A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Relatively recently I've been having an issue with sex with my partner. We're on two and a half years, and still strong, but recently after every time we have sex, or anytime things have become sexual, I begin feeling depressed.I have had a history with being used, and also rape when I was younger, but, with the exception of getting comfortable with sex to begin with, I've never really had this problem.I still feel just as good throughout the whole thing, though takes a bit more than usual to get me 'in the mood' to begin with these days. Also, it's only when I know he has to leave soon after (we do not live together), even though this is most of the time. By soon, I mean within a few hours afterwards.I feel a little down shortly after we have finished, but it's generally once he leaves that I feel very depressed. I have talked to him about this before, but the only answer he has is to stop having sex, which I know neither of us really wants to do. I know he loves me, and I trust him more than anything. And there is a lot more to our relationship than sex (it's not exactly a regular occurrence)I think that's about it, though I'll update with more information if needed. Please help me out here, as it's slowly getting worse, and I really want to be able to enjoy myself like I used to.
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female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (3 May 2011):
Well stress and depression of any sort can affect your sex drive a lot, especially if you're more prone to them and have trouble dealing with it. So I think that could explain this:"I still feel just as good throughout the whole thing, though takes a bit more than usual to get me 'in the mood' to begin with these days"Having had severe anxiety and depression myself I know that it can affect a whole range of things in your life. It never revolved around sex for me but it did shift it's focus to other things, none of which were the actual problem. Which was in fact very low self esteem.In your case I'm not convinced it is purely because of sex. I know you said you don't want to but maybe having a break from it just for a short time might help show if it is totally related to that. You might find you start to feel depressed/anxious about other things or if it goes away completely and it is all to do with sex at least you know for sure what it is when you can talk to someone. To be honest I'd try not to risk creating an association between sex = depression. So for now when you feel depressed just try to think of it as actual depression, not in relation to anything until you're sure of the cause. Another possibility is some sort of chemical imbalance, considering at the moment you are mostly feeling depressed after sex in which the brain does release a lot of 'feel good' hormones/chemicals. Afterwards they decrease but it shouldn't lead to a depressive state. That's something only a doctor can help you with though.I suppose the only other thing I can add which helped me when i noticed I was beginning to feel down is try not to dwell on or justify your depression/anxiety (which will only build it up), but don't try to repress it either (as it will come back with a vengeance). Just notice it when you need to and carry on with whatever you are doing. I wish I could help you more but it would probably be best to talk to someone if you get the chance. It's hard to get everything across on a forum.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't think of anything that has really changed when this started, but there has been more stress involved this year due to university.
Also, I probably should have mentioned I have been dealing with both depression and an anxiety disorder for some years now. With the exception of the first few times, and the very occasional time, this has never been an issue. Generally when I'm feeling down or anxious I'm not "in the mood", and so is pretty much not applicable.
Yes, I am aware of him needing to leave afterwards, but as mentioned, this has never been an issue before recently.
I must admit that I do have issues to be sorted out, however there are reasons, which I would rather not mention at the moment, that prevent me from getting help via a counselor for now. That said, when I can I will. In the meantime I was hoping that someone could help. I understand if this is more an issue that needs to be sorted out in person.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (2 May 2011):
Has anything changed with you and your partner recently that could have brought on these feelings? Or anything that's happened in your life in general? Is the depression totally centered around sex or have you been feeling down about other things too? Or are you more depressed about the fact that he's leaving rather than anything sexual (so before you do anything are you aware he has to leave soon?).Given what you mentioned about your history though it could be related to that. If you were fairly young when it all happened you may not have gotten over it which is why it's affecting a good relationship today. I would see a counselor if possible and talk it through with them.
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A
male
reader, MyButtHurts  +, writes (2 May 2011):
This guy sounds alright. Your past is just spooking you.
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