A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend broke up about 2 months ago now and I still think about it every single day. It ended really badly where I knew there were issues I was willing to work on and he wasn't ready to take any blame on his side. He was happy to say it was all down to my apparent trust issues.I panicked when he said he wanted to end it and I regret being so emotional about it but I didn't get closure and honestly just didn't handle it in a self respectful way really. I just felt so abandoned and alone and it happened so quick whilst he was being abusive, telling me to f*** off I text and told him I wanted a bit of support. Anyway- there's the context in a nutshell. What i'm really wanting to know is if any of you guys have any good coping mechanisms to move on? Most days, i'd say 65% of me feels good about the breakup but then there's times of course because it's still fresh I feel like picking up the phone and asking for him back.I'm in a much better place now already, have moved out and feel good, but I really don't know how to get myself out of that dark, sinking feeling when I think about what could have been, how fantastic he was for the first year and god I just want that guy back.Anyone have any good advice for this please? I have a lot of friends i can talk to about it, it's more just when i'm by myself and my mind is taking that dark turn, i'm sure we've all been there!Thanks,
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): Optimism can work both for and against you. You had every reason to believe that he was the one; based on what you knew at the time.
You wanted to trust him, you took that leap, and that is required in order to love him.
Our insecurities and doubts start to rise to the surface, even when we trust people. That's due to our natural-instincts, self-preservation, and our built-in defense systems speaking to us. It's common-sense to listen to these warnings; but it's insecurity when they start to amplify into trust-issues. You tone them down, but you don't turn them completely off. You need some objectivity.
The only way to hush the doubt and insecurity is to make affirmations to yourself; and to repeat to yourself "this is real, and this has to be what I'm looking for." I can attest to this; because it's what I did when I really fell for a guy, who subsequently dumped me. I had to do this to open myself to the possibilities; because of a prior emotional-shutdown, following the death of my long-time lover and companion. I wouldn't date, and was celibate for over a year. This guy was so nice, and attractive! I decided to give it a go.
After all it took for me to convince myself to take a risk. Without a fight, or a disagreement, and for no apparent reason...ten months later, he dumped me! What was I to do or think? I didn't know why so out of the blue this happened??? So I had to undo all the programming it took to open myself up to this guy in the first-place!
You can't allow yourself to get carried-away with too much wishful-thinking or romanticizing; because it will make you blind to reality, or bend it somewhat. You will block-out red-flags. That in itself, will sometimes make you bury yourself in-denial. In order to see what you want to see, and hear what you want to hear. Who doesn't want to be in-love? You want things to be perfect. Right? So you go deep!
I'm coming across as repetitious; but recovery takes time, and determination. Unconvincing myself was tougher than convincing myself to let him in; because he did so much to justify those feelings. He was generous, funny, spontaneous, and very romantic. I found some really spooky stuff by accident. I left my sunglasses in his glove compartment in his car the day before. I went back for them. I couldn't believe what I saw. I just blocked it out! That was at least three months before he dumped me. I don't mind using the word "dump;" because it helped me to recover. I've found someone wonderful; and it has been five years now! So I'm good!
Push yourself, and stop caving-in to your emotions. You have to be sensible, level-headed, strong, and mature. Only the strong survive. Don't let that be him, and not you! I'm living-proof, that's why I jumped on your post. I've been where you are. I like helping people to move past their heart-ache.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, so just an update I wanted to say a big Thankyou for all of you advice and support, it means the world to me.
Maybe just a bit extra advice as you've all been so helpful- I think a big part of why I'm finding it so hard to move on is because I keep thinking he was the one and we were meant for each other. How can I stop thinking this apart from knowing we split up so obviously we weren't? Has anyone got some rationalisation to get me out of this kind of thinking?
Thanks!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2018): I found that in order to sucessfully move on, you need two things: 1. You need to be ready. Many times, we find it super difficult or we go back to our ex because we are not yet mentally abd amotionally ready. Once you've accepted that this relationship can no longer move forward and you are ready to let go, you will let it go.2. Distraction. You'll need distraction, a lot of distraction and keeping yourself busy. School, work, friends, out of the State or Country vacations, and - something I recently discovered, playing online games. I rarely play online games, but recently I've been going through a breakup myself and lost my job at the same time, hence no money to travel. I saw my two cousins playing [video game]) and I became addicted! Most importantly it takes my mind off of the ex.. when he calls I don't even want to pick up the phone because I'm so busy on the computer!Good luck!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (29 July 2018):
 Start by removing him and anything else that could bring his name up on social media e.g friends accounts, tagged photos etc. Get absolutely all social media out of the way and block all accounts so he can’t contact you either.
The best thing to do is keep busy. Either get your head down at work, start/push yourself further in the gym or find a new hobby. Ask for overtime at work if it’s available, the more time your mind is occupied then the less likely you are to be sat dwelling on the breakup. Work harder to achieve the physique you want in the gym, set yourself some goals to focus on and increase your self confidence for putting yourself back out into the dating world.
Finally, just keep reminding yourself that this is for the best. I think the majority of people on this website will have been through a breakup or some kind of ending to a situation they’re in and there’s no denying that it’s shit. It hurts to know you’re moving forwards without someone in your life that you thought would be there. But that very fact shows that the person in question wasn’t right for you or the breakup wouldn’t of happened. You have surely learnt some things from that relationship and you can take them into the future with you so that the same problems won’t arrive in the next experience that you have.
