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female
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*sphodel
writes: I am 24 and have an amazing boyfriend. We have been together 10 months and we have everything I have ever wanted in a relationship-- an amazing connection on every level. We (I) only have one problem: his ex-girlfriend. They were together for 2 and a half years and lived together in the house he still lives in. They moved in together after just a few months of dating, when he bought the house and "needed a roommate," as he puts it. I know without a doubt that my boyfriend loves and adores me and that we are going to get married someday. But for some reason, I have a really hard time getting over his past. He has had two girlfriends before, whereas I have never really had a serious relationship. I have been waiting since, oh, junior high to meet the right guy, and I finally did and that's what it took for me to commit to somebody. I thought I was in love in high school, but that person was very manipulative and strung me along for years. Now I know what real love is because I have found that with my boyfriend. He is kind and funny and wonderful and he really gets me, and I know he feels the same way about me. All his friends tell me how I am the perfect girl for him, how I really let him be himself like his exes never did, etc. And these people are friends with the ex. Which brings me to the problem... she is around a lot. They all are from the same small town and have known each other for years, and I moved to the area a couple years ago from a different part of the country. Even though most of his friends have really welcomed me and I have become close to some of them, I occasionally feel like an outsider because they have all known each other so long, and whenever the old stories and "remember that time" things come up, I don't know what they are talking about and often have to hear about my boyfriend and his ex when they were together. I also get insecure that my boyfriend would still be with his ex had she not broken up with him. When we first met, he explained that even though things hasn't been right with them for a while, he took it really hard when she moved out. He assures me that after a couple months of sadness and then the occasional relapse, he realized that they were not meant to be more than friends and that he wanted a different kind of relationship, something more real. And logically I know this is true and that he has found what he wanted with me. We met about 8 months after they broke up and fell for each other pretty fast. So the problem is, although I know he loves me and I love him, and even though she has a new boyfriend (another of their friends, of course) I still get insecure whenever she is around, or when I find something of hers in the house (he has given me free reign to throw out anything he may have not noticed she left behind). Recently I found a letter he wrote her after she broke up, about how much he missed her, and I pretty much fell apart. I wasn't snooping, he asked me to get something for him and the letter was right there and i saw just a few lines and stopped reading. Anyway, even though I know that is all in the past, it hurts me to think of him missing her so much, being with her for so long, having such strong feelings for her, sleeping next to her every night. I guess that's because I waited all those years for him, and I wonder if when they got together he thought she was perfect for him the way I think he is perfect for me. It also hurts that they moved in together after just a few months, less time than he and I have been together now, and although I need a new apartment he says he isn't ready to live with me. I know every relationship moves at its own pace but I can't help but wonder why her and not me. He tells me that living with her and staying with her so long were mistakes he made because he was young, that he now knows true love with me and that they just stayed together out of comfort and convenience. He says it was never like it is with us. So why can't I accept this and get over it and not get upset when I see her or think of her or her name is mentioned? My boyfriend has done everything he can to make me as comfortable as possible, avoiding certain situations and reassuring me when I need him to. However, after all this time it still bothers me that she is around. I was getting panic attacks for a few months, which I have never had before in my life. Thankfully that isn't happening anymore, but I still do get upset and sad and jealous and insecure. Has anyone else been in this situation, or have advice on how to stop before I drive him away? Sorry for the novel, and thanks for sticking with it. My friends have all listened and been supportive, as has my boyfriend, but I would really like to hear from other women who have been in this situation and gotten through it without harming their relationship.
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female
reader, pixie13  +, writes (2 January 2012):
I just read this book I Hate His/Her Ex, I loved it, it really helped me as I was having loads of problems with my partner. You can get it on Amazon, kindle or other places. Definitely worth reading :)
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female
reader, vxj  +, writes (6 January 2011):
I am so thankful to have found other women that can relate to this. I'm still so surprised because I feel like I have wrote the same exact words at some point.
