A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need help to stop being an idiot, and would appreciate any insight.I am in love with whom I believe to be (despite a lifetime of DISbelief in the concept) my soulmate. I've been in relationships before, was married for ten years, and through all of that have never felt what I feel for this woman...and by all her words, actions, and everything else, it's completely reciprocated.The only stumbling block that I have is leftover fear from past experiences. I know, I know...we have to let go of that stuff, and I'm working on it...and SHE is aware of it, and is being very patient and trying to help me.The situation that brings this up is that there is a man whom she was involved with on and off again for a large part of her life that still makes appearances from time to time. She's told him in no uncertain terms that they are finished, that she is in love with me, and that we are to be married. He's resistant to this, and continues to pester her. She has told me that, because he has been such a part of her life, she will always care about him, although never in a romantic way. Instead of telling him to get lost, she still answers his e-mails and phone calls, but always lets me read them if I want to, or listen if I want to.Am I wrong to wish that she would simply cut him off, banish him from her life? I mean, I want to be sensitive to her feelings, and would never want to be THAT guy that says "I don't care how long you two were friends/lovers/friends again, you're with ME now, so he's gotta be forgotten"...but at the same time, every time he e-mails or calls and she talks to him, it drives me up the wall...and I'm afraid of that causing a rift between she and I.I want more than anything to surrender to my heartfelt belief that she means everything she says, that we are madly in love, and that whatever passes between she and this guy is absolutely nothing more than she says it is......but that nagging doubt simply will NOT be silenced. I have absolutely no reason, not an inkling of an action or word, to mistrust her...yet this makes me crazy.Any wisdom?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know, I can relate to what the last poster said very well...Felt that way myself, but the situation was one that I couldn't deal with directly...
However, following the good advice I'd been given, this problem has been rectified. I drew the line where my feelings about the situation were, and she understood...and I sat there as she called him and severed the ties.
Thank you all again!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): *sigh* men really are history aren't they? Nothing more than domesticated pets these days. Listen up pal, you're both guys. I'm kinda getting tired of reading all these problems about men with no self respect. This man is completely DISRESPECTING you, he knows your partner is taken and still continues to try and get her. You know what the worst part is? He knows that you know and he doesn't care. That's just total disrespect. Become a man and deal with it like men. Sorry if that sounds... primitive but seriously I'm getting sick of men crying like babies when some other guy steals their woman. Fix the problem. Thats what a man would do.
PS your lady will forgive you, her ex was simply asking for trouble
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all; this IS all good advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): Hi, I really feel for you, I'm in exactly the same position only his ex lives down the road from him and i'm 2 hours away. They still spend time together when i'm not there. She has him round for dinner and she turns up at his house whenever she feels like it.
He has known her 5 years and his wife ran off with her husband so that bought them together. Romanticly it didn't work out for them but they have vowed to always be best friends. I love this guy so much and i know he loves me too but the line has to be drawn somewhere.
People say that an ex is an ex for a reason and he is with you now, but if that's the case, then why do they have to stay so close.
I think personaly that people should move on if there are no feelings but at the moment i'm not sure what i should do. they will always be friends, i know that much.
I wish i could give you the answer but i don't know it myself. I wish you luck and let us know how you get on x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): She is with you now, he is the PAST. If she doesn't make him the PAST, then she isn't for you, and you should move on to someone else. However, I would allow her to be 'civil' to him. Harmless e-mails that don't include sexual connotations are OK. Especially since she lets you read them. Phone calls are iffy. I personally would never let my wife have phone calls with an ex-boyfriend unless it was only 'real casual' like, I just heard so-and-so just died or got married, just letting you know. Nothing about there past together should be allowed.
She isn't going to forget about him, he is part of her past, but she also shouldn't remember or think anything romantic or sexual about him since she has 'supposedly' given her heart to you now. Let her communicate with him a few times a year about casual stuff, if it appears to be more often than that, or if it seems like to personal of stuff, then you do have a right to forbid her contacting her, but try the 'nice guy' approach first. See what she does with it. That will indicate a real lot of her feelings and committment to you and your relationship.
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, philipgifts +, writes (4 March 2009):
 I think that she just doesn't want to loose that friend ship.It's like a best frend,its nice to know there around and your the one who's marrying her,not the other way around,right.You have this in your hands your the guy, soon to be,not him.If you were dating someone like her but found out it wasn't going to be,you'd still want her as a friend b/c of her insite to things,and knowing what to say in most situations right.I think thats as far as its going to go,its ran its course with them now,and its your guys turn know. They didn't deside to get married in all the time that they were together so whats changed,now except your getting married and not him.Let there friend ship be b/c if you brake there friend ship,I think it will shatter your relationship.Tell her that you except him b/c you guys are marrying and theres nothing you should worry about from that friend ship b/c a friend ships,a friend ship,and a relationship,is a relationship period.
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