A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been talking to this guy who I met through a dating website for 6 weeks now. We became friends on facebook and have been texting for awhile. We've been skyping probably every other day or so for the last month because he lives in a different state. Everything seems to be going unbelievably well with him and there isn't a lot that I can find fault with from what I know. He has almost all the qualities I'm looking for in a boyfriend and talking to him has felt really natural. We've talked a few times about meeting in person and he often brings it up or talks about a potential future with me. Recently he's started asking more serious questions especially about past boyfriends. I haven't lied about anything although I've been kind of vague about some things because I don't think he really needs to know everything. Tonight he pressured me into telling him how many people I've slept with. He's at 2 because it's something that's really important to him. He's made it really clear that sex isn't an option for him until months after an actual relationship. So I was already getting nervous about telling him I was at 5 and when I did, it was probably a million times worse than I expected. He became really upset and I could tell he was starting to consider things differently. He kept saying how everything else was so close to being perfect with me but this is something he has to seriously think about. He said he's not sure if it's going to be a dealbreaker. I got kind of defensive and explained that this all happened before I even knew he existed. While I'm not proud of my number, I can't change it even if I wanted to. It's not something I did intentionally to hurt him and would take it back if I could. We talked in circles for almost 2 hours and by the end of the conversation he was saying it was going to be fine and that I didn't have to worry about it. But I don't understand because only an hour earlier he was saying he didn't know and it was something he had to think about. I feel like since he is so far away it would be easier for him to just give up since he's not that invested.He told me that a girl having low or no numbers has always been something he needed to have in a serious relationship or a wife. I just don't understand how my past dumb decisions that I made impacts who I am today or how many other things we do have going right. I can't imagine lying to him but I almost wish I hadn't been truthful about this. I just don't know what to do or how to go about things from now on. Is it wrong to think he shouldn't be this upset over things from my past?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): OP, without being judgemental (although I may sound it) let me try to explain the issue you have. I have seen both sides of what you are experiencing and have lost much sleep and cried many tears.Firstly you hear many comments saying your "number" is not relevent. Well clearly it is because it upsets a guy you like and may end a relationship that might otherwise have been just right for you. Also your attitudes do change, you are a different person after a number of sexual relationships even though as everone says, you feel like the same person.People, young people especially, put romantic meaning into sex, but, just like christmas, the special romantic feeling wears off the more you experience it. If he is a vigin and you have sex then probably it will mean more to him than to you. You are not sharing the same "experience". People also mostly prioritize finding a life partner before a sex partner, and from my experience a man or woman is far less likely to commit and invest in a relationship the more partners they have had. They also show far more insecurity and criticism of relationship "values". For what they are worth I think statistics also bear this out quite clearly.The worse outcome is that the partner with the higher number gets judged less worthy or fit for loving.In your current situation I think you either take a lot of time to understand each other better, or you agree that on some sexual compatibility level you are not suited. Its not just his fault.Eventually for most people sex ends up as a pleasant recreation, it is also used as a means of testing faithfulness and grounds for divorce ..... far from the great meaningful show of romance!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013):
@ Jannipeg,
That is a lot of text. But it sounds like your bottom line is still that RJ must be rooted in insecurity and you know better when people claim its not.
You have the right to your opinion but come on. How well would people take it if I made a blanket statement that having casual sex means you are insecure?
I would not push such a far out viewpoint. I don't think I completely understand everyone so well, so much better than they even understand themselves. Are you open to that possibility? Then please stop saying RJ = insecurity. Just thinking you know what makes someone else tick after hearing on one of their dating preferences alone is insulting. How could you possibly be very unbiased about your views when you feel insulted by their preference? I have biases too but I don't profess to understand you better than you do.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 December 2013):
 Same as when women are upset that their husbands watching porn and as usual, our agony aunts would suggest that she gets over her insecurity issues but someone will always deny it's a matter of insecurity but rather porn watching is immoral or cheating. Doesn't change the fact that the consensus agrees that there are many men who are insecure about the number and women who are insecure about their attractiveness.
I get that people who have a string of one night stands and drunken hook ups have addiction problems that brought them to mental health professionals. The patients do not represent the whole population though. There are swingers, alternative lifestylers who are open and relaxed about what they do, and have had no issues of their partners getting jealous. The reason why the agony aunts are thinking that the guy mentioned is insecure because the number 5 is hardly anything to be alarmed about. Retroactive jealousy is a common topic here and it often involves a partner who obsesses and can't stop the images that haunt them. Retroactive jealousy is also very hard to admit and men feel shameful and stupid to have this in this modern world. So it feels better to make it a moral issue so the problem becomes the woman's and he never has to adjust his attitude. All he needs is a woman who is insecure enough to feel that her past is wrong and would do anything to make it right. The guy decides to stay despite that knowing that he might never get over it, it's easier to have a relationship now than to find a virgin, or any other "non waiter" woman who would deal with his close minded attitude. A secure woman would not want to waste time waiting for an insecure man to get over it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): @ jannipeg,
Mental health professionals will tell you that having a greater number of casual sex partners correlates A WHOLE LOT better with insecurity than having fewer.
Granted, people are unique and statistics don't describe them individually.
