly cheat on them and treat them with disrespect.Longer version , More details....I am very social and have many friends. Many of my friends are attractive girls, Im guessing they like hanging out with me because Im a good listener, love fashion and the arts, I am not that threatening, and always try to be a gentleman. I have had a few relationships, but the best one Ive ever had was with a girl where everything clicked, we were incredibly compatable, we loved all the same food, music, entertainment, laughed at all the same things, would fall asleep at the same time, best times of our lives... but we were only ever friends not lovers. I very much wanted our amazing friendship to become a relationship most of our mutal friends asumed we were having, but she didnt want to make that step for reasons she could never explain (dispite our very good comunication on all levels)During our friendship of 6 years, she did have a few boyfriends ll of whom were bad boys who treted her terribly, very abusive and disrespectful (cheating etc..) she seemed to always go for these guys, when everyone around would know that they were going to be a problem.I found it hard to understand why she kept choosing these bad men, instead of a "good" guy who really cares for her like me. Friends sugested its because she grew up without a father, she has never met her father.Im asking if this is a common sindrome. ie: Do Girls who grow up without a father tend to choose "Bad Boys" and ones that ultimatly dont really care about them?I ask because I have met another girl who is doing the exact same thing, and just found out she too has never met her dad.How can I get her to go with a "nice" man like me who really cares.Im in a rock band so do not have problem hooking up with girls, i just happen to really like both these girls. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 in my case - yes. my dad died when i was a 4 and was severely handicapped for a few years before that after suffering a severe stroke and i have often felt that this has had something to do with my bad dating history. apparently our personalities are moulded by the time we are 7 years old so our early child hood experiences have a big influence on the rest of out lives.
girls without fathers may have no 'blue print' to work off in terms of the sort of man they should be looking for, they may also crave male attention (lacking a father) and this may lead them into making bad choices, being desperate and settling for men who are not really a wise choice for them. also we have no dad there to look out for us, to educate us about the way that men can be and to chase 'dogs' away from his house!
i suppose if the girl has a really strong role model in her mum, then she will have a better chance, but very often a single mum will be too preoccupied in her own relationships to be totally there for her daughter, let alone act as both 'mum and dad' to her.
* i am not trying to make sweeping generalisations here, i am telling you my point of view based on my own personal experience
A
female
reader, taitai +, writes (4 June 2011):
Speaking as one of those fatherless girl's you like, you are 100% correct. I am very intelligent, confident, loyal and I have very high self asteem. I suspect, your girl did to. Girls like us are not completely broken but most of us have a problem seeing the good guy right in front of our face. We don't look past you, we snatch you up because we see the goodness in you. We reel you in with our great personality etc. and bam. You are our best male friend. We are going to tell you things we don't even tell our boyfriends, you know it all. We are tight! I had one, his name was Greg. And he held me down through all the bad boys and wiped my tears and said "girl keep your head up". Then I said I know ha forget that bum. On to the next one. The fatherless girls always look for the love in all the wrong places, and we know better. And we hear our male bestie sayin he's a real man. But we just can't see what's infront of our face. Not to say that you can't get through to your homegirl.You can but you need to get a dialogue going about her daddy issues. We carry it in our hearts all of our lives. So her down and pour your heart out to her that you can treat her better than any man she is going to find out in the world. Make sure you let her know that you still have her back even if she is to blind to see the good man right in front of her face.:-) Greg passed away and we never got a chance to have that conversation.
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A
female
reader, lak345 +, writes (31 August 2009):
I DEFINITELY think so! 100%. I am in my 40's now and have learned over and over again that all I pick are the wrong ones. My father was around but abused me and my siblings. Since then, I am divorced twice (both men were definitely big zeros - verbally abusive). I had a few guy "friends" that were wonderful, good looking, and extremely nice to me that I could not feel that "connection" with and it frustrated me as much as it frustred them. I am now the single mother of two beautiful little girls (8 and 5 years old) and I feel so afraid that they are going to head down that same dead end road that I have been down. I have several girl friends who had abusive or absent fathers, themselves, and ended up with the wrong men and at dead ends, but they have great guy "friends". My girl friends and myself are well educated, loving mothers, and successful in life, but unsuccessful in relationships. I would like the answers as to how to stop the cycle for my girl's sake??? I am not looking to date anyone or have a step father in my girls life, but there has to be a way to intervene in the cylce and break the chain. Me and my girls are Christians and I tell them over and over again that they DO have the ultimate Father - God, and then I pray a lot. The are both very introverted, and I believe it's due to the fact that they're fathers are not here. If there are books out there on how to make up the difference when the father is not present or present but abusive I would like to know about them.It's not you! Believe me, I know!