Like most of you, I have never had anything serious, but my current boyfriend has. I've dated many guys, but none of them lasted very long. He dated a girl for 3 years and lived with her for the last year. I've only been seeing him for a couple of months but things have gotten serious very quickly. Similiar to what the rest have said, my other friends tell me that I'm being ridiculous and I know that what he feels for me is far greater than what he feels for her even though I've been with him for much less time. Their relationship didn't even sound that good from what he told me. He broke up with her and got back together early on because he said there was no one else around. They broke up again when she studied abroad. Then they were together for a 2.5 years. He said she forced him to move in or break up and he didn't want to. But it still makes me sooo mad that he decided to do that-that she was still worth it to him. And he said that they were experiencing problems in within the first year, but they had grown dependent on each other. He made it sound like a bad thing but it still made me upset that they were so close.
And I love this line "I know it is ridiculous and that he loves me, not her, but I still hate the fact that they stayed together sooo long. It makes me feel like they settled for each other, and how do I know for sure he isn't just settling for me too?" He pretty much said she was a consolation prize that grew on him. It makes him souond so desperate, like how can someone else be that important?
"He tells me that living with her and staying with her so long were mistakes he made because he was young, that he now knows true love with me and that they just stayed together out of comfort and convenience." He told me the same exact thing.
The thing is that I don't see his ex anywhere and I accidentally met her once. This girl isn't even part of his life anymore, and I've spent countless hours crying over her. And I'm so tired of having a convo about his ex so often. I really want to get over it. he is clearly over it, but I am not. I want to love him, but I feel like I don't want to give away my emotional virignity to someone who can't give me his.
In 3 months, he has already done more for me and tells me he feels more for me than he did with her the entire time. Why isn't this enough? He says he's never been happier and he's the luckiest guy in the world. I'd just feel better if I was the "only girl in the world" like Rihanna's song.
My friends tell me I need to stop before I ruin it.
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female
reader, sinker  +, writes (18 January 2009):
just relax, for god's sake...if you keep harping on things that make you insecure, you're going to lose everything good about your relationship....he explained what was behind moving in with her so get over it...his story isn't going to change and from the sound of it you are trying to get him to make up this revolutionary story that puts your irrational fears to rest. FOCUS ON YOUR FUTURE INSTEAD OF HIS PAST :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): So many woman with the same "problem". We are all the same and I think that in some stage in our life we were the "ex girlfriend" as well.
My boyfriend and I dated when we were in school together 10 years ago. We broke up when he left school (he was one year ahead of me) and went our seperate ways. We hooked up just a little over 10 months ago and things have been going super. We are getting know each other all over again and really enjoying each others company. I get on with all of his friends and family and he does the same. And this is were we all hit the bump... THE EX.
They dated for a few years. She cheated on him and he left her. They had 2 dogs together which are now living with him (real dogs, not kids). She comes over when ever she wants to "walk the dogs". Phones him all the time.
How can people expect me to leave my past in my past and she is still very much part of his now and future. I know how a womans mind works. I have shared this with him to. He is completely over her but she wants him back. And it seems that she will do ANYTHING to get him back. Do I talk to her in a civil matter and let her know that I am the new woman in his life and he is happy. Or do I leave it up to him. Leave him to carry on like he is and she can come and go as she wants????
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): Hey, I have an amazing boyfriend too, we're so great together and we connect on almost every level. I'm 18 and he's 22. But again, there is that one problem, the ex-girlfriend. Even though he reassures me that I'm way more adventurous (in and out of the bedroom), more driven, less annoying, etc., I still have my doubts. It's so hard to realize that he was once in love with someone else. On occasion, he'll still go up to visit her (they both went to the same college, thats how they met, etc.) It was a horrible break up and he's tried so many times to explain it to me, and I understand how you feel. It's hard to know that his love was once for another woman, but you need to understand, that is his PAST and if he wasn't ready to move on with someone else, be in love, and have a relationship longer than 10 months, than he wouldn't. You should never be asked to be alright with it, or to be able to stomach it, but realize that he does love you, and he wants you to know his past, this is why she is talked about. You had a relationship before him as well, but he doesn't hold that in his insecurities, so let it go, let him reassure you when necessary, but deep down, know that you're the one he wants to hold in his arms every night and wake up to every morning. He'll move in with you when he's ready, he just doesn't want to fabricate any false feelings of moving in too soon. So give him time, and it'll work out eventually, she's the past and you're the present/future.
