A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just met this guy, the minute I saw him I thought there was something about him. We've been dating for about a month and had a really good laugh. The other night I sent him a really mean text message, I was drunk, it's like a subconscious thing I do to push people away, well he then told me had to think about things, and then I just kept pushing to the point he said goodbye. What is wrong with me? Another one bites the dust. I think I'm just scared cos I got badly hurt a few years ago. Is there anything I can do about this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): Hi, I know how you feel I really do, but I am going to give you a little tough love here.
You are defensive about the fact that you had been drinking when you sent the text, that you were not blind drunk. If you want some constructive advice then you are going to need to be willing to make some changes. One is to stop drinking, as it seems to affect your psyche and your mood enough to make you insecure about things to the point of sending nasty texts. Do yourself a favor and stop drinking and see if that doesn't help you in many ways.
Four years is a long time to be still stuck and feeling insecure about love from a bad break up. I mean if you have been seriously hurt then of course you would be a little scared, I think everyone has that issue, however, if yours seems to be to the point of keeping you out of relationships, then perhaps it is time to get some psychological counseling to deal with your issues. You would be doing yourself a favor because the healthier you are the healthier the men will be that you attract to you.
In fact this guy sounds like your match, he is insecure and scared to a strong degree too, he isn't what you actually need, but may be all you can handle right now due to your fear of intimacy. So perhaps you sense that about him, too....and pushed him away.
So, my recommendation to you is to try therapy, it shows inner strength to do that and the fact that you recognize you have a problem is a big first step towards recovery.
You deserve to attract and keep love in your life....don't let that bad boyfriend from the past win, don't keep punishing yourself because he was a dickwad!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): for the record (Another one Bites the Dust) - I had had a couple of drinks with friends, this does not mean i was blind drunk! But thanks for the advice - I am responsible with alcohol. The point of the question was that I panicked and that I really like this guy, I tried to take back what I said but I don't know if I've just dug myself a bigger hole. It has been 4 years since the horrible breakup I experienced, and this is the first time I've met anyone who stood out. He also said he was unsure cos he had been hurt before and had vowed he'd never have a girlfriend again, I should have just given him space but now I'm scared I've pushed him away all together. Any advice about how to rectify this, particularly from any men out there would be helpful...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2009): Wow, are you me?
I have the same problem, I think. I had a really terrible relationship with someone I loved soooo much, and now I seem to punish anyone else who isn't him for no reason. I'm actually just getting past the problem, after a few drunken, bitter episodes with my new boyfriend. It didn't happen overnight, and I'm still not over the old guy, but moving on is absolutely necessary!
I did a lot of thinking, really let myself wallow in the mourning process of my ex, and thought a lot about why I was sabotaging potentially healthy relationships. Don't beat yourself up over the past, just look to the future and work on your self esteem. I read "Revolution from Within" by Gloria Steinem (it's not hardcore feminism stuff) and that broadened my perspective a lot!
Work on living in the present - not all guys are out to hurt you like your ex(es) did. Work on your belief that you really do deserve a great relationship and your belief that you don't need anyone to complete you.
Good luck - sorry bout my ramblings!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (31 March 2009):
 It does sound like a defense mechanism for you to avoid the risk of being burned by someone. I truly understand your position as I do this to people. I don't think there is anything wrong with being cautious with people, particularly if you are sensitive deep down and likely to get badly hurt if things go wrong. I don't know what you said to him by text but I would leave it for a week and then send him a friendly message asking to meet up. I think sending texts when you are drunk are bad news at any stage of the relationship, but we all make mistakes! If this relationship is doomed, don't worry too much as it should be a sign that he is not the right person to handle you and your defense mechanism. I dated several men who couldn't deal with my reluctance to give my all to them...and then I met my (now) husband who was able to deal with my feisty self. I suggest you hold on to find someone who can deal with you, faults and all!
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