A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and nine months. I am 39, he is 33. It has been absolutely wonderful. I have never felt as adored and loved in a relationship before and I reciprocated those feelings back to him. Things have been strained for a couple months due to outside factors. I lost my job in late November and the strain of that and all the holiday obligations have been hard on me and on him. I don't think it really hit me until January. I was sad and I didn't feel in control of my life so I started to control his and our future. I have never been the controlling or nagging girlfriend up until this point and with some reflection I realize why I was treating him this way. Just little things about hanging out with his buddies or drinking too much. Stuff that didn't bother me before. I realize this was my mistake and would like to chance to explain that to him and that I can fix it. It is important for me and him that I put a real effort into finding a new job. I am committed to kicking these down months to the curb, working simultaneously on me and us.The other issue, somewhat related is that we had been talking about moving in together (he said I could move in anytime I wanted), making forward progress in our relationship this year (an engagement) and a wedding next year, then maybe a child. I instigated the specifics/timetable of this talk but he has always talked about spending the future and his life with me in a long term sense, just never specifics of when and how. I kind of pushed on that front, mostly due to pressures I'm feeling from family and friends as I'm getting older. Anyway, he seemed cool with all of this talk of our future for a couple weeks, then ten days ago I got a text that we need to talk. Terrified I called. I told him I didn't want to come down to his place if he was just going to break up with me. He said he couldn't guarantee anything. He can be rash sometimes and I told him I didn't want him making a decision he would regret later. He's also had a little work stress lately, although not excessive. We talked on the phone for quite awhile. He basically said a baby was on the bottom of the priority list for him and he wasn't sure he was ready yet for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be. His parents had a horrible divorce. He said he tries to sell himself on all of this but can't quit take the next step. He told me once that if he can't marry me he can't marry anyone. He wasn't super emotional in the phone call. He said how much he cares for me but didn't use the word love "because of what we're talking about." I told him briefly that I had no idea all of this pressured him so much, if I had I wouldn't have pushed...I thought he was cool with it. I told him we don't have to do things the way other people do them. The important thing is we are together. I truly believe we are meant for each other. I don't need a piece of paper to prove my love. We know couples who have committed, non-marriage relationships and not having a child is not a dealbreaker for me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I actually said that last bit to him in the conversation. I'm scared he thinks it is a dealbreaker. What we didn't really get at was if this is just about not wanting marriage/baby or not wanting a committed relationship with me. Everything he's ever done points to the fact that he wants the latter. We are not in our twenties and have both been through serious relationships before. I don't know if this reversal is because of all the pressure he is feeling combined with me being more needy because of the job thing, or because he no longer has feelings for me (two days before the "talk" he told me he loved me). Anyway, it was late and we ended the phone call not fighting and we didn't break up.He hasn't contacted me since. I sent a text three days later saying I know I've been controlling and am trying to give him space. That I miss him and want to get past this. That we're an amazing couple and I think we can work through this and be stronger for it. He did not respond. I sent one other text four days after that saying hello and I missed him. Also no response. I have not contacted him since. I really want to give him some space if that's what he needs and I don't want to pressure him. I went to his house yesterday to give him a Valentine and noticed he still has all the photos of us up on the front table. I kind of view that as a sign that he doesn't think we're broken up yet. I ended up not leaving the Valentine, deciding it would come across as too pushy. He should know how much I love him, everyday, not just Valentine's Day. I also received an email from his sister yesterday saying she hopes we had a great Valentines and that he spoiled me, so he obviously hasn't told his family anything. They love me, and I them. They all thought this was it for him.So, it's been eleven days no contact. I'd like some insight on what's going on if anyone has been in a similar situation, especially in their 30s. Is it over? How much time does he need to think? Is he even thinking? Do guys miss us when we're not around? Do men fall out of love that quickly? I think our issues are completely fixable but do guys want to put forth the effort and communication necessary for that? Thoughts?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2011): Hi there. I am in exactly the same situation but with something of a role reversal. I was/am (you see, I don't know either) together with my partner for one year. She is 39 and I am 41. Unlike you, I have a child from a previous marriage, a lovely 12 year old girl while my partner is childless but wants children. We live 2 hours from each other, me in London and she on the coast. We had a wonderful, caring and loving relationship and our love for each other was in no doubt. Just last week over dinner she had something of a breakdown saying how she felt "squashed" between my, my ex-wife and my mother. She had mentioned this a few times previously so I had made sure that there were no interruptions for car runs etc while we were together. She also complained that if she moved up to London to be with me she would give up everything and I, in turn, would give up nothing at all. She is very close to her parents, who are in their eighties and wants to be near them. The evening ended by her hugging me, kissing me and saying she loves me but she has to go. A few days later I drove down to her house and rang the bell in the morning carrying breakfast with me. She let me in, seemed at least not angry, and we talked. I offered to move down to Canterbury, a town about half an hour from her. This way, I could still get to work in London and spend two evenings a week with my daughter and every other weekend. Sensing commitment problems, I stressed that she did not need to move in with me in Canterbury. Well, she said she would think about it seriously. That was a week ago and nothing since then apart from a facebook posting which said: "I'm working on it". Any ideas?