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A
female
reader, deja_vue +, writes (7 December 2008):
I grew up without a father but my mother tried to take that role. It didn't work very well nd she was very verbally abusive nd so was my step father. I deffinetly always fall for bad boys nd they always seem to be older ever since I was 12 years old. The last guy I dated was verbally abusive but I was always the same with him and we reamianed friends nd also hooked up for a while. The guy before that was a sweetheart but also 5 years older than me but we ended on a bad note. Im trying t get out of this by not dating for a while but it seems to not be working that well. If anyone has any advice please let me know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2008): My dad left when I was 12 and I have always been attracted to bad boys but I think Its more I have a strong personality and need to be matched than actively looking for trouble
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): well i have also grown up without a father and i am too attracted to bad boys. I think it's because of how i grew up around no real father so it made it harder for me to like boys. I used to think that all boys would be like my father. I used to be in relationship where he used to hit me alot and i didnt see anything wrong then my friends showed me that it is not right at all. So i am looking for better guys now.
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A
female
reader, get_carded316 +, writes (11 September 2008):
Hey ... Im 18 and am a girl an I have Never met my dad ...I mailed him a letter his wife got it opened it an called me an told me to email her ... Well that turned out to be like crap she called me a mistake an my dad still wanted absolutely nothing to do with me ... I wouldnt say I go for the bad guys I know I could do better but I feel oh why would anyone that good want me ... I do tend to try an get with older guys tho ... An I do think thats cuz of no father... Im 18... When I was 14 I was talkin to a 30 yr old who now is 34 I guess an has a daughter who is 16 has a chick who is preg thats 19 was gunna leave her an wanting sex from me I never gave it to him an changed my number ... So now I like this guy who is 30 also but he is so sweet he also has 2 kids but one is 7 an one is 8 im kinda scared but dont know... Hope that helps some :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008):
Young women just like bad boys.
We act like it is because of some unfortunate problem in her life all the time but I don't think it is. The family problems can make it worse but they're not the whole reason it was there in the first place.
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A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 I think it's more then just growing up with a father.
You know what they say: "Nice Guys Finish Last". Which is unfortunate for you, but you can't blame the girl's family for why she is shying away from being more then just friends with you.
Many people grow up in single family homes and they end up fine.
I think you should be wondering why YOU are always wanting these girls who don't want you back.
But don't worry, you seem like a decent guy and I'm sure one day a girl will come around who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her.
xo
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (5 July 2008):
 Hey poster,
I think it all boils down to self esteem. Girls (and guys) get involved with people who mistreat them simply because they lack self respect and don't leave the situation because they don't feel "worthy" enough for someone who would be better to them.
I don't know if you could say the lack of self esteem is due to the lack of a father. I know plenty of women who had abusive fathers who accept losers. I also know lots of strong willed "not taking any shit from anyone" women who grew up without fathers.
If you are looking for a specific study on this topic, google it. I have a BS in Family Social Science and have studied plenty of disfunctional situations and this case was not one of them.
Take care,
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 I'm trying to understand what you are getting at. What I would say is:
Girls (and guys) who grow up without a father are more likely to suffer from insecurity and low self esteem.
People with low self esteem more frequently end up in controlling / abusive relationships with partners who don't treat them well.
This much is well known (and shown in many studies).
One explanation is that people with low self esteem don't feel they deserve better. Since they feel they themselves aren't 'worth much' they tend to be attracted to similar types and to compromised situations.
I would also say that a girls growing up with a lack of a strong male role model doesn't help, in that you don't learn all the acceptable and unacceptable behaviour for a guy. The result is that in a relationship you don't have well defined borders on some behaviour, and so can end up with an abusive man more easily.
Respectively, boys who grow up without a male role model can have problems too: knowing how they should behave from a 'masculinity' point of view.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all those who answered so far. There seems to more concentration on why girls go for bad boys, and how I could perhaps get my friends to go for me... which i very much appreciate. but id still like to know if there is a connection between girls going for boys who they know deep down are not going to be a successful relationship, and girls who grew up without a father.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all those who replied, it is helpful to me.
Im still not quite getting the actual question answered though.
Maybe i should re write the question a different way.
or maybe its a more deep psychological question that may need a professor of psychology who has statistics on this kind of stuff?
