A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for nearly 2 years. We were talking about marriage..etc. He has been divorced for over 10 years and has a 10 year old Autistic son from his previous marriage. He is a dedicated father and pays child support plus has his son once a week and every other weekend without fail.When I started dating him, he was completely honest and forthcoming with his situation. (i.e.: Ex wife, Autistic son..etc.) I was willing to accept all of this because I really love him.4 days ago he told me that a crazy ex girlfriend has named him in a paternity suit. This woman is claiming to have had his child who is now 18 months old. Which based on my calculations would have been born 5 months after we started dating. This means she would have conceived AFTER he moved out from living with her. Their relationship did not end well. He moved out on her because she had some violent tendencies. Knowing him and how committed he is to his first son, I know that he never would have moved out on her if he knew she was pregnant. Needless to say, the results of the Paternity test are still pending.Part of me thinks he just unloaded a whole other set of baggage on the table and I am not sure I am in for the long haul on this if it turns out to be his kid. An ex wife, an Autistic son, a crazy ex girlfriend, and another son is an awful lot for one person to deal with. I am experiencing a whole range of emotions and I have a lot of questions. I just don't know how best to handle this situation. Why is she all of a sudden coming forward with all if this? If she thought he was the father, to begin with, why wouldn't she have told him sooner? She would certainly know how seriously he takes his commitment to his first son. Of course he would do the right thing by another child --- if it turns out to be his.I haven't been able to eat or sleep for the last 4 days. I feel such an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. I have been trying to give him a little space to try to deal with all of this drama.Any thoughts on how best to handle this situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): You stated that he was divorced over 10 years ago but his son is only 10 years old. So was that child conceived after the marriage ended? If he continued a sex life with his ex girlfriend after he left their home, then this more recent child could well be his. In this day and age it would be a very silly woman that lied about paternity because it is so easily verified. Why she would wait so long to make this claim is any ones guess. Maybe try asking her. Ive always viewed with suspicion, folk who refer to an ex as crazy. More often than not a better choice of word would be mad...as in angry...and usually with good reason.I hope for your sake this woman is making a false claim but something sounds `off` about it all. So be prepared for the worst. If he is the father and you decide it is all too much for you, no one would blame you for wanting to move on and find someone more suited.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): How can you be certain "he wouldn't have walked out if he knew she was pre". Seems to me he did walk out on his first sons mother and could do this to you as well. I would hold off on conceiving a child with him for quite some time, years. Or you should walk away and start with someone fresh that wont have to pay child support, cause if you marry the bill is also yours and your income will be considered as well.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 December 2011):
 The answer to how to handle the situation hinges entirely and absolutely on the results of the paternity test.
If the child is proven to be his, break up with him, because then it would be clear that he cheated on you five months into your relationship. Doesn't matter one bit if it's his ex. Cheating is cheating, and 5 months is enough to establish exclusivity in a relationship, especially if you and he were sexually active 5 months into dating or earlier.
Another thing -- it's interesting to me that she's now bringing this up to him. You've been dating for 2 years, and if the "conception" happened 5 months into your relationship, that means that the child would now be 15 months old...entering the toddler stage. What provoked her to contact him to tell him now of all times and not when the kid was a newborn? I'd be interested in what the trigger is to cause her to do this, and "She's crazy" isn't good enough. Have they been continuing contact?
If the child is his, that means he cheated on you and should be dropped. Do not be in it for the long haul.
If the child isn't his, and she's truly got a screw loose, it's up to your boyfriend to tell her never to contact him under threat of restraining order. It's one thing to put up with baggage of an ex-wife and child. However, you do not have to put up with a crazy ex.
I'm sorry this happened. I hope the child isn't his for your sake. If it is, you should move on and let him handle his mess on his own, because his cheating on you should not stand.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (30 December 2011):
 First wait for the paternity test.
Then:
- If the child is not his, be happy.
- If the child is his, consider what you would be losing if you said you couldn't cope with him having two children. His one son is only every other weekend. That is not a lot. And how good he is with him is only something to love him for. Probably best would be to have your own family with him. Then you wouldn't feel like a strange outsider.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): This guy is a mess, he has a lot of baggage. If she was such a crazy violent woman how come there's even the possibility that he got her pregnant, what does that say about HIM, the choices he makes and how he chooses to live his life?
I notice he's acknowledging there is a possibility he's the father. Which means he did sleep with her after their relationship supposedly ended, and also even though she is supposedly crazy and violent. That speaks volumes about HIM and his questionable judgment and his way of living. And if you're right that had he known she was pregnant earlier he would never have left her despite her violent tendencies, this is not exactly speaking well of him because it means he has unhealthy ideas of what relationships are and will perpetuate toxic relationships rather than find healthier solutions. clearly he has a lot of emotional baggage. And if you stay with him it will be your baggage too even though you didn't do anything to cause it.
He only told you about this 4 days ago. How long has he known about it? Did he only tell you after the paternity suit was filed? Had they been in contact regarding this child before this?
I think before you decide what to do you need more information on how things came to be this way and what his role was in all this. He's not a totally innocent victim, he put himself in this position. And realize that if the child is his, then this supposedly crazy and violent woman will be forever a part of his life, their lives will be intertwined forever unless he legally signs away his parental rights.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2011):
 Who knows why she does what she does.
he sounds like a stand up guy... and I agree you can't do anything or worry about it till the paternity test comes back..
is he saying there is a chance he's the father?
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A
male
reader, tobson +, writes (30 December 2011):
I agree with worldlywise. Take a step away and wait what happens. I would not be surprised if that woman would use a paternity claim as means of hurting him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): I would wait for the paternity results before you make a decision.She doesn't sound the reliable type.
I actually think you have taken on enough of his baggage - you love him thats clear, so hopefully it will work out.
We all have our limits though and if you reach yours,if it is his child, do not be afraid to tell him you can't cope with anymore.
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