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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi all! i've been going out with my boyfriend for almost five years now and we're very serious. However recently a few disasters have started making me feel worried about whether he is going to dump me or not. First of all he has just become very close to an old best friend because this friend had a serious injury which nearly led to him having a limb amputated. His mate seem to be suffering from depression about this and the fact that his long term girlfriend split up with him when he had this accident. He is encouraging my boyfriend to go on all these lads nights out with him and is acting really cold towards me and i'm sure he is saying things to my boyfriend about me behind my back. Also the other day, being a learner driver, i asked my boyfriend if he would take me out in his car, my boyfriend did and told me he was insured for me to drive it. I stupidly ended up crashing his car by complete accident and it turns out he wasn't insured for me to drive it. Now him and his family are totally mad with me. My dad said that all that matters is that we are both alright and that it was really my boyfriends fault for telling me that i was insured because if he had been then everything could have been sorted out properly and it wouldn't have been such a bad issue as all learners are very likely to have accidents and it shouldn't have been suprising. Now i just feel totally depressed about the whole issue, and to top it off i'm going on holiday soon with my family so i'm worried my boyfriend will find someone else. :-(
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (14 December 2005):
 Let's get one thing straight in your mind: you can't make someone love you.
If he's going out with a mate who says unflattering things about you, or if you crash your boyfriend's car, or you go away on holidays -- it doesn't matter. If you boyfriend loves you, then he'll continue to love you, even through adversity. If he doesn't, your clinging desperately to him won't change his affection.
Think of this analogy: one of your friends says to you, "Your boyfriend is so stupid. Why don't you just leave him?" Would you say back to her, "Oh, wow. You're so right! I think I will leave him!"? Or would you defend him? You'd stand up for him to your friend, right? Because you love him, and her comments to you about him don't change that. Same thing with your bf and his mate. If he loves you, then he'll defend you and won't be swayed by his mate's opinion.
It sounds like you're working yourself into a frenzy over these recent incidents, and that's probably wasted effort. Furthermore, nothing tends to be less attractive than a desperate, clingy partner. So, ease up on yourself.
The accident you had was your fault for being the driver, but your bf shouldn't have lied about being insured when he wasn't, so he needs to shoulder some of the blame, too.
Finally, if your boyfriend can "find someone else" in the time it takes you to have a few weeks' hols with your family, then he didn't care for you all that much to begin with, did he? Do YOU forget all about him and start shopping for boyfriends, just because you're apart? No? Well, give him the same credit.
Try not to worry and let things play out the way they will. You sound pretty young still, and this relationship won't be the only one you ever have. Keep reminding yourself that these last incidents were accidents - not something you planned - and learn from the mistakes you've made.
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