A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Two years ago I started dating a man who is a single father. I have no children. He has full custody of his now 16yr old daughter and one year ago, found out he is also the father of a two year old son. (The mother located him 1.5yrs after the child was born with a DNA request)When we first met everything was smooth, his daughter who was 14 at the time was away visiting family for the summer, and I didn't know that his son existed. The two of us were like peas in a pod, we hung out, and we spent days/nights together, we went out; we did everything new couples that are fascinated with each other do. There was no mention of “I might have another child out there” and even no discussion about his teenage daughter as she relates to me. He expressed how much he really liked me, and how he could see a future with me, and expressed to his family and friends what his feelings were. I did the same. Months down the road, he quits his job that he had when we first met, he obtained a new job (with more demanding duties and crazy hours), he finds out that he has a son he didn't know about, and his daughter starts challenging him more with her behavior and school. The demands of work, and the kids and all that is involved took a huge toll on our relationship and when I starting asking him to spend more time with me, more dates, more communication, etc... He told me he was "dealing with a full plate", "didn't have the money/time to date me", and I need to “stop nagging”, etc...Due to the feelings I had for him, and the time vested in the relationship, all that we had talked about, etc… I still tried to hang in there. We still slept together, we still had our moments of togetherness, but the overall tone of the relationship faded. He was having more money problems, got fired from this new job, more teenage daughter problems, and still getting in the groove of having his son in his life constantly now. As time went on, I had a hard time coping with the fact that he made very minimal time for me. He didn’t bother to include me in helping him with any of his situations, he stopped communicating as much, he claimed I nagged him about spending time with me, and that he didn’t want or have time for a girlfriend right now. It’s almost like he was hiding everything from me. He said he’s focused on his kids and getting his life together. He can’t afford to just be with me. My thoughts are if you like me and you’ve been dealing with me for over a year, why not make the effort to bring it together and try? I’m not the enemy. During the latest and final blowout we had a couple of days ago; he stated that “he cannot move forward in the future with a woman who can’t accept his kids”. I will admit that I do not necessarily believe in men randomly having children out of wedlock all over the place with multiple women, or unruly teenagers, or women “finding” men years later to say “surprise here’s your baby”. I feel strongly about these things but it’s not that I do not accept his children. I love him and would do whatever to make it work but he didn’t compromise and meet me half way. He says “a real woman would understand his situation, and accept his kids, and let him get his life together”. I thought that’s what I’ve been doing? I’ve decided to just plain out go no contact. Any chance that he’ll come back around? What did I do wrong in the situation?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 I'm not sure that you specifically did anything wrong. I think it really sounds like a situation where, when you first met, he was looking for a relationship, however all these roadblocks in his life have presented themselves, and he's really struggling with how to deal with them.I think you tried to help in the best way you could, but it just wasn't what he was looking for right now.You can't really blame yourself. I think do just have to give some distance right now. There may be a chance that he comes back around, but at this point i think he's made it clear that currently he's not looking for a relationship. I think i would suggest you go out and live your life and don't just wait around for him, know what i mean?
|
