A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can people ever change, and if they can how do you know they have really changed? I ask because for the past six years I have been on/off with my ex boyfriend. We met at school and our relationship began when we were 17. At first, everything was great. We were together for two years, and both our families supported us when we had our child. I was only 18, so it was extremely hard for us but we had the love and support we needed, and we managed. However when our child was around 5 months old, things changed. His father was more interested in nights out and chatting to other girls via social media and text. I knew that having a child so young had been hard on him, and given everything that had happened, I ended the relationship.After a while, he asked me to start again, and I agreed as long as his behaviour improved. His behaviour improved and we even got engaged, but after another year or so, he decided he wanted to have a break, as he felt things between us were too serious. Because clearly, having a child and getting engaged, I did all by myself.I ended things for good between us then as I had already been let down by him before and I didn't want to hurt our child. Now two years down the line, he has seemingly changed completely. He is always at my home seeing his son, constantly helping me out, he has a savings account that he has set up so he can buy his own home one day, he just doesn't seem like the same guy he was when he first messed up. He has made it clear he wants our relationship to start again, and has been trying to arrange for us to spend time alone, to talk about things. I want to do the best thing for my son, and while it seems like he has changed, I believed that last time and he did for a short while, but he quickly couldn't take the pressure of having a family life.
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female
reader, Athena1989 +, writes (25 February 2015):
'Leopards never change their spot' but then people aren't leopards so they can change IF they have the motivation and the want to change.Your son's father (and yourself) were both very young when your son was born but whereas you became a mother it would seem as though part of his boyhood was still taking control of his fatherly duties, which isn't wrong but it also isn't right considering he let these take control. It has been said that it is harder for a father to adjust then a mother because they do not have the same bonds as a mother and child but it also can depend on how much the father wants to be a father. It would seem that now your partner has grown up and realised that he has a son - the most precious thing in the world- and it has taken time but he would seem as though he has matured. I think take things slowly - talk about what you want, a constant in your life and your sons, a partner and a friend. Do not expect him to give up his friends or his freedom but let him know that you do not expect these to take first place again - your family must come first! Especially now that your son is getting older because if he leaves again it will fall on you as to why he has gone and your son - wrongfully- may blame himself. You need to understand what the other one wants and realise that even though you are partners and parents there is still an individual who needs freedom and space - maybe compromise on freetime if he, or even you, need it - maybe one day a week you have date night together or you spend an evening with friends but your son must come first. DO not rush into anything- put marriage and relationships on the burner for now until you have both expressed what you want. You have all the time in the world and when your son sees you trying he will know that you are both there for him and you are both trying. And in the end you may just fall back into a relationship but give each other a chance - you're both older and wiser and you need to adjust to the changes that you would have both made in the time you have been apart. Time and communication are key!
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