A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am looking to get advice strictly from those in a similar position. I have sought advice from friends, but as they can't relate, I feel like I am not getting sound advice.I am in a relationship of 6 months. We met online, and if not for this problem, would be close to perfect. He is an amazing man. That said, he broke news to me recently that the girl he was dating right before me, the one he stopped calling because of me, is having his child. He told me with tears in his eyes, as this is the last thing he or I wanted. (She told him she couldn't get pregnant, unbelievable). I specifically was looking for a man with no kids, because I did not want the baggage that comes with it. I took the news amazingly well, but did tell him that I could not predict how I would feel once everything unfolds. So basically the first half of our relationship was tainted by this dark news he was hiding. I asked if there was anything else he should tell me and he said no. A week or two later he asks if he can talk to me. He breaks it to me that she was digging and found out that he was dating me and blew up at him. He confessed he had told her that he was seeing no one. This was a real kick in the face. A second lie. Naturally I have trust issues now. He has smoothed things over with her because he wants to "be a good dad". They don't have concrete plans, she may or may not move because she has no family in town.I told him the only way we could make this work is with impeccable communication. He promised he would keep me up to date with everything and that when they text and talk it is not flirtatious. I have my doubts. Also, I have to play 20 questions with him to get any info about what is going on. I am having a VERY hard time with the fact that they talk and text, he is going to her doctors appts, and lord knows what else without my knowledge. I feel like it is a secret life I am not apart of. And I have no desire to get to know her. I am so resentful and hurt. I am really doubting whether I can handle this. I don't know what I am going to do when he goes to the birth. Can someone please fill me in on how they've dealt? Is it worth all this pain and hurt? Should I just get out now before the baby is born?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I should have been more specific, the first month and a half we were just dating. So he was dating her and me at the same time. She was never his girlfriend. I was dating other men too (not having sex with them), but with the online dating thing, you date multiple people until you find one you want to be exclusive with. He was phasing her out around the time he met me. He knew he didn't want to be with her. And after she told him she was pregnant he made it clear that he wouldn't be forced into a relationship because of the baby and they would not be together, but he would step up and be a dad to the child. The reason he told her he wasn't seeing anyone was because he didn't want to stress her out. (Stupid) And he admits now that it was a terrible idea to lie.
He tells me all the time he does not want her, and will not be with her in that capacity.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Walk away. You have been "seeing" him for 6 months, WHILE he had a GF? or how/when did she get knocked up?
Too much drama already if you ask me. Trust me on this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): yep I been there and done that. I was having an affair with a married man cos he said he was in the process of divorce. Then he got his wife pregnant. he had tears in his eyes when he told me too. He was bitter at how he was now trapped with her. (well no one told him to have unprotected sex with her) He waited 3 months into the pregnancy to tell me. I left him. His baby is now 8 months old. Ever since I left him he's trying to get me back, I play cool with him because my emotions are still all over the place. One day I'll feel as if his baby doesn't change the way he feels about me cos he's trying to hard to get me back so maybe it could work. The next day I think complete opposite that of course everything is changed now. Even if he does ever leave his wife (though I doubt it) I can't live with the fact that he will always have this baggage - an ex wife and their kid. there is just no way this can ever work, things have changed permanently.it's just not the same, a baby just makes the man forever bound to the woman he had the baby with especially if this is his first and/or only kid. Your man is playing happy family with her, because they ARE a family now. He's probably got renewed mushy feelings for her because he's going to be a dad for the first time. She's got one huge leg up from you which is that men feel proud of having offspring, and his is tied with her not you. she is the symbol of his masculinity cos she is the one he impregnated and produced offspring with. even if their relationship isn't happy overall (as evidenced by the fact that he's been cheating on her with you), it's obviously not all bad either and the kid brings more shared good times for them and makes them a family unit that compels him to stay with her to fit into the mold of a normal life. His priorities may actually change sincerely and he may decide to alter his life direction to be a typical family man.And even if none of the above is what's taking place in his mind, even if he really hates the fact that he's having a kid with her, still he can't leave her now that he has a baby with her as the world will judge him for being cruel and heartless and a bad father. He has to stay with her at least to keep up outward appearances since they have a baby. in order to stay with her, he will adapt himself to be comfortable with her for the long run.you should leave him now and not waste any more time on him. In future if he contacts you after he has for sure broken up with her for a long time and established his life as a single dad, you can consider a relationship with him, but anything else will be very messy and unlikely to lead to a good outcome for you.You should exit this relationship until he sorts himself out and extricates himself from his old relationship, on his own. If he does do so, then you can re-enter the picture without being involved in his drama with the baby momma. If he never does do it (and I don't think he will) then you will already be long gone and moved on.
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