A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidPlease take your time and give me your views.I am married and have been with my husband for 30yrs,I found out that he was having an affair with a girl 20yrs younger (also married)I was devastated as i never dreamed that he would cheat and lie like he did. At first he denied everything and only came clean when he realised what i knew,he said he was going though a midlife crices after several months passing I found out that their were others he had affairs with he admitted everything and asked me to forgive him and to give him a another chance and let him prove to me that he will never cheat lie again.Since i have found out our realationship has been up and down i left him as he started hitting me i moved into a refuge but went back to him as i love him and wanted to be with him.He swore that he would never hurt me again and he wants to be with me till we die.Not a day goes past that i dont think of him with these woman and i am finding it hard to be really happy and forget the past and move on ,i know that i will never trust my h/b again or truely belive himCan he really stay faithful ?How do i know he,s sorry?Would he have carried on if i never found out?Can a person really love someone and cheat on them?One question i would like your answer to is a friend of mine died we went to her funneral then i find out he cheated on me with her how could he let me go and pay my respect when she did nt deserve my respect what kind of person have i married.can a person change after getting away with cheating for 20yrs.Sorry its long but hope your can give me some answersThank you
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (1 February 2010):
Baddogbj has answered it perfectly. I was a victim of cheating and went back. My ex husband made theatrical declarations of his love for me, apologised, rolled on the floor in despair, threatened to kill himself if I left him, begged and I believed he meant it. Not even 1 week later he was on the phone with his mistress making plans. I still went back after more kneeling and crying. It took me 2 years to catch him again with the same woman because he had learnt to be more careful. I realised that he can't stop the cheating because that's part of who he is. He loved me and when we were together it was great. He still loves me to this day, but I can't be with a liar and cheater. I have since moved on and am enjoying life now. We remain friends and he recently admitted to me that he never cheated because of anything I did. He cheated because of greed and opportunity. The woman had agreed to be there just for his personal pleasure and he couldn't turn it down. LOL. I think if you get back with him you are just delaying the inevitable. My ex was persistent and it took me 3 years to leave him. But I remained strong in my resolve and am now with a wonderful man. If you decide against all odds to stay, then try the counseling route. Maybe you will learn some things about him that will help you understand him better. Good luck.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 February 2010):
This isn't like one affair. This is more than one over the last 20 years. And he's hit you. Those are two REALLY good reasons to leave him. You just can't trust him. There is no good reason to stay with him, no matter how much you love him. One affair is bad enough. More than one proves he doest'n care. And to hit you says it all. He even cheated with a friend. The time has come to move on. You should be enjoying your life with someone who cares for you, not hanging on to a marriage that is in effect a lie.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 Regardless of the cheating you should not stay with a man that hits you.I am a married man who cheats and so my view, however distasteful, may be more relevant than some:Can he really stay faithful ? NO. NOT A CHANCE. He has been doing this for too long. There are certain lines that once you have crossed you can't go back. He might try to stop for a while but the only thing that would really stop him is if he simply no longer has the opportunities. Retire somewhere remote and conservative and don't let him travel without you. How do i know he,s sorry? It is very possible that he is genuinely distressed at the hurt he has caused you but that is distress at the result of him being found out not real guilt at what he did. Succesful long term cheaters, particularly thos of us who cheat with multiple lovers have something wrong in our psyche which means that we feel no guilt over it. If we felt guilt we would give ourselves away. We are able to persuade ourselves that it is normal and not really a big deal. Would he have carried on if i never found out? YES. Until he no longer had the ability. Why would he stop?Can a person really love someone and cheat on them? YES. I don't expect any woman to believe that but I know it to be true.One question i would like your answer to is a friend of mine died we went to her funneral then i find out he cheated on me with her how could he let me go and pay my respect when she did nt deserve my respect what kind of person have i married. can a person change after getting away with cheating for 20yrs. NO.HERE IS MY REMEDY if you want to keep going. As a condition of you not ruining him in the divorce courts, have him place a substantial sum let's say £20,000, in a bank account that you control. Have tatooed above his penis "£20,000 reward for information concerning the whereabouts of this penis" and then your phone number!
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 Sorry Hun, but for the life of me I cannot understand why you are stil with your husband.
He has physically abused you, cheated on you and you went back for more??
As I see it you have one choice here, to get the hell out of the marriage! You do not really have a marriage with this man, you are just there probably to cook and clean and be his sex partner for when he feels like having sex with you..
I know you love him but Hun, he doesnt love you. And, no I really dont believe that your husband will change, he has enjoyed all the thrill of illicit sex for so long, how will he be able to go back to 'vanilla' sex with his wife?
Honeygirl
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