A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I'm quite confused and ambivalent right now regarding the relationship with my girlfriend, and I would like some advice.I met her back in 2006. Before that, she used to live in a different city but her parents asked her to move so she could finish college. She lived in a rented house together with her sister, and I lived with my parents.On one side, she's very smart and a nice person to be with. She earned a post-graduate degree in nursing, knows how to cook very well and is very friendly. Her looks aren't great (weight issues) but I look past that, and after some dates I decided we should give it a try and enter a relationship. On the other side, she has family issues. She has a low self image (due to her weight) and low confidence. Her father cheated on her mother and since then her family has nearly dismantled. She seems to be the people-pleaser type, always helping everyone but themselves.Fast forward a few months. My mother then asked her to move in with us. I told both that I believed this would be a very bad idea and that it could destroy the relationship, but I eventually agreed to give it a try. Contraty to my beliefs (and past experiences) though, things went smoothly for some 3 years. Then, I had a very heated argument with my parents (nothing to do with the relationship or my girlfriend; I just found out that they weren't the kind of person I tought they were) and decided to move out. She moved in with me and I started a new chapter on my life.We usually go along very well, but for the past few months I've been thinking a lot about this relationship, researching relationships in general and thinking whether ours has a future. The issues at hand so far are:1. She definitely wants to marry me, even though I said to her, from the first day on, that I'm not into that.I asked why she kept going even though I clearly did not wanted a marriage. "I tought you could change your mind" was her answer. And she still thinks I will change my mind.2. Very different levels of self image and confidenceI read that a LSE person needs lots of reinforcement, and that this constant reinformecent could be a huge drain for the partner. I'm a very independent person (even financially) and I'm always trying to cheer her up but sometimes it just gets frustrating and I want out.3. We have different core valuesWe both work at home. I have a home-based business and she does odd jobs. I don't mind paying all the bills and she helps me whenever she can. She's not high maintenance, either. But there's one thing that bothers me: she does not seem interested in pursuing any of her bigger dreams, like buying a car. I've already equipped my office, bought my first vehicle (fully paid) and I'm now planning for a second one. She OTOH just keeps complaining that she does not earn enough in a month. I believe that even if she had a fixed job and could afford to pay for a car, she would still say that she's not earning enough, or would just not go after it at all.4. She won't talk about her feelingsI try to keep an open communications line but she just does not talk about her feelings or what upsets her. She usually talks to her friends, though. Maybe she fears that she'll lose me?5. I might be wrong but she may not make a great motherOne day she was talking about having children. Just out of curiosity (as I don't want to get married or have children) I asked her how would she raise a child since she has no fixed job. She told me "I'll think about this later. If my mom could do it, so can I." I was shocked by this response as I'm used to plan ahead of things, and I believe marriage and children are two things that definitely should be planned beforehand.6. Sometimes I wonder if she's with me because she really likes me, or because she's not confident enough to go after someone elseEven though I said I don't want a marriage, she is still with me. She says she'll marry me someday. So, what's up?7. We have different religious views (I'm an atheist)She does not force me to go to the church with her, but her being religious might be an issue.8. Her church gets in the wayDue to the fact that we're living together un-married, she cannot participate in some church activities such as organizing youth groups. So, I wonder if she wants to marry just so she can have "bragging rights".Now, in her defense I can say that she treats me very well, she cares for me (sometimes excessively) and is a fun person to be with. I just think that our personalities might not be compatible. Is this so, or I'm just overreacting? Is it possible to overcome these differences or they are irreconciliable? I know this question presents only a fraction of what our relationship looks like, far from what would be ideal to make an assessment, so if someone wants a clarification, just let me know.Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Philosophyzer  +, writes (15 August 2010):
 Well, I don't think it is very noble or nice to deny someone of a major life goal, such as having child. I would say that she would probably find that selfish. However, if that is what she truly wants and you never foresee yourself bending on the issue, then she needs to realize it. Major differences in life goals typically do not foster healthy, balanced relationships. However, if you can some how compromise, it can work.
Though, I agree with Sue. I think she is someone you deeply care for, but she is not THE person for you. I think if she were THE person for you, you might be more willing to consider marriage and kids, honestly. Granted, it is not for some people and it might not be for you. But I think you would entertain the ideas more easily. You get what I mean?
Regardless, you are very welcome! And, as this is a tought decision, I truly do wish you the best! Continue the updates and questions, if you feel necessary! Always here to help! :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies SueZ and Philosophyzer. I guess Philosophyzer nailed it mostly right. I need to analyze myself as well, see if I have esteem issues of my own. It's easier said than done, though.
We already talked about marriage and I guess I don't want to because I have a different view of it. I mean, I don't see it as a "path to happiness" or the like. I'm not into parenting as well, now or for the foreseeable future, so this brings the question: what are we going to make out of it? will this relationship ever work out? if she loves me that much, would it be fair to ask her to not be a mother? how do other couples deal with such differences?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Sometimes we meet someone who is a wonderful person, but is just not THE wonderful person for us...
You are an articulate intelligent man, and I know you have put considerable energy into analysing this, but I think in your heart you already know the answer.
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A
female
reader, Philosophyzer +, writes (9 August 2010):
I'm going to be blunt. You don't sound like you are in love with this girl at all. Instead of raving about a woman you are completely enamored with, you are doing a cost-benefit analysis as to whether you should keep her around or not.
You mention that you wonder if she has motives for wanting to get married or if she keeps you around because of her lack of confidence/self-esteem. Maybe she sticks with you because she loves you, despite your differences. Maybe she wants to marry you because she legitimately cares about you. People aren't always so sneaky and conniving, ya know.
Though, you don't sound physically attracted to her or mentally interested in her. But here is the bigger question: You say you think she stays with you because she has self-esteem issues. Well, then why have you stuck around with her for so long? Consider it.
If you want out and think this is going nowhere, you need to have a serious chat with this girl. You need to tell her your feelings and explain your opinion on the future of your relationship. Be frank, be honest. I'm sure this will bring her feelings to light, as well. Tell her your views on marriage and children. (But, if you really see no future of marriage, children, or growing old together, what is the point of this relationship? Maybe you should consider why you are so opposed to those ideas. Are you being stubborn and selfish? Or is there something rooted deeper as to why you are against this?)
But don't jump off the wagon just yet. Do some deep thinking and consider if you love this girl. You've spent a few years of your life with her. It's not something easily thrown away. You've been with her that long, obviously something is clicking.
If you continue with her: Maybe there are deeper issues going on within her than she lets on. Talk to her. Build a bridge, as I am guessing she has trust issues because of her father's actions. If you really love her and find her to be an exceptional person, always remind her of that. Sometimes people just need to hear it a lot to accept it. Plan your future goals together. Try to discover what her true long term dreams are, outside of owning a car. Guide her and help her foster her interests. This might lead to her finding a rewarding hobby or even a career. Discuss your religious differences and be open about your beliefs.
You have some serious thinking to do, though, my friend. Consider what I've questioned and said and, once you are sure, make your necessary moves. Think it through and make a plan. No one wants to be caught with their foot in the mouth. Best of luck! I hope it works whatever way you hope it to.
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