A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Have been reading a lot of articles on great sex, oral sex etc that all adds up to that happy life. What's to be said about couples who's sex life isn't so great but are together because of the vows they made. Some people have the zeal to stay no matter what and divorce isn't an option for them when you have kids its more complicated. I know in some parts of the world if its not working you have the option of leaving. What do you say to those who are stuck and have no escape.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input though I tend to agree with empty1 ? things he said. Most of the relationships we encounter are talking about the beginnings. What happens 10/15 years down the line is a different story. Anyone's that's been married this long can attest to this if you haven't have a look at our parents. Some people get married 4, 5 times and others after 2 marriages just feel they're better off living together without the formalities. Yes society may view one who changes partners too frequently as a loose person and that's why what people think does matter but not of course at your expense if its an abusive relationship for instance. What I was trying to put across is that there are sacrifices to be made by both parties, tolerance, patience, understanding which goes a long way to keep a couple together despite their differences. This happily ever after of course isn't a myth but it can't be found in any relationship 24/7 (24 hours a day, 7 days a week)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): I was in a marriage for many, many years, and a lack of intimacy was a major contributing factor in my divorce. Notice I say "intimacy" and not just "sex". Fact is, we were having sex, on average, once a week through the whole marriage. Generally adequate, although I am more of a 3 times a week guy. But the thing was the passion and intimacy went out of it. So much so that we became severely disconnected, and could not pull our selves out of it. THe disconnect grew until many, many things were impacted, not just our sexual happiness.
Now that I've been divorced and with new partners, and can look back, I realize that sex played a major role in keeping me connected emotionally to my wife. For her, sex was not as much a way of reconnecting as it was a duty. She actually said a few times "if we never have sex, I'm OK with it". For her to have any enthusiasm for sex, I had to give her a 30 minute body rub, give her tons of oral, make her orgasm at least 3 or 4 times and then hurry up and finish myself...and never anywhere that grossed her out like her mouth, face or hands. In other words, I realized it was all obout her. Guess I should be grateful, because when I did even one tenth of that with the partners I had afterwards, the response I got was unbelievable. For a time I had women calling me back and even their friends in one instance. So I became a better lover becuase of my eagerness to please my ex wife...she just didn't appreciate it. Apparently, there are a lot of guys out there who dont even know what a clitoris is.
But I digress...point I'm trying to make is that sex is very important, but the commuication is even moreso. My wife became bored with sex because I didn't feed her...I didn't give her the friendship, respect and admiration that she longed for. There was a moment shortly before we separated, when we knew it was over, that I held her close...REALLY held her, and she burst out in tears...sobbing. She realized she had not been held like that in years. I felt so sad too, that I had not really held her with my HEART. I focused on being passionate when all I had to do was be loving. This is why love is so much more important than just sex, and why sex is always just sex when there is no love.
The key is communication, respect and friendship. Be her rock, not her rockstar. THe great lovemaking will follow.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): If you can honestly say you have both put all efforts to sort this problem out and still not happy, then maybe it is time to be happy on your own and not married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): "Some people have the zeal to stay no matter what and divorce isn't an option for them"Depending on where this attitude is coming from, it can be either a marriage builder or a marriage destroyer.If this attitude is coming from place of mutual love and respect and affection for each other, then this attitude is just the outward sign of love and commitment to each other and a strong relationship. This can weather the storms of low or no sex. BUT. If the relationship actually sucks, and yet the spouses have this attitude of "stay together no matter what, divorce not an option" then it's coming from a place of selfishness. Yes that's right, the "stay together no matter what" is due to selfishness. Because if the relationship sucks yet you won't divorce, that means that you're only staying in the marriage to make YOURSELF feel good about YOURSELF. Whereas in the first attitude the focus is on the other person, here it's on yourself. So you can tell yourself you're not a bad person (because the underlying belief is that you're a bad person or a bad parent if you divorce), the zeal to stay married is to soothe your own ego and not due to love and caring for your partner. This is totally dysfunctional. and it's a trap. People who care a lot about appearances and criticism from others, are more prone to this second attitude. the net effect is that they make themselves and their partners and their children more and more miserable over time because they block out what could be the only viable or healthy option to restore sanity and personal healing to a bad situation. or they develop unhealthy coping mechanisms (like drinking too much, or getting into affairs) because they are miserable in their marriage yet won't divorce so they need some other outlet. That's why this "divorce isn't an option" attitude can actually ruin lives. As a side note: look at all the people who have been divorced and are now so much happier and leading better lives either on their own or in new relationships or re-married. Tell them that "divorce is never an option" and you're denying or invalidating their new, present, better lives. (that said, there are also lots of people who divorce and continue to be miserable. probably their misery was not due to their ex-spouse or marriage but due to personal problems that continued to follow them wherever they went.)"What do you say to those who are stuck and have no escape."Well all I can say is "sorry that it sucks to be you." I apologize for being so flippant. But the thing is, rarely is there truly no escape. Usually there is an escape, just that you're too afraid to bear the consequences of taking it. No choice comes without any consequences. If you leave a miserable marriage, you may have to deal with a lot of consequences like financial loss, judgment from other people, condemnation from your religious community....but you do still have the option to leave AND bear these consequences (this is not the middle ages where you get stoned to death for wanting to leave a marriage.) If you feel so desperate that you think of "escape" from your marriage but feel stuck, then I would say you are lacking in some courage or resources and should work on getting those so you can leave or stay without the stuck feeling.