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reader, asphodel +, writes (13 April 2008):
asphodel is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi, this is the original poster... looks like lots of people relate to this problem!!!
well i wanted to let you all know that, for what it's worth, the aforementioned "boyfriend" and i are getting married next month, and i VERY rarely think about the situation any more. like the most recent poster said, when i run into her around town, of course some of those feelings are going to rise to the surface again... but then they are gone as soon as she's out of my sight. gone are the panic attacks, the time spent obsessing and crying and stomping my feet. whatever hold she had over our relationship has faded away over time. we have actually still not been together as long as they have, but are very close to it. in a month it will be 2.5 years... the point at which their relationship ended... and we are going strong. obviously, because 12 days later we will be married!
i moved in with him last summer, a couple months after we got engaged. in the end, i am glad we didn't rush it. ok, by some people's standards, we rushed everything, haha... but for us it was perfect. because when we did move in together, i was much better prepared to accept the fact that i would be comparing myself to her, wondering if living with me was better, etc. and it was far less of an issue than it would have been if i'd moved in just a few months earlier. we actually still live in the same house that they lived in together, which was a big decision for us to make, but was the best for us. the house was not in great condition and he couldn't sell it right away. the best part is, we have put so much work into the house that it is unrecognizable (or would be to her if she ever came over!) and we plan to put it on the market soon after the wedding, when we have the time to deal with that. i have been relieved to find that it definitely feels like it's "our place" and i can say with 100% confidence that her ghost vanished the minute i moved in... and even more so after we painted all the walls and put new flooring in. i suppose it was an expensive exorcism... but worth it in more ways than one!
we have also really distanced ourselves from his friends that still hang around her a lot. i think they are understanding about it... we still hang out from time to time and everything is cool. but the most important thing to me is that my fiance is ok with not seeing them quite as much. i never wanted to take him away from his friends, but ultimately, they drifted apart because the friends were still hanging out with the ex and it was a nightmare for me to go to parties with those people! we all know our boyfriends the best, so it may not be the same in every situation, but i know that my boyfriend was fine with making that sacrifice because it made me happy.
i also think the most recent poster made a good point when she said that in many of these situations, we are women without too much baggage ourselves and who have moved into our boyfriends'/fiances'/husbands' lives, and not the other way around. when you move into someone's life, you are going to bump into their past. there is no way around it. over time though, it just ceases to matter. we all have our reasons for doing this, and my fiance and i have plans to leave this place in a few months, but i know that there is a reason i left my big city life and moved to this little town with him. his life didn't have the flexibility mine did at the time. and besides, i get to pick our next city!
anyway, i just wanted to update you all, and to say thanks for all your advice and kind words... but i am posting this mostly for the girls who are in this situation, to give them hope, because i remember feeling like i would NEVER get over it. back when i posted this problem in september 2006, we'd been together about 10 months, and while i knew i wanted to be with him forever, i knew i did NOT want to be thinking about her forever, and was terrified that i would be. believe me, to say that i have an obsessive and highly emotional personality is the understatement of the millenium. but the point is, somewhere along the line, i DID get over it, much to my shock and wonderment, and it's amazing. i never thought i would be in this place, and it took me a loooong time to get here. i'd say it was about 6 months ago, when we'd been together about 2 years, that i first noticed "whoa. haven't thought about that in a few days!" but now i am here and it's awesome. in fact, last night, i signed into myspace and a mutual friend of mine and the ex's had posted some pictures from some party a few years ago back when my fiance was still with the ex.... there they were, together, on my computer screen, and while before, seeing old pictures of them would have made me sick, now, i get briefly annoyed with the friend for doing what she did, and then i forget about it. our friend wasn't being malicious, she was just reminiscing about old times... but it doesn't mean my fiance is doing the same thing :)
anyway, this is going to sound cheesy, but try to do it anyway. stay strong. be true to yourself. and when your man tells you he loves you, believe him (i know, it's easier said than done). you WILL get through this.
