A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I've been in a relationship for 3 and a half years now (it's been my longest). Almost half of this time I spent abroad for work. Four months ago, while abroad again for the last time, a girl flirted with me out of the blue and I stupidly let myself lured into the game and shortly after we went to her flat where we fooled around without actually having intercourse.I know there are a number of unaddressed problems that I have like the feeling of not having had enough fun in my early twenties, missing opportunities out of fear and shyness, even when I was alone. My GF and I never had other sexual partners. Aware of my old frustrations and not feeling secure enough, my GF told me repeatedly that I would cheat on her one day. I wish it never happened...Of course the day after I realized what I had done and been consumed with guilt ever since. Some people say that sex is just a game and one should go lightly about it. For me it was only when playing it. An experience that is said to make one feel "like a man" made me feel miserable. I didn't even find it "enriching" or particularly pleasurable. Just a foreign body and pure, desperate instinct which now makes me feel ashamed of myself. Guilt consumes me to such extent that for days it paralyzes me from my work.I keep thinking I have become a despicable person. I cannot even enjoy going to new places, discovering new things anymore. It gets really hard sometimes and it pains me physically. It feels like I’ve stupidly done something I’m not cut out for and this seemingly unconscious desperate attempt at « renewed » masculinity seems ridiculous now. I cannot stop thinking of what a jerk I've been. Why couldn't I be happy with what I had? It's not like I am in love head over heels, but my girlfriend and I have had our good moments together and she doesn’t deserve this. Nobody does.For the past months I've read countless posts on this subject. Knowing that others have been in the same situation doesn't help; it's not like I've made a mistake that would affect me alone. Then I could bear everything.I've started seeing a psychotherapist for the first time in my life because of my guilt. But for now everything points out to my issues, a general feeling of discontent and fear of accepting responsibilities. Problem is I am familiar with psychoanalysis so often I hear things I am aware of.Despite hidden reasons and instinct, the moral issue remains. I sometimes feel the urge to confess it all to my GF, sometimes I'm telling myself I should not have her bear a burden which would cause her alot of pain just for me to feel better. I remember she once told me that if this were to happen, she wouldn't want to know about it. I've heard many women say the same thing. There is no consolation in it, though. There is no excuse for what I have done. I am simply not the guy that can lie to himself. I'm sorry for this long post, but I’m really lost and would appreciate some opinions. Thank you.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (14 March 2011):
 What can you do except for be a better boyfriend? Be honest from now on and make her happy. You didn't have sex with that other girl. Not in the true sense anyway. You didn't form any emotional attachment to that sordid occurrence, you have suffered enough because of it, clearly learning now to never fall into such a trap ever again. Now you can keep trying to make your girlfriend smile and know in your heart that you have redeemed yourself.
I hope that helps.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): It sounds like to me you need to tell her not only for her sake but for yours. The guilt will kill you, and being honest will let it go. It definitely will change everything and maybe ruin everything but you made the mistake and its gotta be dealt with one way or the other. If your gf is caring she will see you're truly sorry and forgive you but she doesn't owe it to you to stay with you. It is basically going to be up to her. Either way just learn from it and get yourself better.
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