A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am firmly in an anxious-avoidant type relationship (as the anxious one). It is often very difficult for me but I guess we have decided to stay together anyways. We are both aware of this dynamic between us, and it seems like we gradually get better at accommodating each other.Another factor that seems to make things so much worse, is that we are not able to see each other very often, and only for a few hours each time. This is partly due to the pandemic, partly due to her parent's religious views, and partly due to her avoidant side not really minding that we can't see each other often...We do stay in contact through text every day, and we video chat very often. She has pointed out many times that it feels like a long distance relationship and I agree.Aside from all that, we get along great, I feel excited to spend my life with her, and we hope to be married in a year from now.Her and I often talk about the future as if everything will suddenly be better once we are married. But from researching about anxious-avoidant relationships, it seems like these problems still exist for married couples that live together. It seems like being able to communicate face to face, and spend more time together would improve things a lot. But part of me is afraid that things will never get better...So, my question is, for anyone living with their partner in an anxious-avoidant type relationship, did living together help to improve the relationship?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 May 2021):
 I have to agree with WiseOwlE
You already worry that it won't work, because it probably won't. You are not compatible.
Building a "fantasy future" where everything is hunky-dory is futile. It's all talk and all fantasy.
You want something from her that she can't give. You expect her to be a certain way to compliment your own person. But that is not who she is.
WHO she is (and WHO you are) WILL not change magically when getting married or living together. You will not magically be a great fit.
ANY issues you two have needed to be worked out BEFORE jumping into marriage and living together. IF you can.
If you think her very religious upbringing has not shaped who she is and that it will change once you two are physically together, you are definitely wrong. It might not (and it might) shape the rest of her life. Just like people who grew up with hippy parents in communes are affected long term by that upbringing, albeit in different ways. She isn't going to "just" let go of her beliefs and way of thinking.
She is OK with minimal contact. Is that because she likes the IDEA (concept) of a BF but really doesn't WANT a relationship? She like the idea because she enjoys the interactions and the fantasy. The Reality is she is satisfied with short interactions with you, which doesn't interfere in her LIFE too much.
You call the relationship "an anxious-avoidant type relationship " That doesn't sound healthy. Because YOU (as the anxious one) will not automatically STOP being anxious and her (as the avoidant one) will NOT automatically STOP being avoidant.
If you two really think that you want a future together, THESE issues have to be sorted out BEFORE marriage, BEFORE living together. Perhaps some pre-marital counseling and individual counseling - might help the two of you. It might just BE that in reality you two are NOT as compatible as you hope.
Presuming that marriage fixes things is wrong. I can tell you that after 20+ years of marriage. Things that were an issue BEFORE marriage WILL be an issue after.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2021): I really meant to say:
"I gather she doesn't surrender herself fully, or express her feelings for you openly. Attempting to hold her as an emotional-captive by living with her, yet considering her "avoidant;" makes no sense at all."
P.S.
She's a person. You can't cage her like a bird; while you attempt to manipulate how you think she should be feeling towards you, or how she should express her feelings to suit you. If it's not all voluntary; maybe it's because those kind of feelings aren't there. Living together might erupt into fights and arguments. Trapping her behind walls with you might not solve this situation. I would even bet her religious and conservative-parents would not approve anyway. Not unless you're married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2021): What you've described is a textbook case of incompatability. Maybe even an infatuation that is being manipulated or exploited.
You've tagged the situation with some fancy name; but you and your partner simply get along, but you're not compatible. Moving-in together would make an "avoidant" individual feel trapped. Your anxiety comes from the insecurity of suspecting she's not as into you as you are into her. She may feel you're forcing things, or moving too fast.
Her conservative background may be a minor factor; but her lack of emotional-responsiveness may be an indication that her hesitation or distancing is because she's slowly friend-zoning you. She loves you, but she's not in-love with you. You're panicking, because she's not responding in the emotional-way you want and need her to.
Moving-in together is not something you do before you resolve your relationship issues. If you realize something is wrong, why would you force her to live with you? Meanwhile, you'll be hard at work, trying to force a romantic-connection that maybe she doesn't feel. It may be convenient and comforting for her to keep you as her boyfriend; because she knows you strongly care for her. I venture to speculate that the problem is that she doesn't feel the same for you, as you do for her. She won't admit that as the reason; but maybe she doesn't want to be alone either. Maybe she can't bear the thought of hurting your feelings.
You can't force people to love you. I gather she doesn't surrender herself fully, or express her feelings for your openly. Attempting to hold her as an emotional-captive by living with her, yet considering then "avoidant;" makes no sense at all. I guess you think separating/distancing her from the influences and clutches of her parents would improve yours? It's unlikely, if what I suspect is true. She has her own mind, opinions, and controls her own actions. She's an adult.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2021): Hi
I see one problem, the labels that people put on themselves and follow from a text book. You both, are unique individual human beings who were not born from a text book.
Yes, you may have adopted certain behaviour's that fit certain labels. You are not a tin of beans nor are you a bottle of sauce, you are you! and she is she. Stop been anxious and let go and just enjoy the discovery of love.
God made us in his image, and never labelled us, the world labelled us and we let it.
Write your own text books through living a fearless life that is happy to explore loves great adventures.
Good luck.
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