A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for just over a year. We have been trying for a baby for almost 3 years in total, but since we've been married, its been constant every month. I had a miscarriage 6 months into the marriage, and I haven't become pregnant again since. We don't make love anymore, we just 'have sex' predominantly to make a baby - its timed just right so that we do it around ovulation. Sometimes I have to force myself and just go through the motions because we both want a family so much.Anyway, its not the first time, but last night HE couldn't do it. We had a bit of an argument, and he said he doesnt know if I love him for HIM anymore. And it got me thinking... I don't know how I feel anymore. I've been so caught up in planning this baby that I don't know if I do feel like I once did about him anymore.I can't speak to him about it cus it'll cause an argument, and upset us both. I just feel like I want to break free and live again without having to worry. (he has a low sperm count and he keeps saying sorry as its his fault we're not getting pregnant, and I cant respond because I have nothing positive to say - I secretly hold it against him)I just don't know what to do. I do love him, but I just don't know if its enough anymore. Any other man could give me a baby so I sometimes wonder why I'm sticking with him?Please helpx
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male
reader, toddybad +, writes (12 November 2008):
You really need to step back a moment.You obviously are desperate to have a child. And a miscarriage is a terrible thing which will have done enormous damage to your mental state - whether you have allowed yourself to recognise this or not. But! Your husband is not a baby making machine. He obviously loves you to have married you. And presumably you love him and i think from the way you sound this isnt actually what this is about - you cant just treat sex as trying to have a baby. it is a beautiful thing between lovers that takes us to the next level together. yes you want a baby and the fact you were pregnant before shows he doesnt have a problem there but you really need to find the love again before trying to make this happen or what are you bringing a child into?i would suggest you take some time off work and go away. dont even think of babies - look to find some love again and what you fell for in the first place without presurising the poor guy which it sounds like you are doing. once you find what you had before then just make love - be lovers and youll suddenly one day find that you're pregnant again and it will be the right time.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Sounds to me, honey, like you're treating your husband as a baby-making machine. If so, why did you marry him? If you're just fixated on getting pregnant, I'm not surprised if he's feeling argumentative - he probably feels that he's no longer 'good enough' for the girl he's agreed to spend the rest of his life with. And after just one year!Take the pressure off and start paying more attention to the reason you married him. If it was just to give you a child, I think you ought to have a long think about what marriage is about.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Two words...Dirty Weekend.Do you have any idea how many kids are conceived on the sands of nice beach, or the back seat of a Chevy?I have a cousin who'se wife was having trouble conceiving. They spent thousands on IVF to no avail.In the end they went on a holiday and passion must have engulfed them for once without thought of conceiving. Just passion and love and desire.And nine months later their first child together was born.So try not trying so hard. Remember all it takes ia a single sperm to get you knocked up.If it still doesn't work... there is always adoption. Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, staceyxxx +, writes (12 November 2008):
 i am only 18 and i cant say i have experienced this but if it helps i know a very lovely couple who had been married for over 10 years. the day before they got married the man went out fishing and had a accident sadly, but at first the woman was so upset because she couldn't wait to start a family. the thing she didn't think of was her new husband and she never stopped to think how he felt, so you can imagine how their first months for maybe year was of there marriage, but now they couldn't be happier they have enjoyed watching there brothers and sisters having children but they would never change one thing they love each other very much.so i dont know if that will help i just though that it could let you no another persons story, but always remember its your life and you have to live it.i hope this helps a little bit good luck :)
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (12 November 2008):
 Hello my darling,
This post made me really sad for you. I'm sad for your loss - a miscarriage must have been really hard for the both of you to deal with. I'm also sad for your marriage - it seems to have been reduced to needing to reproduce and nothing else.
You want a family, but a family starts with you two. You guys need to re-amp your relationship and make sure that should you get blessed with a child, the child will come into a happy, solid home. Putting all this pressure on your bodies can't be doing any good for your stress levels, intimacy and relationship. I'm sure all that stress isn't helping you get pregnant faster (all though that's not science talking, that's just India's sense talking).
If you are simply looking for any ol' fella to get you knocked up, there are sperm banks all over the place!! You and your husband can go together... make it a little shopping adventure.
I hate to hear of you blaming your husband for having a low sperm count. Even though you don't say it out loud to him, it is still heartbreaking. He is as torn up about it as you, probably worse. You married him for HIM, not his bodily functions, so I think you need to reconnect on a romantic, personal basis again.
You two are probably more than familiar with your physical relationship, but I think that your emotional relationship needs a LOT of rebuilding. I know the stress of getting pregnant can wreak havoc, but I think you both owe it to your marriage to work hard on enjoying each other as partners, not sperm and egg receptacles. Counseling, perhaps?
Good luck, my darling!
xx India
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Don't hold it against him because it's hardly something he would choose. He obviously feels guilty and you need to support him and help him realise that it's not his fault.
You need some time just together. Forget the baby for just a week. Make special arrangements to do things with him, and you'll soon see whether you appreciate his company or not. You are both tense and this can prevent conception so you need to relax and not think about the baby for one moment.
If all else fails then you have three options:
IVF
Sperm Donor
Adoption
You can still have children somehow, and always remember - you don't have to be a father to be a dad.
Good luck. Just concentrate on the relationship between the two of you alone for a time and see how it goes.
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