Just give it time, it’s super clichè but it’s true. You’ll get there, we all move on at different speeds but you’ll make it at some point and you’ll meet someone that makes it worth it and you’ll understand why it didn’t work out with the ex.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 July 2018):
 Oh sweetheart, it takes time to get over someone, even when you KNOW it was the right thing. You have the added element of shock in the mix, which won't help as you didn't have any time to prepare yourself for the end of your relationship.
You are not only mourning the loss of a partner who was "fantastic" during the honeymoon period but also the end of all the hopes and dreams you two shared. You are not going to get over that in the blink of an eye.
When you feel yourself starting to get melancholy, try distracting yourself. Phone friends and talk about anything except your ex. Take up a sport and throw yourself into it. Take up a new hobby and concentrate on that. Whatever works for you.
Also realize that your ex was on his best behaviour during the first year of your relationship. Eventually everyone will show their true colours, which he did to the detriment of your relationship. However, unlike you, he was not willing to take any responsibility or put in any effort to make things right, preferring instead to put the blame 100% at your door and to end the relationship. Be grateful you found out fairly early on what he was really like. Imagine trying to make a relationship work long-term with someone who refused to take any responsibility for anything going wrong. You dodged a bullet there, girl, and you sound smart enough to eventually be grateful for that.
Also, be honest with yourself and admit if you do have serious trust issues which may affect future relationships. If you do, then this is something you need to work on before you get involved with anyone else.
Wish you all the best. You WILL get past this. Hang in there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2018): Its tough. It's gonna suck but you'll be ok.
Do things for yourself, My big break up catapulted me to go back to school and I ended up finishing my masters! All because of him lol Sort of.
Take classes, climb mountains, do karate. Learn a new language. VOLUNTEER!
Anything to get out of your head.
Find support groups if it's too bad. There are things out there, just look.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2018): Recovery and detachment takes time. I know people in their twenties live in an instant, lightning-fast, digital-world; but emotions take time to heal. Push them, and they push-back with frustration!
Closure is an over-used, or maybe misused word. It is never meant in the true dictionary definition. There is an emotional-interpretation that means you want to be convinced to let-go, given time to plead your case, and more time to change his mind. You want enough time to display every emotion you can that may affect his feelings. Seeking pity!
The best closure is home-made. Letting your own mind reach the conclusion why it's best to let-go. Sorting-out your own feelings; on your own time-table, and in your own terms. That's what I did. That's how you rebuild your strength.
If being by yourself is so difficult; then that means you need to explore and exercise your independence. You've become too dependent, clingy; and thus, insecure. Therefore, you'll smother people to death, and hang-on like a parasite. That's annoying and exhausting. Being emotional is also manipulative. People have to cave-in to bring you out of a tantrum, or stop the stomach-churning dramatics.
Everyone has insecurities. As adults, we have to manage and control them; so they will not control us. If we let them control us, we make even the most loving-people tired of dancing around them. They get tired of designing or edging the relationship around your self-centered childishness.
Give yourself time, but use the time constructively. Focus on your career or education. If you work, become more productive and precise. Be creative and inventive.
Throwaway or stash all your reminders or keepsakes lying around your house or apartment. Put-away stuff that reminds you of him. Don't play sad-songs, or watch those animal rescue commercials with starving kittens and battered-dogs with sad-eyes. They tore me up!
DO NOT STALK HIM ON SOCIAL MEDIA. DELETE AND BLOCK HIS PHONE NUMBER. DELETE HIS TEXT MESSAGES. DO NOT DRUNK-TEXT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
DO NOT ALLOW BOOTY-CALLS! The post-breakup sex is great; but he'll leave feeling sorry he did it. He will not change his mind. He will avoid your contact with a vengeance!
Tell mutual-friends to keep their gossip or headline news about him to themselves. Avoid places you know he'll hangout. If you run into him on the street; look-away, and keep going. You're not ready for an encounter; if you still have emotional-relapses. No drunken pity-parties in public. Stay home if you want to get sauced. NO DRUGS! It will only make you more depressed when you come-down from the high.
Ghost yourself on your social media accounts for at least a month; so you won't be tempted to snoop; or give him the opportunity to check and see if you're still broken-up over him. Not because he's concerned; but making sure you're not already wrapped in the arms of another guy. It's about his ego, not his heart, in this case.
You can fantasize about all the psycho-girlfriend tactics you like; but be sure to have plenty of bail-money on-hand if you're going to be stupid.
Let your emotions flow, and then stop. Teach yourself to compose yourself and snap-out of it. Being emotional has its time and place; but self-pity serves no purpose. People will get tired of feeling sorry for you, they will get tired of your whining, and you will get tired of yourself. I know this; because I've been there, and I've done that, sweetheart!
In the end, you gain strength, you will have wisdom based on your experience, and you will start to seek more independence. You must learn that you can't lean on men to give you strength. You have to have your own in order to survive. Nobody cares about your baggage; so if you go jump into another relationship; prepare to be dumped, because no guy wants to be punished for what he or any other ex did to you.
You will do just fine, my dear. I promise! You can't fast-forward life. Time moves swiftly; but pain slows it down.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 July 2018):
 Give it time. Closure usually comes from within yourself and acceptance of the situation, emotions, the need to gradually let go, etc.- Pick up a new hobby- Find places you can go (safely) by yourself when lonely- Find YouTube videos or music that cheer you up- Meditate.listen to positive affirmations- Exercise (find one you enjoy - try different things)- Learn new skills- Rebuild your personal goals that won't change when you're not single any more- Join a discussion/friendship group, even if it's just a fortnightly coffee meet up to chat with peopleThere are things out there to help, it just needs patience overall. It's still raw and that's okay. Just remember to enrich your life again.
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