A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for about 2 months and he's amazing. We laugh together the whole time, we have loads in common, he's fun, thoughtful and I find him really attractive. We just click, it's easy and effortless when we're together.I haven't felt this way about someone in a really long time and although it's early days, I could genuinely see myself with him for the long term. The one catch? The sex has been very underwhelming. When we're together, there's no passion or 'I want to tear your clothes off' feeling from him. As I am quite a sexual person, it's often me making the moves and there have been a few times when we've tried to have sex but the nerves or pressure has got to him. I've tried to hold back a bit and go at his pace but honestly, if I didn't make the moves, we probably wouldn't have sex at all. He is affectionate in other ways, we cuddle, spoon and kiss etc and he's always wanting to make plans to see me again so I think he does like me. We have spoken about it a bit and he says he does want to have sex with me but his libido has been a bit low at the moment and he's not sure why. I'm worried he's just not sexually attracted to me. Everything else is so great and I don't want to stop seeing him, but at the same time, sex is an important part of a relationship, especially in the early days. Is this a sign we're not sexually compatible? Can something like this get better with time? Is his low libido just a short term phase he's going through? I did ask if he was stressed or tired as I know these things can affect it but he said he can't put his finger on why he's feeling the way he is.
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female
reader, linmuir  +, writes (4 October 2021):
Why not just believe him? Men often simply tell the truth and then, for reasons no-one quite understands, women automatically assume there must be some other reason, different to what they say.
Or, to be fair, men often struggle to tell the whole truth or the whole story so maybe consider he is trying to tell you a bit more than what he is saying but feels embarrassed? Could be he is telling the truth but there's more to it. He may have erectile dysfunction or is depressed, or is simply a really decent guy who needs to take things much slower in order to really tune into you properly, and is making it out to be a temporary thing because he is so frightened you will leave him if he tells you the whole story. He may not even quite understand all of this himself. It does sound like you are putting way too much emphasis on sex and far too much pressure for someone who may, for whatever reason, not be feeling that great about themselves. You are effectively preparing the way for someone to experience full blown performance anxiety.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2021): I have had exactly this experience. My guy was great, we got on so well, everyone loved him, he was intelligent and decent and funny and successful, BUT, I never had the ripping your clothes off feeling with him either.Regardless we got engaged and moved in together. Everything gelled, his parents, my father, his children, we all got on. But my guy was like yours sounds like. Achieving orgasm wasn't an enjoyable thing for him, at least in part. It was like it HAD to happen or the world would end and so he felt pressure surrounding sex rather than pleasure. He was extremely good technically, but had no confidence. He couldn't do 'the throw down' as they called it on Sex and The City. On the whole it seems that women like a confident man in bed and he wasn't. It became a huge stumbling block where he once told me that the pressure of sex outdid the pleasure. I would go dancing once ot=r twice a week, always had done and my fiancee had no problem with it, until I met a very confident man who liked me and I liked him. We had the ripping each other's clothes off feeling and then some! Long story short, I left my fiancee for this man and we were together for five years. There was much that I loved about him and never lost my attraction for him, but he was abusive, in many ways and I had to leave. I still miss the first man I was engaged to, but I realise now, that we should just have been friends. I think that unless you have the 'chemistry' with someone, it won't work. I think the chemistry gets you through. If you could be happy with a no sex relationship then this might be great, but as you're a sexual person, years down the line, you'll miss the sex you'll wish you were having. Give it more time, certainly. Stories don't always have the same ending. Let him come to you, sexually. See if he does. If he doesn't, you'll have a choice to make. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (4 October 2021):
 Not every relationship is all hard core passion and tearing each others clothes off.
From what you have said he sounds like a really nice guy, and you both seem to fit in many ways, you laugh together and you have a lot in common, on top of many other nice qualities i'm sure he has.
If you ditched him then found someone who wants to tear your clothes off every time yo make out you could very well find that this guy is shallow and lacks the qualities that you share with the guy your dating now.
Yes i think that good sex can get better over time, i think that you should stick around and work on things with with him. He could just be suffering with performance anxiety with a new partner, i'm sure things will get better over time as you get to know each other better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 October 2021):
 Could be that he doesn't feel he knows you well enough for sex, to be honest. Many people want to be comfortable and familiar with a sexual partner. You can't know someone after 2 months.
Or maybe he feels like you are rushing him. Maybe it feels a bit "aggressive" from your end?
Maybe dial back on the sex.
Take it out of the equation and just get to know him. See if you pulling back will have him try and initiate.
It might also be that you two aren't compatible. At least sexually.
I'd say if you really like him otherwise, I'd stop the sex for another 2 months and see.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2021): thank yourself lucky you have a man who isnt in it just for the sex as most are. sex is important but its not everything and it soon wanes in time -so be thankful you have someone decent who seems to be compatible and take things steady and slow-i would rather have a man like yours than someone who continuously wants to bonk
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2021): i think you should stop worrying about it so much and be thankful you have a man who doesn't consider sex to be the be and end all it isnt its part of a relationship which can soon wane-i would rather have a man like yours who isnt in it just for the sex most are111
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