You see both my friends ask me, and others "Why they cant meet good guys who treat them right" while there are a couple standing right in front of them.
On a more personal level it just upset me to see my first friend getting hurt again and again. Now with my new friend Im seeing a similar pattern so cant help wanting to get to the bottom of it.
I think there is the other issue that it seems that if you become very good friends with a girl you like first, and then you realize you love her, it is difficult to change it into a boyfriend girlfriend relationship... but thats a whole different question.
I would still like to hear more thoughts on the original question:
Is it statistically common for Girls who grew up without knowing their father (i.e the father left home when they were born) to have a tendency to be attracted to men who don't really care for them, and ultimatly cheat on them and treat them with disrespect. i.e. deep down they know they will be rejected, because thats how they subconsciously felt as kids not having a father.
(we will address my issues of being attracted to girls who are crying out for help on a separate page. LOL !)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): People say girls have low self-esteem, but nobody ever checks the self-esteem of the boys sitting next to them. It's just as bad and nobody is paying attention. Girls are doing this to themselves. That's all there is to it.
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A
male
reader, Peterk5699 +, writes (4 July 2008):
 I can safely say this isn't true with all girls. I've been dating someone for just under a month and she didn't know her dad.
I'm not a "nice guy" but I'm not a bad boy and she accepts me for that.
I read some of the links posted and they are rather amusing - thanks danielpew
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): Just a very light hearted comment; I don't like the "bad" guys; I will never settle with them; might have a few jokes, flilrt al little, but that is it; HOWEVER, with the very "good" guys; I am always very CAUTIOUS....always asked myself: WHat is behind this "mask"; don't trust them to easily; check them out carefully.
Bottom line: I want somebody that is well balanced; neither to good nor to bad!
Keep SMILING
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (4 July 2008):
I'll take a shot at this from a woman who spent a few years without a father figure.
Yes, there is turmoil in relationships for people who grow up in disfunctional families. However, some fatherless (or motherless) families are completely functional and children grow up with good self esteem and the ability to succeed in a healthy relationship. Be careful not to make assumptions based on small examples of patterns you see.
I have always thought that there is a time in a woman's life when she does go through the bad boy/man stage. In this time of her life, I think she knows deep down that these guys are not commitment material and I think deep down, she is not ready to commit to a relationship either. By not chosing the good guy (meaning nice, dependable, committed) she doesn't have to deal with her own "fear."
When we are ready to settle down, most of us chose the reliable good guy who will make a good father. Maybe too, we've learned the hard way and come to the realization that the "bad boy" just breaks our hearts.
You mentioned that you have many opportunities with girls (and yes boys in the band are hot) but I wonder why YOU are chosing girls who aren't into you-that way. Seems we always want what we can't have more than wanting what we have.
Keep being you because there is a woman out there who you will be absolutely crazy over who will be thrilled to be with you. Timing is everything.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 Hi mate,
wow you cant force a girl to fall in love with you even if you are nice. It goes beyond that , sexual, intellectual etc.
Not having a stable father figure in the house is bad for any child boy and girl. But plenty of people grow up in one parent families and enjoy loving relationships.
I think you are trying to pinpoint it to one thing, there is more to it than that.
Sorry, just feel sorry for these girls, hopefully as a friend you can convince them to change their ways, but its doubtful if you have an alterior motive ( like your own interest to start with )
good luck anyway.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 July 2008):
 As to really liking both girls, my opinion is that you should pick only one. You can't love them both.
Girls who grow up without a father figure do grow in a different situation and that affects their relationships in the future. Some have problems for a very long time, some others learn how to cope with their selves.
I'm afraid that you are a little mis-oriented in this regard. If a girl likes the bad guys, you can't convince her to like the nice guys: she has to do that herself. And being "nice" is no guarantee that someone will like you. Why?
As to girls preferring "bad guys", I have often thought the same way. But, let's give the floor to women:
"So here it is: The difference between a genuinely good man who ATTRACTS women and one who ultimately does not is centered around from what position he is coming from in performing his "good guy" behavior. Men who act "nice" from a position of WEAKNESS end up rejected. Men who are in a position of STRENGTH, yet who treat women well often make women so crazy for them that they have more options than they can handle."
Some other links you might want to read:
Nice guys vs. good men (the source of the paragraph above):
http://www.sosuave.com/articles/goodmen.htm
Nice guys in general:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/ng.shtml
Jerks can be the lesser evil:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/Jerksthelesserevil.shtml
Why nice guys are often such losers:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml
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