A
male
age
36-40,
*evil Crazy
writes:This is gonna be a very long post, so I seek your patience and understanding.Let me provide some background information first. I am 24 this year, moving into the last year of university in a tough course and doing reasonably well. I am the only child in the family which, unfortunately, had been tumultuous all these years due to the presence of a chauvinistic and abusive (though responsible) dad. Countless were the times when me and my mum had to withstand his abuse that, my memories consist of scars after scars.My main concerns these few years can be categorized into two categories: success and relationships. Studies and career-wise, I know I have a good chance of succeeding at them due to my intelligence, diligence and constant willingness to improve. However, on the other hand, relationships have been my Achilles heel. I have had two, both ended in failure. And I am currently single.Lately I came across this blog, which left me both amazed yet shocked:http://divalion.livejournal.com/163615.htmlFor those who do not have much time on their hands, this blog is about nice guys and assholes, the comparison between them, from a female's point of view. Which got me thinking.I consider myself to be a nice guy with a *wee bit* of asshole tendencies...to make things simple, I'll sum up my good and bad points, romantic-wise:Good points about me:1). Sweetness. I love to say sweet nothings, praise the girl for her cuteness etc, as well as being genuinely gentle to my partner.2). Wholeheartedness. When I like/am in love with someone, I always like/love her wholeheartedly, without any trace of hypocrisy. However, that got me hurt frequently as well.3). Considerate. I would not push my partner to do things she doesn't want to and I always seek her opinion openly beforehand.4). Good listener. Close female friends of mine admire my ability to listen and emphatise. There were a few occasions whereby I stuck to the phone with a female friend late into the wee hours.5). Patience. I like relationships to be built on a strong foundation with deep understanding between the man and the woman. My 2nd ex tried to press things a bit in the past, but I chose to take things step by step.Bad things about me: 1). Sarcasm. I can be quite sarcastic at times, especially in a heated argument or passing off a casual joke.2). Mood swings. My mood swings tend to be a bit irregular, for I have a very active mind which constantly recalls bits and pieces of information, memories from the past, both good and bad.3). Pessimism. I have a tendency to look at things primarily from the bad side, which puts me into intermittent spells of distraught from time to time.4). Socially tepid. Slight problem here. Though I am improving all the time, I still feel a bit uncomfortable and subsequently, slow to open up when meeting new people.5). Tends to take things personally. Sensitivity is my nature. I am very sensitive to the feelings of people around me, particularly closed ones and my partner. However, this also makes me more reactive to comments and such that are radically different from mine.So, sometimes I wonder whether I would fall in love again, if at all. I try to be nonchalant on the surface but, deep down, there is something all scrunched up and bitter. Sometimes I also worry that, if I don't act now, all the eligible girls would be taken up. However, apart from making more contacts and improving myself, I can't really do much.I value success in career and relationships equally. For relationships, I guess the main issue is that, I want to strive to be entirely different from my dad (who is a bad example), but that's a struggle as the saying goes, 'like father like son'. I genuinely want to love a woman wholeheartedly and be loved likewise in return.On the other hand, I am also rather sexual though I have not done the actual thing before. I do have my needs, but I don't want to take advantage of a woman because of my needs. My ideal notion of sex is one infused with strong emotions and foundation.Guys and gals (particularly gals) out there, what else do you think I can improve on? Do you see any potentially glaring problem within myself? Please answer honestly.Thanks in advance...Devil Crazy
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Forgive yourself, and stop pushing yourself so hard. Your perfect just as you are, faults and all. When the time comes the right woman will find you and will love you exactly as you are. Your doing fine, relationships fail all the time, and it probably has nothing to do with you or your past. You care and that's enough for most women.
Enjoy yourself, have fun, relax. You are very young and have the whole of your life ahead of you. It's to early to start worrying about your mistakes and faults that you may have made in life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): You sound like every mother in law's dream; now just to find the daughter!
You seem like a very nice guy who knows what he wants and what he is heading towards; keeping going!
You are doing well and I am sure you will find the right girl; be patient; she out there somewhere,at the right time you willdiscover each other.
For now focus on your studies and go out with friends.
You are young enjoy your freedom and when you meet the "right" one who will love you, value you and aprreciate you, remember to send me an invite to the wedding! (lol)
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 You want honesty... so considering that... here it goes:
You come off as a little full of yourself, doesn't mean you are, just that you come off that way. That would particularly hurt when meeting a girl as you are not there to find a perfect one but to get to know her -the one in front of you at that moment-. If you will like her and bond and be happily ever after, that comes later, for the moment you just want to meet her and value that time with her.
Pessimism is a really bad one -at least for me-. We are living in very difficult times and having a partner who continuously stresses how difficult every little thing could be... not good. I understand things are difficult but smiling and looking at the glass half full (even if it is sometimes about 1/3) is a better choice. Working on that would be a plus!
The sensitivity part I think comes from over analyzing. Did you study psych? Sounds like it! lol... The thing is not everything is about you and you need to understand that and whenever a comment comes your way don't react... breathe and think... it might not be worth the effort!
You also seem to be a tid bit dramatic! lol Maybe I will never have a girlfriend again? I can almost hear soap opera music in the background!! Of course you will! And I kinda think you know you will you are devil crazy! lol
I do think you are a good guy and that you will find a special -or maybe more than one special- someone/s. Working in being a better man for yourself and your future partner is a great way to go! Hope this helps, or makes you smile, take care and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Phoenix-Rose  +, writes (17 June 2008):
I honestly see nothing wrong with you at all. There are no bad points they are just you and people will have to accpet that as who you are. Everyone can take time to meet new people and it takes longer to feel relaxed in their company. Whereas me personally i like people who can be sarcastic so i dont see this as a bad thing either. I think you just have to be yourself and learn to say f"@** you to those who hurt you and try and find better things to help you move on. :)
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (17 June 2008):
 While I think that trying to look at yourself objectively and understand your inner motives for your actions is a very good thing, I also think that too much self-analysis can be destructive.
It's not what's good about you or bad about you that matters, it's understanding why you do what you do - and putting right the things that are done for the wrong reasons.
As far as good or bad in relationships goes, I suggest you take notice of the reply to that article from "ladysprite" - the simplistic reply sums up the correct attitude nicely, and being a really "nice guy" who WILL get the woman he wants is very little more than extending that attitude to every area of a relationship:
"nice guys, in my experience, tend to understand physical contact as an end of its own, instead of assuming that everything from hugging to handholding is a prelude to immediate sex"
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