A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some answers please because I'm going crazy. I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years now. Take it back a little to 2003 I was with a girl who I dated in high school and she cheated on me so we broke up. Then in 2004 I met this girl at work and we got together, we had really great chemistry but we were not dating just having sex. Enter my current girlfriend who I was honest with from the start we started just having sex as well to so at one point I was having sex with both. Then the one from work stopped calling me out of no where no reason just stopped. So a year goes by and I am technically dating the other girl but she knows I am not ready to settle down but is willing to wait for me till I am, which at the time I had no plans on stopping due to the one from 2003 hurting me, lucky guy I know. Now the chemistry between me and the one from work and the chemistry from me and my current girlfriend completely different, what I mean is I had great chemistry with the one from work and no chemistry with my girlfriend just stayed with her because she was willing to wait which i know was wrong but i'm happy I did. Now I know this is long but more to tell you that's why I'm going crazy. I started to fall in love with my current girlfriend not from chemistry but because she was cool about things and I wanted to settle down with just her because I felt it was time to and she deserved it for being there for me during a lot of hard times. Now in 2008 just before the new year I realized I wanted to start a family with my current girlfriend no doubt about it she was the one, so much I completely forgot about the good chemistry between me and the other girl because we hadn't talked since she stopped calling me. Then 2009 comes and she contacts me through the internet. It threw me off guard because I wasn't thinking of her at all but her contacting me had me thinking about her and has now thrown me off of what I thought of my current girlfriend. Now I've tried to convince myself that I don't need her and i'm good where I'm at but my brain or my heart is telling me that I want that chemistry back. Here is what's driving me crazy I love my girlfriend with all my heart and still want to have a family with her she is perfect for me in so many ways minus the lack of chemistry which before the other girl contacted me back was not a problem. Now I am completely confused because I want to stay with my girl but I want that chemistry I got from the other girl not the girl(and what's worst is the girl from work said she stopped calling me because she lost her phone and has not stopped thinking about me since) What do I do to convince my heart and brain that I am good where I am at because I don't want to leave my girlfriend.....Please help me I constantly think about this all day and it's causing me to get off track with work and life in general. I am so depressed and it's not fair to my girl, now I have told her everything as well and being the great girl she is she said she would wait and stick by my side till I figured things out. I want to marry her but my heart or brain not sure what is telling me I want more.... Can I do something to help me get chemistry like that with my girlfriend or is there something to do that can tell my brain I don't need it i'm hurting inside bad...... I don't want to leave her....
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at work, broke up, cheated on me, depressed, girl at work, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Holy crap. I've found it...not one, but TWO people with the exact same dilema I find myself in now. It's a little different...but same idea.34 year old male, had everything from a 5 hour relationship to a five year relationship. Let's just say I'm no stranger to the dating scene lol. Anyhow, had been dating this wonderful, amazing, sweet, cute, EVERYTHING girl...on PAPER. Just like the female respondent, the difference between "on paper" and "reality...is huge. About 3 months ago we split as I had met a girl whom my heart absolutely beat out of my chest for!!! I forgot what it felt like to have "butterflies" and those kinds of feelings! Sadly, it didn't last much past 3 weeks or so as she had a lot of familial and emotional baggage.But I didn't go back to my girlfriend. I thought, "well, better to be single than with someone you can't give your all to..."And then maybe 2 or so weeks later a friend lets me know about a co-worker who saw my Facebook and thought I was attractive, etc. So we set up a date...and the chemistry was through the ROOF!! I mean i was giddy...and so was she! Fun, sexy, affectionate, all the good stuff!!But, almost 2 months later, even though I feel chemistry when we are together, its not what its cracked up to be. She complains all the time, about EVERYTHING, has a small child which makes it difficult, always has to cancel plans, is not very stable financially or career-wise. Basically what I am trying to say is that this "chemistry" seems to be originating from my pants, lol, not even my "heart." Its purely physical in nature, and as time passes...and her sexiness disappears..what am I left with?THAT is why I struggle about getting back with my ex. Yes, on paper, she has all the great qualities a future wife would have, no doubtr about that, and something tells me THOSE characteristics have a much longer "shelf life" than a girl with a great body and a great tan.Sure, follow your heart, but think...if you were to go face-first through a windshield...which of the 2 would stand by your side?I think you know the answer to that ;)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): Hi- I must say I am NEVER one to respond to websites like these... i am normally just the reader..however, your story sounds so much like mine (however i am a girl).. and if your like me maybe you can take something away from other peoples stories.. to make a very long story short.. i was with my ex-boyfriend the entire way through highschool and a year through college... so all together 5 years.. he was truly many of my first.. including my first love.. but like you, we were young and immature.. so we broke up. Later on i met a guy at work.. we have been together 4 years now, and recently got engaged. He is perfect on paper. He is supportive, loving, caring, and i see myself doing all the things that are important to me RIGHT NOW (traveling, building a house, having kids etc.)... well.. 8 months into my engagement now, my ex who finds out im engaged calls out of the blue and expresses his feelings... so, i too, am in your situation as far as 1.) i am with someone who is absolutely perfect on paper for me and everyone and everything inside of me says 'you could be 100% ok with your life with him' and 2.) someone who gives me more chemistry and spark than the 4th of july. I was completely honest with my fiancee and told him i needed to see my ex, there was no way i could walk down the aisle and whole heartedly committ to forever unless i saw my ex. Well, i met him for dinner and that chemistry never died... even four years later... he still has the power to give me butterflies and make me feel like nobody else can... for two weeks after i didn't speak to my ex because i kept telling myself the right thing to do is stay with my fiancee, i said yes to his engagement and an engagement is a one time thing, and it is hard work.
Now as for the conclusion, it took me a long time to realize that yes, my life would have been perfect on paper, however nothing can compare to the feeling you get when you and someone else have chemistry, i truly feel you have chemistry with one person and thats your soul mate. I have since called off my engagement and have started rekindling slowly with my ex... there are still days i feel awful inside because in this type of situation someone is going to get hurt. you sound JUST like me (which is why i HAD to respond)... i started dating my ex because we were both rebounds to our ex's and we were able to be there for each other.. and i eventually became comfortable with him... he is truly a great guy.. but it wasn't until i saw my ex that i realized i couldn't live without chemistry... i guess what really hit me was when i went to a reunion with my mother and one of her friends after being in a 30 year marriage said to me 'i love my husband and of course stayed with him.. but there is just SOMETHING missing....... ' ... follow your heart... and don't let your brain control your heart... just know someone else knows how feel... i know it's not easy!.. i hope i have helped A LITTLE... good luck to you :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjezebel thank you I really want to stay with her and do any and everything to create that chemistry but my main problem right now is the pain i'm feeling inside not sure why it is
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): First off, you dont even know this other girl anymore, people change. I mean, who knows if you even have the chemistry with her anymore? And your girlfriend sounds like a great girl! Sounds to me like she cares about you a great deal and wants you to be happy even if that means not with her. That is someone who is TRULY in love with you! In my opinion if you want the chemistry with this girl then you have to create it. Romantic getaways, that kind of thing. Anything that will strengthen the bond that you share. Good luck and let us know what you decide...
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