A
female
age
30-35,
*cythe
writes:Are all men this emotionally frigid?I wrote my boyfriend of 3 years a heartfelt letter detailing my doubts about our relationship. I’ve recently moved in with him (and his siblings) and things don’t seem to be working for me, due to a redundancy, light depression and getting used to living with many extroverted people. The content of the letter was quite upsetting, such as:“I can’t see us getting married and raising kids anymore.”“I am a very emotional and intellectual person... sometimes I want to shake you to get a reaction from you as you are very ‘anything goes’/laid-back/indifferent.”“We seem to have nothing in common and nothing to talk about anymore”(There was more detail in the letter)It was not a break-up letter as such but I was expecting him to be really upset, cry, beg for us to work things out etc. So he read the letter, looked up and said “This is a lot of information” or something similar. No tears, no outward signs of sadness. At this stage I was quite shocked but resigned, as I know he is not a dramatic type of guy. I on the other hand was silently crying the whole time. So I coaxed him into commenting on certain things. He never thought anything was wrong, and he still wants to get married etc one day. I’m glad he didn’t totally clam up, but am I disheartened that he was still so emotionally unavailable and almost indifferent.I’ve started looking at him differently now, reminding myself not to expect much/anything deep from him, reminding myself that he is just an easy-going guy with not much going on upstairs (we hardly discuss anything intellectual/philosophical etc).So my question is this – is this the status quo for all men? Should I resign myself to only finding sexual and physical comfort from him and everything else (emotional and intellectual discussion) from my girlfriends? Are there guys out there who would have cried upon reading a letter like that from their partner?Please help.Scythe
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (21 January 2011):
scythe is verified as being by the original poster of the question I've been pondering all your advice (many thanks, by the way!).
I will try to see if this is something I can help him work on - perhaps with encouragement he might be able to express his feelings more openly.
But I also have to accept the (likely) possibilty that he is always going to be this way.
It's a tough one... apart from this lack on the verbal-emotional-intellectual front he is a kind and mature person.
Thanks again,
x
A
male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Men are all different. Some are stoic and emotionless. Others are very emotional and sensitive. In general, we're taught to be strong, though. Men who are sensitive are mocked pretty ruthlessly growing up. Softies are still out there though.
As for your guy? He is who he is. If you can't see yourself with him for the long term, don't expect him to change.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Can't generalize for all men. Many of us are not as extreme as your BF in our emotional indifference.
I can say that a letter like that would have upset me if I read it. I'm more in tune with my emotions than the "average" guy though.
Also, some men are in tune with their emotions, but not good at expressing them for different reasons.
Anyway, I feel that having that intellectual connection is important for a lasting relationship. It may be worth considering leaving this relationship. You are only going to have continued frustration with this guy I fear.
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