A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Any advice in dealing with tricky in laws. Looking for advice in relation to my partners parents.I don't know if it's just me that is over thinking this situation with them, but it's affecting me as a person and I feel my partner is picking up on it and being distant and standoffish with me this last few days.Firstly I love my partner and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him up to a point.His parents to me are just plain weird and overbearing and I'm sick fed up off them, and the merry dance my partner has around them.I have been with him 3 years, and there is a age gap, I am older, I've been married and had children, they are grown up now.I moved to be with my partner, and together we have built up a home. He owns it and did it all up and we moved in together to live in it.I made it into a home, his parents live round the corner, like a 2 minute walk away.His dad doesn't keep well, but is always flying around in his car, yet he rarely visits, probably twice a year, my partner always has to go round to theirs.He always goes to there's on birthdays mothers day etc, but he's been pushy with me to visit with him but I get the feeling I'm not welcome, and I end up sitting there rigid and I stutter when I talk.its never happened with anyone else else, I've always gotten on with ex folks. They don't seem interested in my family, they don't even know my kids names. When we met his mother had to lie down, because she told me I was not what they were expecting for their son to live with a woman who was older by 12 years with kids.I did reassure her that I had no intentions of hurting him and that I would take care of him.His father wanted nothing to do with me, I wasn't welcome the first xmas he met me, so I spent it on my own, as I'd not long stayed here. I couldn't get home because it's hundreds of miles away. We were due to go around for a drink at new year, but his mum rang to cancel as his dad wouldn't accept me.I plodded along with it, his brother stays at home still at 30, and his dad's health is up and down, and he is always erratic and when we go round they all just shout over each other. His dad is very controlling and they all jump when he demands something from them.my partner said this is the way they have always been, and his dad pushed him to the job he does now which he didn't want but he wasforced into it.There has been so many occasions he's been invited round like on my partners birthday he decided to go away for the day instead of coming round to see him, my partner was really upset.He invited him round for Xmas dinner but he made excuses he'd rather go out for dinner.They came boxing day, I fell over myself making sure they were treated like royalty but I never even got a thank you, not even from my partner. He just sat on his backside all day. Yet on mothers day his mother's birthday etc my partner demands I go round with him, and I think that should be my choice.I really don't want to go, because they really don't accept me.It's his dad's birthday today and my partners been running around getting his birthday sorted for going round later and I told him I didn't want to go, so he's not talking to me.He didn't bother on my partners birthday nor mine, to make the effort to come round so why should I, because I'm the one that had to put up with my partners mood last year when his dad didn't bother.The father has loads of money even though he gets benefits and he charges his brother £90 a week rent, yet other other week there we were selling my partners old wardrobe which was 15 years old, and he had to get permission from his dad to sell it, which he took when he left home.I managed to sell the wardrobe and dealt with it all, and his dad demanded the money foment the sale, then he dumped some lights on me to sell for him which I did, and took the money and I never got a thank you.my partners brother doesn't seem to help around their house because they are always calling for my partner to go fix things, even when he's at work h's dad is on the phone asking him to get newspapers dropped in, and there is no thanks.my partner goes out of his way to try and please his folks and you can see it, he just wants their approval.His mother works in the same place as him, and she is constantly putting him down, telling him he's put on weight his teeth need cleaned as he has a stain on them, that she can't look at him, and she is like 20 stone.He has the stain because he smokes, they don't even know he does, he has smoked for 15 years. He has put on weight because he was stick and bone when I met him, and his dad's cooking was so bad he couldn't eat it. He loves my cooking, if we go for a drink at the weekend his mother says he's drinking too much yet his brother drinks every weekend, we don't. We rarely go out.is it me that's being unreasonable because my partner is barely talking to me today, or yesterday since I said I'm not going round today. I have tried with them and it's making me ill, I don't need their approval I know I'm a good person.I am sick of him staying his dad is this and that and the greatest man alive, when I see a old vindictive bully, that takes and doesn't give. He's told my partner once he loved him, and he's 33 now.I'm fed up hearing his dad is not well, he doesn't help himself, he's not meant to drink and he's meant to take exercise and he's doesn't listen. He thinks he is always right, I read up about his illness and most people do great if they follow the Dr etc, but he doesn't, he uses his illness to get out of having to even see me. I'm fed up.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 March 2016):
 You are in a very tough situation here, because if you avoid his parents well then you are going to be the bad one, he is going to look at you and think you are not making an effort and that this is why they do not approve off you, also if you don't make an effort they will be in his ear telling him that you don't care.
I can see where you are coming from, but I think you also need to accept that these people are important to your partner. He wants his mum and dad to love him, he wants to be accepted and he will keep going until the day they are no longer here. The thing is when you rebel he is going to automatically blame you.
Yes it must be hard for you to see him being rejected. You have two choices stay with him and try and bare with his parents during family events, or else maybe you need to accept that this is not the life that you want at the moment and tell your boyfriend how you are feeling, if he is not willing to compromise well then maybe this relationship will not last.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2016): Can i also add, a couple of weeks ago my partner also booked a table in a fancy resturant for his dad's birthday today, and two hours later he had his mother on the phone to cancel it, as he wouldn't be well. My partners face was cressfallen, yet today, his mother and father are now away out for lunch. It's just a slap in the face, also everyday his dad picks his mother up from work, and even if it's wild and the rain is pouring down and he finished the same time as his mother, he won't even give him a lift up the road and they stay round the corner.
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