sending good vibes your way...
asphodel
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): Ok, I stumbled across this as once again, I too have this problem about an ex-girlfriend. While a very similar situation, I am engaged and expecting. I do have some theories though. In all these circumstances the women don't have a past that lingers around. I feel that the intense hatred for the ex is not a result of insecurities because we all know our men love us, but yet a little hostile because we don't have the baggage that still exists and is reminded to us constantly. I don't think it gets better as time goes on, I think it becomes a matter of distancing your partner from his past (if possible). It is almost impossible to not have these feelings for the ex because we all want to "start" on a clean slate with that one guy we've searched for our entire lives/ In all of the above entries, the woman has entered into HIS life, past, present and future. However, it doesn't feel like the present and future because the 'past' has been allowed to become the present/ hence our apprehension and emotion to be concerned that this 'allowed present' will continue forever into our future. And is that truly what we want? To have entered into a past relationship? Of course not -- so the ultimatum presents itself: either accept that he has allowed this or deal with it until he is willing to sever ties with his past. (Or at least with her) Is that too much to ask as his partner which he says he loves?? Aren't your feelings and your hapiness important to him? If it truly truly bothers you, he should fix it. In my situation, it took a long time to achieve this. About 10 months. But in the start it was the same, I didn't even go to his house because it would stir things up -- Now, we are happy, expecting a little girl, and have built a life together, but when I run into her, that feeling still exists because I dont want to see her, she is his past -- and therefore doesnt need to be hanging around in my life, annoying me. Ball up, tell your man to fix it, why do we deal with it when he doesn't have to??
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): Im in exactly the same situation right now, this guy i meet was with his ex for 4 yrs and asked me out only 4mnths prior to their breakup. I thought was abit weird being with someone 4 4yrs and being able to get over her in 4months,anyway...
I know that my partner feels for me i cant say love cause he hasnt told me that yet,he just said hes fallen for me so bad....Weve been together for 4months and things have moved quiker than i expected,he wants me over everynight and wants to see me when ever he can. One night we went out and i meet alot of his friends which were also friends with his ex girlfriend,the next morning she shows up at his front door while i was in bed and he was getting ready to go into town.He quikly lures her away and said he did it to protect me and my feelings,at the time i didnt even know that this had all happened...He rang me up from down town and said can u be out of there before me and his ex get there because she was there to collect some of her things,which of course made me feel real sad. So i told him that i wanted to finish things with him because i dont want his past to be around,he said that he doesnt want to finish that he didnt know that she was going to show up and that im really special to him....Anyway long story short were still together....
But one morning he had gone to work and i was at his house, decided to clean up the house and do his washing. As i was putting his socks & boxes away i saw anniversary cards n love cards in his draw,and new i shouldnt have opened it.....I felt broken and it toar me up inside just to see that things in there that he doesnt say to me "love" and he doesnt know that i know about it,but has thrown them away....and in the spare room it still has her stuff in there,makeup, bra's, undies u name it....
So now i am totally confused about wat to do!!!
