A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please, I am reposting my question again because I am desperate for help. Thanks for taking the time to read...Hi all,I have been in a romantic affair with a lovely man for 9 months. He was the one doing all the running, and gave me a lot. I never gave him the pleasure of an answer as to how serious we were, and he kept asking me whether I would marry him.I was rude to him, evasive, and at times abusive. I am not an easy person and relationships scare me. I am not young, and neither is he. But while he is an open book, I am a torn, complicated person. However, we stayed together but I started to trigger fights with him over petty things. We became aggressive toward each other, verbally abusive, angrier and angrier. I used to apologise. And he would always take me back. About 2 weeks ago , I abused him verbally and created a fight. I really went very far. Then I got a nasty flu right after it so I told him I was very sick, and that I did not have a chance to apologise.He kept calling me to inquire about the flu but would not talk personal matters. I did not ask to see him either. He called the last time about 10 days ago (we still have NOT seen each other after the fight!). He was ANGRY and told me he was travelling. (Usually I know ALL his travel plans but this time he was calling from the airport, i.e. he ignored to tell me he was travelling).I told him Oh OK. I am sorry I have a lot of problems at the moment. He told me '' I am sincere and very willing to help you. Please let me know if you need me.He then also sent me message saying he was genuinely willing to be there for me.I ignored his message. And have not spoken to him since.In the past, I would have PLEADED with him and said I am so sorry. This time I DID NOT CALL. Everytime I think of calling him, something stops me. probably I am scared of going back to being with him.He has stopped calling. Maybe because he had enough of my nasty character, OR, he is waiting for me to make the first step , especially that he DID offer his support EVEN THOUGH I was the one to insult him and I never even apologised.What is happening? Do I call to apologise? What if he is nasty? I don't want to argue with him. Will seeing him open up a can of worms?Is it NICE to just dump him after 9 months ? He gave me so much? or, did HE dump me and was just calling to enquire about the flu. I am confused. I am sorry about the LONG post. Just felt like unloading. thanks for any input.
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male
reader, DV1  +, writes (26 May 2007):
 No guy would ever call just to inquire about the flu. He had intentions of saying something more important when he called, and lost the confidence to say it. He was probably trying to fix things. You need to call him NOW if you want to save your relationship. He may already be moving on. If he hasn't, you need to apologize, even when he says that he accepts it. Show him every day if he accepts you back into his life. You need to make up for what you've done to be able to be back in his life. As far as treating him badly, you made a choice. There are no excuses, and no reasons(besides mental deficiency) as to why you would do treat anyone like you did. If he was good to you, you should have been good to him, and you made a choice, keep in mind, a clear and logical choice(meaning you considered the outcome and consequences) to act that way.
If you really want him back, you're going to need to fight like hell to get him back, not to mention keep him. If you love him, go prove it to him.
DV1
A
female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (26 May 2007):
Hi, the back and forth commotion of your relationship is something very familiar and common. Just because you got flu and you didn't have the chance to make it up with him, but that he communicates with you to tell you he is there for you, means he realises he sees through your demon. You have a shit presence that is part of you and you go mental with people, whether they are being nice or not. Somewhere you have some hidden anger issues and all I can say is you are extremely fortunate to have even a friend who wants to support you. He isn't offering himself as your lover, but as your friend. Go and define what your issue is within yourself...go and see a counsellor. It may take just one or two sessions but given what you've described of your companion, I am sure he would be positive and supportive of your choice. Being angry and aggressive at people is to do with anger at something in your life never resolved or something you've never come to terms with. I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): Chances are, he'd probably take you back. His life is probably very boring without all your arguments and unpredictable ways.But it isn't a healthy relationship, which is what I think was the question. You have to deal with your issues regarding relationships before you settle down into committed, long term relationships. Most relationships start off with the honeymoon phase, in which stupid stuff like relationship phobias and personal/private/sensitive issues are tactfully avoided, to the detriment of the relationship. Which is why I recommend that people learn how to be friends first and lovers later. If you love him and he loves you, the two of you should try becoming friends. Friends can talk to one another when lovers often can't. And friendships are often the basis for great marriages.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): Hi,
Im not going to tell you if you should dump him or stick with him because I am not in your shoes and therefore, you are the only one who knows the most about it.
To me, it sounds that first and for most, you may or are unhappy with yourself and so, being unhappy, you dont have respect towards yourself. Thus, you dont respect this man that you are having problems. Lets say that you may not like him, it is better to be nice and say it nicely as opposed to being all rude and just moody about it. And, if you do like him, you should know better than that, of course.
Sickness is no excuse for having the heart to apologize, wouldnt you expect someone to apologize if they were rude to you? Well, that applies to you too. An apology is a nice action to start off with, regardless if you will be with him or not.Im sorry to hear that you are sick and hope is all that you get better.
You need to look at yourself, and see that you sound very unhappy, and change that because no else can help you with that except yourself.
Best of luck, and get better. *hugs* Everyone deserves a hug in their life!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): Do you really love this man? If you answer Yes, make that first step and contact him! You don't want to give up the 'best thing that could ever happen to you', do you? He sounds like a patient man. In all honesty, I don't think he dumped you, hun..quite the contrary. But I do think he may be giving up-he may need time to think. Your behaviors were hurtful to him, and they are getting in the way of allowing you to have a happy, respectful, decent, normal relationship with this man, who obviously loves you. I am not laying blame on anyone here. I will say, you are a troubled person because you seem to have this habit emotionally cutting off your bf. Why are you doing that? You state that 'relationships scare me". They scare all of use, hun but we all take the risk. Some of us even experience deep pain from past relationships. Please realize, that sometimes there is no life without risk and pain. We have all been there. But understand, we have a choice as to what we do with that pain. We can take it, we experience it, we survive it and we grow, instead of allowing it to take us down and make us angry. The measure of you as a valuable, good woman should've been that you would never, ever cause pain to others through abusive, angry behaviours. So I will say, the way you are acting towards him, is a 'choice' on your behalf. Emotional cutoff to loved ones is a very a common method of coping, with a greater pain that needs to be dealt with. So I would suggest you get some counseling and see if you can resolve what has happened to you, that has caused this. If I were you, I would call him up and ask to meet with him so you could tell him, how sorry you were for any pain caused. He is your beloved, your aim is to have a restored relationship with him, not count who’s right or who was wrong here. He may or not may not even respond to you right away. But when you grasp the goodness of him and see him in another light, it will help you drop your emotional defenses and helps you display respect and compassion to him. I hope you are able to reach out to him in a loving, giving way and please if you do-keep on making this a good habit. Take care my dear and the best of luck to you both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): maybe try and talk to him calmly see where things stand.
if you feel like the relationship is dysfunctional why not consider therapy to talk through everything and see if you can make things work between you.
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