A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I hope you guys can help me out with this.My mother is really upsetting me!Not only is she one of those nagging mums, who get on your nerves and interfere with EVERYTHING you do! But it seems as though she doesn't care about me anymore.My life is full of disappointment because of her. She lets me down all the time.Today was a typical example; She promised me last week that she'd take me to this shop at the end of my street for some new clothes (It's a fairly cheap place, but the clothes are really nice). So there's me getting all excited (doesn't take alot!) and we went there today, I saw alot of things I liked. I went up to her asking if I could get this really nice top for £5 - bargain! Then she goes "I didn't bring any money"... and I just looked at her in disbelief "So why did you bother bringing me here then?" I asked. Then she just came up with excuses saying that she's skint etc. I think she did it purposely, just to get at me - She's like that. I'd reminded her plenty of times throughout the week too. She could at least have had the decency to tell me beforehand! I don't believe her excuses though, she's ALWAYS buying herself things and doesn't give a second thought about me. So that's the money side of things. But as well as this, she's said to me about 3 times "I'll take you in a few pubs tonight, we can stay out until late" I've never had this experience before, apart from being on holiday. But when it comes to it, like last minute she'll say "We're not going now, i'm too tired". I'm just sick of it! Letting me down all the time.My dad knows she gets to me alot. He can always see the disappointment in my face! But she can't, she just ASSUMES i'm alright with it. She's so irratating, Some of the dirty looks she gives me are awful. I don't even feel comfortable around her anymore! She's so interfering and doesn't let me do or have certain things. I've been practically begging her for the past 3 weeks if I can get my hair dyed. My auntie was willing to do it but I heard my mum talking to her on the phone saying "Oh don't bother Jackie, She's in no rush to have it done". I was screaming inside!I'm so MAD! I'm getting to the point now, where I don't take her seriously anymore. If she said "we're going to Turkey next week" I'd be like, "Oh, really?"It's really getting to me though. Any advice on how to handle it?
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female
reader, lexilou +, writes (31 May 2008):
 Maybe she just took you because you nagged her to. Ive been a teenager (a pretty bad one too) and now I am a mum to two teens and a 3 year old. They constantly nag and demand and ask for things I cant alway afford. Sometimes daughter wants to go into town but doesnt actually say she wants something and then sulks for hours if I dont buy anything. So my advice is sit and talk to your mum and always find out where you stand before you go anywhere like that. Get a job or offer to do extra chores round the house to earn your own cash for treats. Tell your mum you love her and do something nice for her once in a while!! Its hard being a teenager and you do think the whole world is against you but sometimes its downright hard being a mum too and we cant always discuss things with teens like money worries etc. Why not try a girlie night in, do each others nails or hair or watch a dvd, offer to make her a meal. Make her feel more appreciated and she may appreciate you more too. x
A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (30 May 2008):
 Oh yes, mothers of teenagers are really weird. Which is odd, because they mostly think their teenagers are really weird.
It's communication that's the problem. We don't listen to each other half the time. She hasn't got a clue what's really important to you, and you probably aren't successfully giving her a clue as to what you really want. Simply reminding her of what you want isn't enough. Qualify it - in the way that a salesman (or saleswoman!) qualifies a potential sales prospect. "If we go shopping for clothes, will you be able to buy me a few things?" then just before you leave to go out "Is it still OK if we buy a few things? Have you got some money with you?"
I'm sure she won't be doing it deliberately. She's probably just not thinking, so you have to do at least half the thinking for her. As StudentofLife said, money may be tight, and that's not something she will feel comfortable discussing with you.
It works both ways too. I'm not sure what stage you've got to or exactly what age you are, but have you any idea how it feels to be a mother when:
"Where are you going? Somewhere nice?"
"Out."
"Out where?"
"Just out."
And then:
"Had a good evening?"
"All right."
"Go anywhere nice?"
"Not really."
And that's on a good day. Is it any wonder that we mothers sometimes just switch off and let our teenagers get on with it? All too often we completely miss what our daughters or sons really want simply because we're so used to the non-communication that when something relatively important (important to the teenager anyway!) is communicated then it goes in one ear and out of the other without actually registering. She has no concept of what it's like to be your age. Sure she was that age once, but the memory of it is almost certainly very far removed from the reality. Because something wouldn't be important to her now, she can't really comprehend that it's important to you. Like going to the pub.
Also, when you think she isn't considering you at all, you need to remember that a teenager is a difficult thing to cope with. You're not a child, but neither are you an adult. The response from a mother (or father that matter) is sometimes to treat you as a child (nagging and interfering over the silliest things) and sometimes to treat you as an adult who can sort out everything for herself - and completely (conveniently?!) forgetting that you still depend on your mother for many of the things you do and need.
As I said, communication is the key. If you can let your mother into your life, your wants and your needs, explain the things that are important to you and make sure you get a positive response before you leave it or move on to another subject, then just maybe you will find it easier. Alas, I fear the gulf between parents and teenagers is hard to bridge. I can only assure you that generally it does get better - in your mid-twenties or early thirties if you're lucky.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): You're 16, right? How about go and get a job, get some money, and then buy your own stuff. Obviously you can't rely on your mum, she sounds as self-obsessed as my own mother. Been there darlin, the only thing you can do is look after yourself.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (30 May 2008):
 Well moms really are weirds sometimes, seems to me like you have one weird one of your own too huh?
The best thing that you can do about it, in my opinion, is probably to talk to her. Calmly and respectably, to show her the mature side of you.
Money is hard to get at times, I know that it can't piss you off when she doesn't buy you stuff, or she says that she will but changes her mind. But she may have her reason for doing so.
At time, my family had huge money problems and I didn't even know it. Now that I work and pay the bills, I realize why they were saying no to me.
It's normal that a mom will get you on your nerves at times. But they never stop loving us, their "kid".
I'm 22 and my mom calls me home sometimes just to tell me "Remember to be careful there, I only have one son and I don't want to loose him". I admit though, I do live a bit extreme at time.
I guess you can always try to ignore what she does that pisses you off by doing something to change your mind.
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