He said that he has no feelings for her and will never go back to her and that he wants a future with me,how am i suppose to believe that when he still has her things in his house??? Pleasee help me
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): I have a similar problem and I relate to the fact that I haven't been in many relationships before this one and I think that adds to the insecurity. I've been with mine for a year and although she's not in our lives, he used to talk about her all the time, not lovingly but that he hated her and she was crazy and i'm the first girl he ever loved, etc. Still, just the fact that he would talk about her drove me nuts and we had many fights about it until finally it stopped. He recently moved in with me because he's a struggling actor (so was she) and I was on his computer and saw that he googled her. I haven't said anything yet, I'm still pretty upset about it, after all the fights we had why is he googling her if he hates her? The only reason I can think of that might not make me as upset is that she's an actress too and maybe he wanted to see if she got any work, I dont' know. But if he's living with me and contacting her, I'm not cool with that. Sorry I was trying to help you but have started to go on and on about me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): I'm facing the same problem, except my boyfriend actually openly admits that he still misses her. Heh. And I don't even dare to bring her up, because he gets depressed. (He has chronic depression, and I suspect a touch of bipolarism.) So be glad that your boyfriends are able to discuss their exs with you honestly! ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): I only found this because I've been browsing the internet in the hope that I would find an answer to your very question. I find it un bearable when I hear the mention of her name, and things they had once done or shared together before we did. The fact that their relationship obviously had flaws that ours doesnt , is infact more infuriating as it seems that he is just un willing to let go, she has a hold over him that I don't and I feel second best . It's hard when the person means everything to you. All I can say which may be of some help to you, is that it's you who he's with now and obviously just doesnt want to rush things and make mistakes that he did in the last relationship, in the hope that it will be more successfull.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2006): I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I met at work so we have that in common but his group of friends is really close and his ex-girlfriend is part of that group of friends.
We have been dating for over six months but he won't let me even meet his friends because he doesn't want his ex to know that he is dating someone new. He broke up with her so I know he doesn't want to be with her but he doesn't want to hurt her either because she is still really inlove with him so he would rather keep us a secret.
He also doesn't think that his group of friends will accept me easily because they are a bit clicky so you're lucky that his friends like you.
I know he loves me because I've been in quite a few bad relationships so I know when a guy loves me and when he doesn't but that doesn't fix the ex-girlfriend issue. The way I deal with it is I tell myself that he's with me because he wants to be, he has made that choice and I have to trust him that he knows how to handle our relationship. I've explained how I felt and he understands but he wants to take our relationship slow and I've just realised that I have to respect that.
My sister once said to me "If a relationship is meant to be then it will work and you can't fuss and push and make it be want you want it be." So my advice is just be patient.
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reader, asphodel +, writes (14 September 2006):
asphodel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's funny, I always felt so alone in this situation because none of my friends have been through it, my mom thinks I'm nuts... they pretty much all say the same thing-- "What's the big deal?" They think I should just be happy, and since we are together now it's reason enough to not think about the past. Believe me, if I could make my mind work that way, I would!
Anyway, I totally understand where you're coming from. I think the fact that your boyfriend asked you to move in is a really good sign. And as for him respecting her more than you... I seriously doubt it. She's someone in his life who went through a rough time and he was there for her, so naturally she's still attached. Her dad died, and even though she had cheated on him, TWICE, your boyfriend was still willing to help her through that. To me that says he must really be a great guy. Maybe she finally realized that which is why she wanted him back. But if he is so great, he deserves to be with someone like you-- someone who loves him and knows how lucky you are to have him and would never cheat on him. And he probably KNOWS that and realizes how good he has it with you. He made the choice not to be with her, and he made the choice to be with you all this time and now wants to live together. I mean, you sound like you are ok with the fact that they are friends, which many girlfriends would not be, and I know he appreciates that. I am sure my boyfriend would be happy if I didn't get so upset about him having occasional contact with his ex. So to me it sounds pretty good!
What I have been trying to tell myself lately, since I already know I'm lucky to have him, is that he's lucky to have me too, and I am a step up from the ex. I try to not make it a comparing game between me and her, but that's what it turns into a lot. Still, it helps! I know it's true what they say and that with time, we will both be ok. It's just making it through this time without losing my mind or my boyfriend that's the hard part.
