A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I find myself in a bad situation, the classic casual hook up turned messy. I am seeing a younger man casually (I didnt think there was a future in it because of the age difference) and now I am having the usual problems associated with this situation. I like him now as we have been sleeping together and he, being a young guy, doesnt seem to be too enamoured by me, well not as much I am with him. I know he likes me but I initiate most of the contact and I really feel like its time I took back some control in this situation. Right now I am not contacting him as I feel like he needs to respect me more. I have no idea if he will contact me as my last message to him was a bit cross.I know this in not an ideal situation but I am trying to deal with it as best I can.Any advice on regaining some sort of power? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): I do not want to sound insensitive to you but have you not thought that you may be a bit to needy for him. You knew there was no future in it so let it go because it is getting the better of you. Most men will run at the first sign of desperation, regardless of age.
I am lucky and have never had this problem because I am young age and I dont do fwb. I refuse to be used like that.
Although you do not know it, you have used him to boost your self esteem and ended up worse.
End it because there is no future in it. And please dont say you are happy with it casual, because you are not. You are just taking what is on offer.
Block him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 October 2013):
 The best advice I can give you to regain YOUR POWER is not take his call IF He calls you.
The ONLY way you will regain your self-respect and a sense of stability is to end this FWB with a man (age irrelevant) who is NOT THAT INTO YOU.
Walk away now with your head high and don't contact him.
IF he calls you, do not agree to meet him at the last minute and do NOT have sex with him. Then he will stop calling and your problem is solved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): You are involved and he isnt/doesnt seem to be. You are not in any position to have power.
I would`nt advise playing games in your present situation, because it may backfire on you. The best thing all round is to end it, and stop throwing yourself at younger men.
Has he ever introduced you to his mother? Does he take you out and show you in public and to his friends? If the answer is no to any of them then you are getting used big time.
If you cannot stand the heat, then leave the kitchen.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (1 October 2013):
 Regardless of whether you are able to tip the balance and regain the "power" you're looking for, I don't see this ending how you'd like it to.You want something other than sex from a liaison that was and is exclusively aimed at sex. But not only does your partner not desire commitment, he's at a totally different stage in his life. So even if he felt emotionally ready for a formal relationship with you, there would be major issues for the two of you to contend with.Not contacting him will accomplish one of two things: either he'll pursue you, or he'll move on. Given that the arrangement you have is JUST about convenient sex, there's a good chance he'll lose interest further when even the sex is no longer convenient. I would take this experience as a valuable insight into what you actually do want in a partner and a relationship, and continue looking for the right someone who fulfills both. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 October 2013):
 i hate condoning game playing, but if you want to regain some power, wait for him to contact you. and if he does, make plans, and then cancel at the last minute without explanation. then stop answering his calls and texts immediately. if he calls, send it to voicemail and call him back hours or a day later. if he texts, wait hours before responding. if he tries to make plans with you, tell him you may be busy that day and you'll get back to him. the more you leave someone guessing, the more power you begin to gain. as long as he knows he has you, the more he won't want you. but if you make him chase you - you'll have him in the palm of your hand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): it is not power or control of the situation that you need. it is power and control of yourself. stop the casual hook up thing now. it does not work for you. you are going to end up either hurt or embarrassed or both if you dont.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (1 October 2013):
 This is a typical fwb question that is worded differently, probably to dodge hearing what you dont want to hear.
Giving sex freely does not earn you respect.
He is the one with the power. He`s young, free, and unattached.
Youre not cut out for fwb type relationship. The best thing is you get out of it now, before it gets even worse for you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 October 2013):
 Does the word "power" mean that you have the upper hand and that he conforms to your wishes?
Here's what I was told at a young age. The one who can walk away without looking back is the one with the power.
Walk away, if he tries to follow you, then you have established you are the one with the "power." If he does not, then you are rid of an annoying young man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): For you to regain so called power is nessesesary for Him to feel something for you. And it seems like he just lazily agrees to having sex with you when you call.
It would be ok if you were ok with the situation. Some women just like to have sex with younger body if they don't have to pay for it. But when you are trying to attach feelings to this situation nothing but frustration it will cause. This situation with younger lover is very classical, as you said it yourself. The only way to keep it under control is for you feel nothing toward him but sex. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 October 2013):
 You can't ("regain power").....
You've put out for him.... so he's gotten all that he wanted.... AND WILL get more from you (as long as you acquiesce to be a tart for him!!!!).....
IF you want to change the dynamics of this situation, you have to "dump" him.... and stay away for a matter of WEEKS (minimum)..... After that, you might check to see if you and he can ressurrect a "relationship" that has some sort of balance....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (30 September 2013):
I'm sorry but to have power over someone means that this is not a caring, loving, and respectful relationship.
You sound like an intelligent lady. Move forward and be honest with yourself and your needs. This guy is looking at you for a booty call. You are suppling his needs for casual sex.
You have the POWER, respect who you are and get what you want. He is NOT it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): "Any advice on regaining some sort of power?"
Make yourself a lot younger or a lot richer.
The usual May-December dynamic is one party exchanging youth for money and the other exchanging money for the illusion of youth. Sorry, but if you don't have the means to keep a younger man in a style to which he could become accustomed, then he has all the power as it would be a lot easier for him to find another woman of any age willing to hook up with him than it would be for you to find another man of any age willing to hook up with you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 September 2013):
 There is no power in a casual relationship - that is part of the attraction (for some) no responsibilities, no expectations, no demands, no power.
So, not really. But if you are starting to develop feelings and they are not reciprocated maybe it's time to stop being casual? If he doesn't want more then casual, then maybe the "relationship" has come to an end.
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