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ladies for your insight. I don't think the job loss issue was about money as he has a good job. It was more about me having something independent and separate from him. He was really supportive of me when I lost the job, said he didn't love me because of a career. It wasn't until the last month that it started to bother him as I still hadn't found a new one and that's when I started becoming more controlling, etc. I realize why I was doing that and it was completely unfair to him. Putting pressure and timetables at a year and a half were also ridiculous. I realize the mistakes I've made. I realize I need to put attention into myself...really looking hard for a new job, perhaps talking with a counselor about my self-esteem, admitting I won't have a child. I don't believe you toss a partner to the curb when you hit a bumpy patch. I believe in working through things together. I can make a concerted effort to better myself while remaining in the relationship. Backing off any timeline until we're both ready for marriage.
In answer to your question Shania, I waited to start a family because I had never had a really strong relationship where I wanted to bring a child into the world. A victim of circumstance, a victim of mistakes I made in my 20s and early 30s. I know women have babies solo but I'm not sure that's for me. I have a strong family network but that's an awful lot to ask for help from them so I can provide financially. It's sad but it's the truth. That's part of the reason his not wanting a child is okay with me. I've already come to terms that if he doesn't want one I won't have one.
Aside: He texted me yesterday. Wants to meet in person this weekend to talk this through. Sounds like he has made up his mind but said he will be open-minded. He thinks I have a timetable for a baby and marriage and says he can't do that timetable. I don't have a timetable. And agree now I need to do some work reestablishing myself and a career before thinking marriage. I would like to do that with him at my side.
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A
female
reader, CANDY61 +, writes (16 February 2011):
I think he was just there for the money because when you lost your job that told the hold story, he treated you tho if he loved you to keep the money rolling, if he love you he does not need time to think, if he love you he does not need space, if he love you he would have tried to work thing out when you lost your job, if he love you he would have stepped up to the plate, maybe he does not want to be married or have a baby by a women that much older than him and maybe he does not want a woman taking his pants off him and putting a skirt on him.I think in order to get him back tell him you do not want to get married, tell him you do not want a baby and you will need a good JOB. Case close! Not trying to make you feel bad but trying to get you to see the light because a 39 year old woman should have seen this.Be Blessed
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): You are marginalising your needs and aspirations for a man who hasn't much to offer you. You are effectively negotiating for crumbs. You’re compromising in order
to make the relationship work but it’s for all the wrong reasons, and he’s still going to mark you down for it. You’re competing for his attentions and affections and essentially validating yourself on how successful you are
at holding on to him and getting commitment out of him which means that as the relationship falters, so does your
self-esteem, and it feeds into the belief that you’re just not good enough.
At the end of the day they care as much as they are capable of caring, love as much as they capable of loving, and promise as much as they are capable of promising, which in the grander scheme of things doesn’t amount to much of anything. Knowledge is power and with power comes the strength to admit that it is time to hang up the saddle and stop flogging a dead horse. Don’t be depressed, don’t be gloomy, don’t be sad, don’t feel negative because
that is not going to help you. Use the knowledge that you have about him not wanting a future with you to take action and make significant changes to your life. Use the knowledge to stop loving them and to start loving yourself!
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (16 February 2011):
 When money goes out the window, love goes out the door...just an old saying but it rings some truth. Personally, I think a year with your man isn't long enough to be thinking of marriage and babies,its far too soon for a man to be thinking along those lines.You lost your job and you started to control him....ok you regretted that but it happened....then the marriage and the baby bit obviously made him run to the hills.Ok, I know your biological clock is ticking away but may I ask you why you left it so late to start a family?
Ok, so he hasn't contacted you for 11 days...leave it for another week...if he hasn't made any contact until after that week then it looks like he doesn't want to continue with the relationship.You though....do need some closure in all this....so contact him and ask him straight out if you two have a future together? If he says no...then he means no.....remember, you need to know one way or the other.
My hunch is...this man isn't for you.
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