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A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (31 August 2011):
Communication is key!If one or the other partner is not happy, the marriage will end eventually. Unless the partners discuss the how's and why's of happiness in an honest and frank manner, that ending could get very ugly indeed!It is usually best to try and learn how to discuss difficult and potentially contentious topics in a loving, caring, and supportive, non confrontational way. For example, instead of saying "I wish we had sex more often" or "I need you to be more open about oral sex" one could say something akin to "I find myself really missing the intimacy and passion we used to have. I would really like to try and spark that fire back up".Also - couples very often fall into the trap of ceasing to be a couple, and instead settling for a coexistance sort of holding pattern. If you want the sex and romance back, you've got to start doing the sorts of things for and with one another that taught you as a couple to love one another in the first place! Re-kindle the fun, the laughing, the reading to each other, or the dates, or the movies, or whatever it was that taught the individuals involved that this is a person whose company I enjoy, and who I want to spend time with.When you begin re-associating your partner with the fun, the laughs, the good times, then it will naturally follow that the romantic feelings will blossom again. Also - there is a LOT to be said for partners keeping up with, or even improving their physical appearances for one another. It always sounds schovanistic when a guy says "I'm not attracted to her anymore - she's let herself go". Isn't it odd that when a wife of 20 years says that about her husband, who added a beer gut and permanent 5 o'clock shadow she gets all sorts of sympathy about her gross 'old man' who still expects her to 'put out', but when a husband of the same timeframe says "she's put on too much weight, and I don't find her sexy anymore" he's being a pig? I always thought that was odd. Anyway, truth be told, one of the reasons we married our partners in the first place was that there was a physical attraction and chemistry. If we want that to stay alive, there's some upkeep involved! If we don't do our part, then we have little room to complain that our partner isn't interested anymore. After all, if either partner puts on a good 40 lbs, they bear little resemblance to the person their partner was originally attracted to! Personally, I reject wholeheartedly the notion that a partner should simply accept and should still love -in the same way- someone who they didn't sign up to marry. People change, and if one partner is not the same person anymore, then they have little ground on which to complain about lack of intimacy.Then, of course, there's expectations. Both partners used to do things, as part of the courtship ritual, that they both began to resent. Classically, he'd work his tail off, and be happy to do so. Taking on overtime, working around the house, and generally being an active, go-getter. He WANTED to do those things. The smile he got from her made it all worthwhile. She, (classically) would keep a very neat home. She'd be thrilled to be doing his laundry, and tickled about the dishes! She WANTED to do those things - the smile and appreciation he gave made it all worth while. HOWEVER - each partner learned from those behaviors that -this is what my partner wants out of life-. He learned that being domestically able and busy made her happy, and that this was the sort of woman he was involved with. She learned that being accomplished and aggressive made him happy, and that this was the sort of man she is involved with. Then, over time, these things lose their luster. She begins to resent the household chores, and often resent him for not doing them. If she actually asks for help, he'll be thrilled to help out, and she'll resent him even more, because he's not as miserable doing these things as she was. He'll start resenting every 'honey do' item on the list, and work will become drudgery. If he can overcome his fragile ego enough to ask for help, she'll be thrilled to chip in, and he'll resent her even more, becasue she's not as miserable doing them as he was.These sorts of things are quite common. It's almost unavoidable. However, there's some truth in advertising needed here. She needs to be honest enough with herself to realize that SHE taught him, very deliberately, that this is what she wanted, and that she has no cause to complain that he gave her exactly what she asked for. He needs to have the courage to do the same!Then, they need to sit down, as a couple, and re-hash their expectations, now that the honeymoon is over!What it all boils down to, is that marriage is WORK!There is no "happily ever after" The fairytale that we will spend our life in marital bliss, if only we can find "the one" is a sham!Ever notice how all of the fairytale existances, romantic comedies, etc. that form our ideas of what the perfect relationship should be end with the onset of the fantasy relationship? You'll never see a movie or read a book about a marriage that is happily in it's 20'th year!The secret that we aren't taught growing up, is that we will need to continuously keep adding effort to our relationship. It's not enough to find "the one", because there is no "one". Love isn't about finding the right one, it's about treating the one you're with right!So, I say, that if someone is stuck, and has no escape, that they need to have a good, long, hard look at how they got themselves there. Starting with the portion of blame that they, themselves need to shoulder. Did you used to do things for your partner, out of the sheer joy of being nice to them that you now resent having to do? Did your partner reasonably interpret those behaviors as your signal that this is what makes YOU happy? Are you perhapse a bit softer around the middle, saggier, or less meticulous about your hygene? Did you get off the fashion boat when you tied the knot, or when was the last time you really put any effort into your appearance for your partner? Remember when you used to love to primp up for the next date? Yes, even the guy primped and made sure he had 'the look' he was after! When was the last time you and your partner did something fun together, spent time enjoying being a couple OUTSIDE of the bedroom?If someone who thinks they are "Trapped" in a sexless marriage can undergo the honest self-examination, and put their own house of cards back in order, they will then be in a very strong position to communicate to their partner their dissatisfaction with the way the relationship has progressed. Doing so in a non confrontational and loving manner will also go a long way.\If all of that doesn't make any headway at all, and their partner is simply dissinterested in re-engaging in an actual relationship, then the marriage is already dead, and the papers just haven't been signed yet. I would wager, however, that if all of that effort goes in, and the other partner is honestly dissinterested in re-engaging in the relationship, then it's very likely that it's because they've got another relationship on the side.
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