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female
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*herry1234
writes: I'm having heavy petting sessions with a married associate of my ex-husband's. They are okay associates. My ex and I are working on reconciliation in regards to our relationship. What troubles me is that I enjoy the other guy's company both intimately and mentally. I feel that I should stop seeing him privately and behind our significant other's back. Just for note, should I feel guilty because of the situation, hanging out with a married man except for the fact that both of our spouses did the same to us some time ago, cheated on us with people on their jobs. Let me kow what you think.
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female
reader, sherry1234 +, writes (24 January 2006):
sherry1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your well sounded advice. The craziest thing is that only one person really touched on how I was feeling, and that was Dazzerg, a man, thank you Sir. Everyone else were equally caring but I didn't feel the connection. The one theme in each of the responses is that I should re-evaluate my decision in regards to reconciliation with my ex husband, and I agree. I have to think a little longer about all of this, I hope I make the right decision. Thank you everyone for your swift exchange and I look forward to asking more questions in the future. Chao!Sherry1234
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2006): You need to overcome the hurt and anger engendered by your ex-husband's past infidelities against you by telling him directly and working on this issue. Having affairs and involving the lives of other people to get back at him, is just plain 'meanness'. As this sits right now, your 'acting out' behaviours will just continue to undermine the solidarity, intimacy and cooperative work needed by you and your husband to sustain a future for your marriage. Right now, you are not ready for a reconciliation with your ex-husband, dear. Not when you are dangerously acting out in this way with another woman's husband. Revenge is your excuse to behave badly and it's a part of an painful anger process you haven't dealt with, in regards to your ex-husband's past infidelities. You feel entitled to cause pain and hurt others, dear and that's just plain wrong! You realize by thinking this way, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose. You could destroy another man's marriage and his family-you could destroy any chance of reconciliation with your husband if his wife gets wind of this affair and tells him. Why would you take such a chance with your own happiness and playing with other people's lives? Quit displacing your hurt onto other people. Staying obsessed with thoughts of revenge toward your ex-husband is keeping you locked in pain and hinders you from moving on, because you are not dealing with your feelings toward him. If this is the case, discussing your hurt and anger with your ex-husband, and possibly with a professional, can help you heal. Learn to live honorably and back away from this married man. My suggestion is: Dump the burden of guilt by dumping the married guy, first. This clears the way to helping you start the process of trying to reconcile with your husband. But first-go down to the counseling office and get yourself into individual counseling and then you and your husband into marriage counseling. Anger resolvement, communication issues, and intensive trust rebuilding should be the focus. One last thing you need to know is..you can't change all of the people that make you hurt and sad, dear. But you can change yourself. Start the process of finding your 'own' happiness by looking inward. If that process does not involve your husband, then so be it. Just make the promise, to live your live with respect for yourself and others. Good luck and take care.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, Kated101 +, writes (23 January 2006):
To me it sounds as if this reconcilliation is a mistake. You obviously want to explore your single life more, meet some people, have some fun. Theres no reason for you to feel guilty just because you want to enjoy yourself.
However, I do believe you should let your ex know that you're not ready for this reconcilliation just yet, though you may be in the future.
Also, as DAzzerg said, past injustices do not excuse cheating. You've been the other woman before and you know how much it hurt to find out you were being cheated on. Surely you don't want to cause any other woman to feel this way?
I suggest you do enjoy yourself a bit more, going out meeting men, having fun, just don't bring this other man into the equation, because it just seems like you are both seeking revenge, and two wrongs dont make a right.
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (23 January 2006):
 Well as I understand it you are still technically single and so at least you are not cheating. You may be 'working on reconcilliation' but until you are reconciled, in my eyes, you are still single and this constitutes exploration of other options. On the other hand he is not so there is no way to get around the fact he is coming close to cheating. I am not sure how heavy these petting sessions are so on that level it is hard to say. If you are just enjoying each others company then that is fine. However if it goes beyond that you do get into a position where he is cheating, even if you are not.
I don't think past injustices excuse cheating. They explain it and make it more understandable but that is different to excusing something. Obviously you both forgave your partners at some point and part of that is the understadning that you will not retaliate. I would say that from your point fo view you need to decide whether you actually want reconcilation and if you do focus on that and if you don't then you can think about other options.
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