Maybe we can help each other through this!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): I googled "ex girlfriend insecurity" and came upon your story. I felt like I wrote your story when I wasn't paying attention. I go through the same thing and I actually do live with my boyfriend. We have been together for just about a year and he recently asked me to move into his house. I'm also 24. My boyfriend and his ex girlfriend lived together briefly (due to circumstances). But that's the thing, they went through so much together. My boyfriend was very close to his ex's family, they were together for 4 years. Her father was acutally the victim of a sensless homicide. Even though he had just found out she was cheating on him (for the second time)he stuck with her through the toughest of times. They are still in contact with one another, he claims just for her to keep him posted on the trial. I am a jealous girl to begin with (based on insecurity as well I would assume) and this just makes it so hard. The poor girl has been through so much, I can't dislike her but I can't stand the thought of her sneaking back into his life. He claims that right before we met, she had told him that she wanted to see him and possibly start dating again and he gave it thought but couldn't do that. In my mind though, I feel like she is a better person than me and he will always have such a great respect for her that I can't possibly compete with her importance in his life. It really eats me up inside but my boyfriend is a Scorpio and we've talked about it at length numerous times. I go through bouts with this insecurity. I just feel like if I bring it up again, he will think I've lost my mind. I just want so badly for us to work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2006): Scoripios are loving but very reserved...just take care of yourself Sweetie and Best of Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Well then, if you know this then stop being caught up in your fears and insecurities.
How was the homelife as I believe that is where everyone's insecurities are FIRST born.
Just remain focused on the good.
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female
reader, asphodel +, writes (6 September 2006):
asphodel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thanks so much again. Yes we are definitely well-matched and very loving towards each other... I'd say I'm a little more affectionate, but he definitely is too. He is a Scorpio.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): We Leos tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves; we feel most of our lives.
When we are happy, we are super happy...ELATED and it shows to everyone...when we are down, we feel it and it is most unbearable.
We are our emotions and we must be careful to not let them rule us as when we are caught up in the emotion our thinking is clouded; but this goes for anyone really.
Is he a cancer? He sounds like he is a very sensitive man and very affectionate. He also may be suffering from self image/self esteem too. It may not appear that he is at first but he may be sensitive to critism and can not tell between constructive and deconstructive.
Either way; you are perfectly matched in that you are both very loving and very affectionate.
I am a Leo and my BF is a cancer so I had a bit of deja vu going on when I read what you had to say.
Suffice it to say; when I got perspective about my worth and value to him-that I am the one he has choosen to marry and have his children with...I am most honored and humbled that he love me so much.
It will work out.
Stay in touch Sweetie.
*hugs*
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female
reader, asphodel +, writes (6 September 2006):
asphodel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and one more thing... I KNOW this is true love and most definitely real. While I only have the one "relationship" (if you can even call it that) to compare with, I just know. And my boyfriend has always told me that this is much more real than any relationship he has been in before.
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reader, asphodel +, writes (6 September 2006):
asphodel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would feel more comfortable and more secure with one...is that what this is? You feel you are in limbo as nothing indicates this is "real" that this is "truth" as there is no ring and no living with him???Oh, and as for an engagement ring... while I am confident we will get married someday, I am in no hurry to be engaged. We are both young and knowing that we will be married someday is enough for now. As for living together, that's honestly something I probably wouldn't have even wanted had he not lived with the ex. It's almost just a competitive thing, stupid I know. I just want him to WANT to live with me, to have me around all the time, etc. We spend 6 nights a week together as it is and since I am moving soon to me it seems logical to move in together, but I know that isn't what he wants and I respect that and am trying to understand why.
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reader, asphodel +, writes (6 September 2006):
asphodel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you both so much for your advice... what I meant by "why her and not me" is why did he want to live with her, and doesn't want to with me. I am sure that like you two suggested, he is taking it slow because he doesn't want to mess things up or repeat a past mistake. And that is what he told me when I asked him. For some reason, even though he says all the right things and I know he is sincere, I still feel insecure and like I am lacking in some quality that she had. I know it is ridiculous and that he loves me, not her, but I still hate the fact that they stayed together sooo long. It makes me feel like they settled for each other, and how do I know for sure he isn't just settling for me too? I think it all boils down to insecurity, and that is what I am working on. It just helps to hear encouraging words, so thank you :)And yes, I am a Leo! How'd you know?
