A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 40+ and have been with the same man for 11.5 years. We have had our ups and downs. We have 5 kids between us and the relationship he has with my 19 year old son is terrible. He doesn't live with us any more. Back in the Spring my son acted up but I was in the middle of a move to Ft. Lauderdale to relocate my daughter there.I feel at times that my guy lied on my son but he kept threatening me that he was going to call the police and called anywhere from 5-15 times per day. I then asked his uncle to pick him up and he has not been back since. Jealousy of my daughter? He has always been jealous. I should have left this man a long time ago but I do love him.But life is dwindling on down and even though I consider myself attractive, keep myself in good shape, I feel like I cannot live without this man. Co-dependent on him? probably.I feel like I have chosen him over my kids in some ways and I do think he harbors jealousy towards mine and the relationship I have with them.This is the main reason I am writing this. My Son came and spent Christmas Eve and Christmas night. He knew that (My boyfriend) that my Son was going to spend the night however, after a very fun day, a little too much wine and a horrible rain falling outside, I wanted my Son to stay another night and leave today.What he did is still leaving me astounded. He said that I didn't "ask" him if he could stay another night and stated I lied to him which was not my intention. This is our house and I should not have to "ask" his permission for my kids to stay here period. He took a wonderful Christmas for me and squashed it.I am so devastated and have cried on and off all day. I have got to save money and leave him. It has scared the hell out of me but I feel I need to do it.Any advice?
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 December 2009):
 I should have left this man a long time ago but I do love him.
The doctor told me to stop smoking or I will life the rest of my life with unhappiness but I love smoking so much.
What is different here? Would you say that a sensible person would give up smoking? Then why not give up this guy? What is the difference?
If you follow this site, you get a LOT of posts like yours that contain that most poisonous sentence of all "but I love him so much". At least your posts contains some bits of self-reflection, the starting realization that "but I love him so much" is followed by " and this just ain't enough".
Sometimes in live you got to accept that happiness is hard to obtain and you got to settle for not being unhappy.
You cannot live without this man. Come on. You are old, surely you don't believe that if you leave him you would die. Oh, you don't mean that. So, you then believe that if you leave him you will never smile again, not even at your sons wedding, the sight of your grandchildren? No? Then what do you mean that you can't live without him?
Need his cock? They sell dildo's. Need a man to sleep next to... get a dog. At least you can kick them out when they snore.
The point is simple, you got two choices, with or without this guy. And live without him MIGHT not be much better, but there is always the chance that it will be. But live WITH him has not improved at all in all these years.
So, you got a choice between being alone with a small chance of greater happiness and being with him and everything going the same.
And say that in a couple of years your son had kids and you then have to ask your man permission to see your grandchildren. Is that happiness?
Sometimes you got to accept that love just ain't enough anymore. End this as soon as possible, before you are trapped even further, because changing your own life, taking charge of your own happiness is very hard to do and there is always the temptation to think "well, maybe things will change this time".
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (27 December 2009):
This is a difficult one, because with the first incident you were not there. In my opinion, if you have NO other problems other than the fact that he doesnt get along with your son, then you might be able to work things out. Your son at 19 is an adult. If he was younger and lived with you thats different but at his age he is going to have his own family soon so you don't have to sacrifice an otherwise good marriage. In future, I would recommend that if your husband doesnt like him coming over to stay, then you leave your house to go visit your son for a few days instead. Perhaps your husband will miss you next Christmas and will think twice before making unrealistic rules. Maybe he can visit his kids while you visit yours. Maybe your son did disrespect your husband when you left them alone so your husband is still hurt. Try see it from his point of view. At the same time, never abandon your children even if they are terrors; just find a way to make things work out for everybody. Oh and when his kids come over, be gracious to them to show him your willingness to accept even if he won't accept yours.
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