A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf of six months just broke up with me over text and I wanted to know if im the one that missed the red flags.We met through mutual friends and there was an instant attraction - he was the one that asked me out and within two weeks of knowing each other without being physical he asked me to be exclusive. I said yes because I've been chasing a relationship for so long and trying to fill a void that I didn't think much of it when my sister asked why is he asking u to be his gf at 29 years old when he doesn't know u.The first month we had at least four date nights alone until I started getting introduced to his friends and family. Fast foward to month 3 we are going on date night with his brother and his gf- or his best buddy is coming tagging along on date night on Saturdays when he sees him on Tuesday and Friday for beers. I never said anythingn in the beggining because I didn't think about it until my sister brought up - why is his buddy out with u guys all the time - why are u so involved in the family and their outings when u guys are so new into itWhen I thought about it - she was right - we barely spend time alone it was always with family and friends- even intimacy he was always tired -he always initiated it and never really let me finish offWhen I thought about all this at month 5 I started seeing him as a cold selfish liver - more like a stranger- he has also three guns in the house which one he carries and never told me why.Finally last week I burst and complained and he broke up over TEXT. He refused to pick up my phone calls and when I spoke to him and assured him I just wanted to know the reason how someone can switch up like this. He said: "We don't see things eye to eye"m and, "We don't share the same interests". Im puzzled - this man doesn't even know my sisters name and I know his family tree whether I wanted to or not, and did all the things he wanted on date nights and now he does this! How? I'm so mad - I was so nice - I hold two degrees - me. Say im attractive - I even cooked for him all the time and he just ended like that not even giving my stuff that I have in his house. I don't believe it was another woman because my clothes are still there and my night creams - which he put in his drawer. I'm confused. I get this man was selfish but did I miss the warning signs ??
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female
reader, TheRealMorningStar  +, writes (22 May 2017):
 Oh honey, this is an easy one... he's just not that into you. You rushed, sprinted, into this relationship, he, as you say, never really saw you alone, he told you all about his family (without asking about yours), AND he dumped you over text. He may be that man who wins over woman with his family being ever present. It has nothing to do with you not finishing (except it does) during sex, it has nothing to do with your degrees, your looks, your weight, your morning breath...the list goes on. It has to do with him because you are communicating with him and complete strangers but he's chosen the easy way out. Heck, he may have asked his brother, friend, whoever to text you because he used them to win you. Whatever you, YOU, decide, do not reach out to his family or friends...trust that they know all about you and that they are on his side. The same goes for getting your stuff back, do not talk to him about it, or his family/friends, because they will be there! You've done what you can because you have communicated, you've called and texted and the only thing to do now?! Learn from this, have a cry, wash your face (and hair) and get back out there once you feel like it. It doesn't have to be for romance because friends are awesome for this stuff too. Just enjoy your Summer, and the romance that may come out of it all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): Unless it's expensive jewelry or designer bags and shoes, leave it all behind. Move on. He was most likely being pressured by his family to get a girlfriend or get married; so you were his "beard." He needed a female companion and you accepted his request to be his girlfriend far too quickly.
You are asking questions now, when the time to ask questions was when you were first getting to know each other. You let him make all the choices and set the pace of the relationship; when you had every opportunity to slow things down, and ask him why he's moving so fast.
I ask this often, and perhaps I should again. How can you be so deeply into someone in only six months? Chemistry develops over time, you have to see people in all phases of their emotions, and you have to know exactly whom you're attaching your feelings to. Meeting family and friends is incidental. You're no secret, and it is no prelude to an engagement ring. He just wanted them to meet you and to get them off his back about finding a woman.
So putting things in perspective, shake it off. Pull yourself together, and straighten your skirt. It was a whirlwind romance, and this is how they all end. You need no more answers, because they won't change the outcome. It is now over. Fortunately, it was not two to three years in. Now that would be devastating. This is a learning experience.
The lessons learned here are quite simple. Don't rush into romance. Don't allow the guy to set the pace of how fast things go without your input. Ask questions and be willing to answer his. Don't let your feelings get ahead of his. If he has things that belong to you, get a male family-member to accompany you to pick-up your things. Do not attempt to talk to him, you are there for only one reason, to get your belongings. Do not instigate a confrontation between the men. Make sure the male family-member behaves himself. He is there only because you aren't strong enough alone to just get your stuff without an emotional exchange; or your ex might take advantage of your vulnerability.
Too much drama and emotionalizing places too much power in his hands over your feelings. He gave an adequate explanation, and you may have overlooked many signals and signs things were not quite right to begin with. You're finding it hard to accept, but it is what it is. What it is, is over!
Hold on to your dignity. Your strength will return in time, and this was not meant to be. The less said to each other, the better off you'll be. If you left nothing of real value behind, it is best not to look back and just go forward and get on with your recovery from all this. Time heals, girlfriend.
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