A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My partner is going back to the USA to be at his daughter's wedding. His ex wife will be there but he does not wnt me to go. He says we can't afford it and that it would be very uncomfortable as it is her territory (she will be with her partner). He says he is not looking forward to it. The ex lives with partner at the house he paid for and my partner got nothing from the divorce after being blackmailed by his daughters into giving the ex it all. There has been a lot of recrimination but he now speaks to her very nicely and in a friendly way on the phone. I have been with him during his whole grieving process about the ending of his 27 year marriage and it has tested me an awful lot. I know he loves me but believe me it is hard to support your partner while he is mourning the loss of another relationship without being hurt too. I have met all his kids and there is no problem (except my well concealed resentment that they stripped their father bare of everything he ever owned). I feel there is not a show of unity going on here that I would like. I am not sure whether he is ashamed of me, wants to protect me or is protecting his ex wife. I wish he would say "There is no way I am going without you and I would be proud to have you on my arm on that very important day". Whether or not we could actually afford it or whether I would want to go is another question. Sometimes in dark moments he accuses me of being insecure as though I should be ashamed of that, but I am not surprised that I am! I think I am sometimes insecure, but wouldn't need to be if only he would discuss these things openly and honestly with me instead of deciding them for himself and making me feel I am intruding. I feel childish,I get very resentful and find myself being nasty to him whilst feeling bad about myself and wishing I could do better.Anyone else had this type if divorce issue? I am having coaching in communication skills but today they have broken and I feel depressed.
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depressed, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all of you. I have met his daughters and all family including parents and get on fine so the only one I have not is his ex wife. She will be there with her partner.
A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (26 December 2008):
 He is trying to avoid misery for you and for everyone else.
In my family, people fall over each other to be considerate. Let's assume that's happening here. He may worry that his kids may lash out at you on the big day, hurting you. You might go, but I imagine you'd feel a bit uncomfortable too. The ex would be uncomfortable...etc,...It's better, truly, for you to stay back. You won't be missing anything at all except the nerve-wracking experience of having to be in the same room with a bunch of easily offended and enormously nervous people.
Stay wise!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 December 2008):
 From my experience, the first thing to deal with is resentment. It builds until you explode.
Is it true you can't afford to go?
He should have discussed this with you. You're correct about that.
Mourning the marriage. That's understandable. How did it end.
They stripped him of everything. Possible, but you do have a bit of a jaded view.
It is not the day to be making big statements. So, while you may want to be there, it sounds like you have a point to prove. It is his daughters wedding, not a sword fight.
You do have a point though. It is inconsiderate of him to make these plans without your input. At least that way you'd feel you were responsible for making your own choice.
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