A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been interested in a guy who I like very much, yet the feeling is not mutual. I recently found out he has a girlfriend and she has pictures of them together doing all these amazing things, meeting family, going on trips; I want to have what she has; she seems so happy and lucky to be with such a great guy. I sometimes fantasize what it would be like if that were me and I end up crying.The pain of seeing this fuels me even more to want to get better at dating, yet getting back out there scares me because I don't know if I'll meet anyone that I will like again. I'm not picky, but it takes a while for me to meet a guy I get excited about. I haven't been that great at dating, so I've been trying to get better over the years, yet I'm so scared of ending up alone. Anyone have any stories of starting out like me? Scared, hopeless, bad at dating, and constantly trying? I just want a little bit of hope and not feel like such an outsider. I want to believe that one day I'll be able to have what she has.
View related questions:
has a girlfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thanks for your thoughtful and caring answer, Wise Owl. I definitely am glad to have gotten some kind of reassurance and am glad that someone understands how I feel. God bless and keep being awesome!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2017): What WiseOwlE said!
WOW
:)
You must be a professional, if not, you're gifted with wisdom and a heart for people. That was awesome!
OP, say Thank You.
Anonymous EJ
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2017): I guess we are all guilty of envy based on comparing our lives and accomplishments to those of others. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but it could also be AstroTurf! There is sometimes a man behind the curtain; and he doesn't have the powers to change your life or make it better! You were born with a heart and brains! Now grow some courage! (Wizard of Oz reference, Google it!)
Some of us will find love fresh from the starting-gate. Then the majority of us will have to spend a vast part of our lives searching and going through the process of weeding and selection for the best match. I could sit down with a bottle of wine and tell you stories to curl your hair, or change the color. Dating takes effort. The pool seems shallow. I feel you on that!
Is anything easily found really of much value?
Keep your mind on your on your own path through life. Let other people find and enjoy their blessings when they come to them. That doesn't mean you will not receive yours. They may be stacking-up in heaven; but you've put a cork in it with your self-pity and jealousy. Get a grip, girl! It just isn't your time yet. Lets swap! I'd love to be 26-29, or maybe not! You make it sound bad. I don't remember it that way. That's just me. I do remember what dating over 40 is like. Can we talk?
Things always look better from the outside, and envy or jealously certainly has a way of enhancing or creating a better picture than may actually be the case. Read all the unhappy and unfortunate posts that we receive from people married, or already in long-term relationships. Sometimes we have to wait, seek, and fail. There is much to learn from that. It's the benefit of experience, and you value things more when it takes time and deliberate effort to obtain them. You also get to bypass the duds and duck the bullets.
Being single comes before a relationship. It is the time for maturing,and meeting your educational and professional goals. Establishing your self financially, and learning to survive all by yourself. Without your parents.
Through serial-dating (or sparse pickings) and the process of elimination; we learn about love, personalities, and life through trial and error. You prepare. Not only for meeting our match, but we need tools of survival. We need something to bring to the table, and experience never hurts. Just jumping in feet-first and being able to change your relationship-status on Facebook ain't always a honeymoon in Paris. There's drama, disagreements, a battle of wills, challenges, betrayal, and maintaining the flame that burns in passion. Living drama-free was good for me. Even though having a guy was good. I did enjoy being single. Once I realized that I was just as happy without, as with a guy.
My happiness depended on me and my will to pursue it. Not once I had someone around to label boyfriend or husband.
Who wants some sad-sack pity-partier for a mate anyway?
Singleness allows you to define and discover who you are. You learn your potential, or should be trying. If you're looking for someone to lean on and you can't see yourself as complete; then you need more work. Love finds you, you don't find love. You can't order it on Amazon, you can't get it on demand, and you can go to all the dating-sites you like.
It happens when it happens. So you live it up until it does.
I never really felt woe is me, I'm too much of a fighter. I feel pain and loneliness like anybody else. I've learned to live though the drought.
You can find a lot of likely candidates, but that chemistry isn't happening until it's your time. Dating may be a chore for the impatient, but deliberate and decisive searching yields the best results. Yeah, I know all about the clock ticking for pushing-out babies; but everyone isn't cutout for motherhood. Read the posts. All guys aren't cutout to be dads. Just because he can produce sperm. So you gotta live until that comes your way. I wasn't talking about the sperm.
If you're looking for a good match, it takes time and effort. You must enjoy dating; because sometimes people you meet are only meant to spend a limited amount of time to touch your life, or teach you something about it. They may not remain, or there may be long lulls between meeting people. So fill it constructively. It doesn't rain everyday, yet flowers have to wait it out before blooming. They can't force it to happen; but they manage by either growing longer roots, or be weak and wither. Be glad you're human! You have options.
You have to be optimistic, visible, and very positive. You have to also have an ample supply of self-love. You've got to really be your own best friend and be able to survive on your own; because life offers no guarantees.
What do I mean by all this? Well, you can have a man around the house; sitting at your table and lying in your bed, who doesn't give a flying rat's pa-tootie how your day went. Or, bossing you around; because he's got testicles and you don't. Maybe he doesn't care if you get an orgasm when you have sex. Yet, you can still tell everybody you gotta man!
This is what's really going on behind the scenes; you just see the hand-holding and pushing baby-strollers. The proverbial Hallmark Card perception many want you to have.
He may be Mr. Hot-stuff when you first meet. With the flowers and sweet-talk, big bulge, and fantastic sex. Then become a lazy good-for-nothing philanderer three years-in, and a baby-and-a-half later.
Don't you go to lunch or have a girl's night out, and listen? Don't you sit and eavesdrop in the break-room at work? They got major man-problems, and you think you're unfortunate?!! You'll find one, and you'll be singing a different tune, my sweet. Soon enough! ;)
You have to embrace your singleness and bide your time. You will get your chance at love, but it's not going to always be enchanting like the movies. You must enjoy having your options open. To date for fun, to meet a variety of male-kind, to see what fits your personality and values best. Even if you meet a total dick, he will teach you what to avoid; and how to survive a challenge. All men aren't bad, and they ain't all good either, girlfriend!
All this self-pity and hopelessness is what you're telling yourself; while killing your self-confidence. Yeah, you've got to kiss a few frogs, and you also have to survive the dry-spells. I'm saying this because after I lost the one I loved for 28 years, it took a whopping 7 more to find the jewel I've got beside me right now. I wrote articles about getting dumped and my slow crawl back after a brief relationship that cold-cocked me, and broke my heart. Love found me again when I just went about life, and being thankful for the joys of my loving family, friends, and neighbors. My most loyal colleagues, and even my bosses!
Patience, sweetie, patience! Get out there, be visible, and enjoy your youth! Do the things motherhood or a long-term commitment will deny you. Enjoy freedom, and your romantic opportunities will find you. Count even the smallest of blessings, and realize that you've got a chance as long as you're strong and keep a positive-attitude. A sour-puss isn't pretty even with make-up!
Pessimism is just another world for self-defeat. Just because things don't happen instantly, or your sense of entitlement tells you that you must have it all now; doesn't mean you're ready for it.
Sometimes that is the very reason some blessings are delayed, sweetheart. We can paint you rosy pictures, but life will still clarify things with reality. See life as a gift, do good by others, and do good things for yourself. Love is your reward, and the side-effect/by-product of appreciating who your are, and what you already have.
Don't spend all your time looking at artful window-dressing and pretense, thinking that's the complete reality of relationships. There are billions of men on this planet, the odds of getting one is in your favor. The ease of getting one depends on what you're willing to settle for.
There now, sweetheart. I wrote this novel just for you. Hugs and kisses!
...............................
|
