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female
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anonymous
writes:why cant i forget an affair my husband had 20 years ago we are happy now but its alwas in the back of my mind
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 February 2023):
 To put it simply the trust barrier was broken and once this happens the damage is often irreparable.
Trust is the most important contributing factor that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship normally takes a downward spiral.
What you do now is ultimately your call. You have lived with this for the last 20 years knowing what happened. I assume you would have left him when you found out he was unfaithful but you chose to stay.
Its something that i guess will always be on your mind, its not something you forget. But i suppose after 20 years you have just learnt to live with it, as you say you are both happy now.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 February 2023):
 I saw this somewhere once which I thought explained it perfectly.
Take a pristine new sheet of paper. Take a look at it. Perfect, yes? Now take it and screw it up as tightly as you can. Now put it down and smooth it out again. Is it the same as it was? Of course not. It has marks and scars all over it. It's better than it was but it can NEVER be the same again.
This is what happens when your trust is broken, when you discover someone is capable of hurting you. While the initial gut-wrenching hurt fades with time and effort, the scars remain.
I've heard therapists advise people in similar situations to try to replace thoughts that hurt with pleasant memories made since the pain occurred. Apparently, if you keep doing this consistently, in time, your brain will learn to dwell on the pain less and on the happy memories more. You will never forget but you may be able to learn not to dwell on the pain so much.
Stay strong. You are a survivor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2023): When your trust is violated by someone you truly love, the betrayal leaves a very deep wound. Sometimes that scar doesn't completely heal. Anyone who tells you that you'll ever forget, or should forget it; isn't being fair or truthful. Unforgiveness can entrap you, and feed into silent-resentment for years and years.
You may never forget it; but if you've decided to remain with the man who cheated on you, your forgiveness has to be from the heart. If it's only superficial for the sake of keeping him, and to avoid being alone; then you will never get over what he did. You will harbor bitterness, and that will build into resentment. Leading to outright hatred. In simpler terms, you're bearing a grudge that is eating at you.
You want to keep your husband, but I would imagine you really want to punish him for what he did. I've been in your shoes, and I know that feeling. I was much younger at the time; so I had youthful resiliency. I could forgive and forget much easier. I now have to seek prayer and meditation as a means of freeing my soul from the grip of unforgiveness. Not everyone chooses that option. They need something more scientific. To each his/her own; but what I've found works for me.
I literally caught my partner in the act! I'm not going to be all high and mighty, and tell you I got over it 100%. It took time to regain my trust and to forgive, but I refused to be entrapped in my bitterness and resentment. I have this thing about allowing other people power over my feelings and emotions. I just can't allow it. I have to free myself of the traps people set for me. That's just me! Forgiveness is not easy; but it sets you free. I don't know about you, but I have to have my peace of mind.
Twenty years is a long time; and if you haven't gotten past it by now, you really haven't forgiven him. You're stuck in your unforgiveness, hurt, and anger. You're pretending to be happy; and putting on a face in order to keep-up an image of a happy marriage. Little things slip and will tell on you! Especially, when he upsets you!
If you practice faith, seek counsel with your religious ministry to work on how to free your soul through forgiveness. Seek prayer. Sometimes it helps to see a therapist to vent your deepest feelings and release your pain; because you consistently have to put-on a happy-face for your husband. In order to make him think you've fully forgive him, when you really haven't.
You have my deepest empathy. It must be exhausting and painful for you. The resentment has to manifest in some kind of unhealthy behavior. You're probably suspicious, feel anxious when he's out alone, and worry if he'll ever do it again. You probably feel uneasy when he's too close, or too friendly with other women. That's normal, don't feel bad for what comes natural to all human beings. It's when you can't let-go of pain and resentment. When you can no longer trust. That's an illness. He inflicted part of that pain; and the burden of unforgiveness is self-inflicted.
I recommend that you get some professional-counseling to get you over the hump. Don't be afraid to share your feelings with your husband. He needs to know how deeply he has hurt you; but he shouldn't be punished with guilt, or held in contempt indefinitely. He has a right to atone for what he did; and you chose to remain his wife. You don't remain around people you cannot forgive. You'll have to put a safe distance between you to protect yourself; but you still have to reach a place of forgiveness for your own sake. Living in bitterness and pain is burdensome and depressing. You can fake-it for only so long; then suddenly your facade starts to crumble. You'll suddenly lose-it at the most unexpected, and most inconvenient time!
Getting counseling doesn't always mean you have to stay in therapy for years; but you are internalizing your resentment against the man you sleep next to. You've been stuck in it for 20 years! We here at DC can only offer you support and comfort; but you need someone professionally qualified to help you deal with your emotional-trauma and distress. It is crucial for your mental-health, your physical health, and emotional well-being. It is also important in order for your marriage to survive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 February 2023):
 Because it was a betrayal.
We can forgive, forgetting is not an option. It happened. You know it, HE knows it.
What you DO with that knowledge is up to you.
You CHOSE to stay. You CHOSE to forgive.
When it pops into your head what do you do? Get a little sad and shake it off? Get mad at him and pick a fight or what?
It honestly sounds like you forgave in WORDS - sorta 80% forgiveness and now the 20% lingers. It's not uncommon to carry this around. However, YOU are not the one who should carry this burden, HE is. So If I were you I would consider this. If you two MADE it work despite an affair, you two might be stronger together than most.
It's in the past, I'd say pack it up when you are reminded of it. Acknowledge (in your head) that yes, that happened, it sucked but you two OVERCAME it.
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