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reader, asphodel +, writes (6 September 2006):
asphodel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you both so much for your advice... what I meant by "why her and not me" is why did he want to live with her, and doesn't want to with me. I am sure that like you two suggested, he is taking it slow because he doesn't want to mess things up or repeat a past mistake. And that is what he told me when I asked him. For some reason, even though he says all the right things and I know he is sincere, I still feel insecure and like I am lacking in some quality that she had. I know it is ridiculous and that he loves me, not her, but I still hate the fact that they stayed together sooo long. It makes me feel like they settled for each other, and how do I know for sure he isn't just settling for me too? I think it all boils down to insecurity, and that is what I am working on. It just helps to hear encouraging words, so thank you :)And yes, I am a Leo! How'd you know?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Oh...did he buy you an engagement ring?
I would feel more comfortable and more secure with one...is that what this is? You feel you are in limbo as nothing indicates this is "real" that this is "truth" as there is no ring and no living with him???
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Honey, with time and with some good cleaning...and it is too bad that bf cannot take the time to do some help with "excercising" her things from the house...this upset and pain will fade.
You are a woman and therefore will attach more meaning to the letter and other items of hers. To him, it's just stuff.
That he gave you consent to throw out anything of hers should tell you that it is just stuff that has no meaning to him whatsoever.
What do you mean why her and not you? You were off in another town having your own life and dating another while he was doing the same thing. It is how life is...it is separate of one another until you meet up and decide to let the other in your life.
You are overlooking that YOU are his girl. You are his future...you have more meaning and more purpose than his Ex girlfriend; his past.
You live with him. You get to build a life with him. You make him happy and his friends have told you time and again how much they appreciate that you let him be himself....this being yourself is BIG for EVERYONE. And not just anyone can do it as his friends have told you.
Start making memories with some of his friends and you; go paintballing.
Have you talked to BF about how uncomfortable you are with the Ex hanging around? Don't go overboard but at least ask for a few months of him and you and no Ex. Jealousy isn't restricted to just women.
You are getting caught up in the whole " my worth is less than her worth and value to him" because of all the things he didn't do with you. It's hard when you are in this state of mind; state of being.
Honey, he has probably learned his lesson about living with someone when he wasn't ready; he is being cautious and that is okay. Maybe he thinks if you move in the relationship will nosedive. Have you talked to him and LISTENED to what he is saying on this topic?
I have been in your situation and what it comes down to is trust. You have to trust in him about what he says and even though him having things of hers looks like he is lying...he isn't...he is just being a male and doesn't make the connection.
Trust in him.
You are fortunate to have his love and be his girl.
You need to look in the mirror and say I make him happy, I am his girl, I am his future.
Focus on the positive. Maybe get some couple's counselling so that he can better understand your side of things as he may not know just how deeply you feel about this all.
BTW...are you a Leo?
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reader, joeymac +, writes (6 September 2006):
Hey Hun,
I feel so sorry for you but as an outsider without all the emotions involved I can see things a bit more clearly. I don't think u have anything to worry about, it is totally natural to feel so distressed about something like this especially as she is in your face all the time. Don't compare yourself to her, I think your boyfriend really wants things to work between u which is why he doesn't want to rush anything because u are too important to him and he doesn't want to ruin things. I know you must be really hurting after reading that letter but everyone feels like that when they split with someone they've spent time with, I bet u have with the person who messed u about, u just don't remember it now because you're crazy about someone else who your ex doesn't even compare to, and that's exactly how your boyfriend feels about you. Why don't you bring it up next time you feel a twinge of insecurity and without moaning tell your boyfriend how it makes you feel let him know you're serious and he might decide to go out of the way when his ex is around to make you feel more comfortable. Good luck, but don't forget everyone has history, try not to get offended by your boyfriend he got with her when he didn't know you existed, but now he does he probably feels like the luckiest man in the world, he probably doesn't even remember how he felt for his ex.
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