But its really absurd that people with fewer partners have to defend their viewpoint against accusations of being insecure. Accusations of insecurity should be running the other way, if anything.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 December 2013):
The guy has a right to have a preference for women having a low number. We also have a right to judge that this is not about a moral issue but a guy being insecure or immature. And male anon has a right to not like what we think, and that's not going to change the majority of opinion here.
It could be moral reasons why men prefer virginal women but most of the times men like this are hiding under a cloak of self loathing and wishing his past was different. On the surface he's saying sex is important and should be taken seriously but in real life many guys couldn't get laid, get rejected a lot so they feel bad about themselves and finding the need to put women down.
It's either a deal breaker or not, there's no working it out or accepting it. If he could accept it then there shouldn't have been a 2 hour conversation about this, which is nuts. He knows that most women have a higher number than him, that's why he's "thinking about it." Even before you met he's set the stage where you always have to be appeasing him and he's on the upper hand. I find that guys who define women by their numbers to be close minded and sexist, and THIS, is the real deal breaker here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): He might didn't think that you had that number you probably don't look like you do. Then when he thinks that you may not want to stop with just him. SO its insecurities on his part that you may wanf to continue and he want be enough. Of course at first he would not be alright with the number you gave. Also he most likely had to think and put his self into your shows and not be judging but be understanding. Then that why he recanted and was like its cool that everything from the pass is the pass.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 December 2013):
 I'm 100% with CaringGuy I think he explained it perfectly!
Your numbers, his numbers are IRRELEVANT. For several reason, but the biggest one.. it's something YOU CAN NOT change.
YOU shouldn't feel like you have to lie to a guy or have regrets over your number.
I think it's was GOOD it came out now, I IF I were you I would END this now. Because he will NOT forget this or stop holding it over you head. Plus this is a LDR which make things seem blown out of proportions from time to time.
He is delusional. He thinks ALL girls should NEVER have sex til they perhaps met him, because HE wants a women with no experience or "untouched". But at the same time, HE has had TWO sexual relationships and that is somehow OK because he'd got a dick?
YOU did nothing WRONG, so do NOT apologize to him or feel bad.
If he wants a VIRGINAL girl he should look for THAT. The fact that he doesn't seem to grasp that 1. women are JUST as sexual creatures as men are. 2. this is 2013 3. A WOMAN'S sexuality or sexual past is NOT what DEFINES her.
Also if the other two women he dated were virgins when he had sex with them and YET he didn't marry them? So now they are "broken" or "not good enough" according to him. HOW is that OK?
Sorry, I would dump this guy and I would do it quick.
And honey, if it wasn't your number, THIS guy would have found other faults with you. In case you don't see it yourself, he is doing the whole "putting YOU down" so she will feel "grateful" for his attention and whatever little bread crumbs of affection he tosses your way. It's controlling, manipulative and down right disgusting.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): I really dislike the constant mantra that people like this guy are immature or insecure. They have different viewpoints. Moral beliefs. Why does something have to come from a 3000-year-old text just to count as a strong moral/religious belief? The O.P. slept with 5 people and the guy only 2. The numbers do not sound very far apart but what are the conditions? Maybe the OP's number included casual encounters or outside relationships and the guy's did not. For the sake of argument, sleeping with 2 serious partners shows a much different attitude than sleeping with one serious partner and 4 very casual ones. Its only 2 and 5 but it shows very different feelings about sex. Has anyone asked the OP about the circumstances of her 5? No, they just hear the numbers and assume the guy is being a hypocrite - because that is what they already wanted to find. That is not being fair to the guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): I personally couldn't care less about my partner's previous encounters, but for some people it's important. If it was me I wouldn't be honest like you with any man about mypast, it's non of his business.
If heis like that there is nothing you can do. Frankly I wouldn't even stay with him after his remarks. For me it's immature, and sexist. But as for his right to be upset about, it's legitimate. He is entitled to his opinion, but so are you entitled to your opinion about him. Now it's your choice to stay with someone who is like that or go find someone who is easy going, light hearted and open minded.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): In my experience--this issue will never go away.
I strongly advise moving on to a guy who won't care so much about your number (5 isn't that many, anyway). This guy is being an insecure hypocrite and that is an issue he will probably be dealing with for a long time.
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A
male
reader, J.B  +, writes (7 December 2013):
I have to agree with CaringGuy here, I would advise cutting contact with this guy.If this was something to do with religion or other beliefs then that is all good and well. However if he is happy to have slept with people then why should his partners be any different? Everybody has a past and especially at your age it is quite unlikely for people not to have had sexual relations with others. These kind of people are usually found to be insecure and will hold this against you because of their own negative self image.If you do want to keep in contact with him I would suggest just explaining that a new relationship should not start with all kinds of expectations of each other and huge commitments. Entering into a relationship should be about creating an enjoyable future with some not trying to make them feel bad about their past... Especially when there really is no reason to feel bad about it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): Your number is not bad by any means, he's just being a big baby. I hope that this git didn't make you feel upset
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks CaringGuy, your answer really helped me put things in perspective. I appreciate that you took the time to read my post and answer in detail, it truly means a lot to me.Take care :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 December 2013):
Actually, being truthful was the best thing, because now you know what he's really all about. This is the problem, largely, with getting to know people without actually meeting them in person. It's just a bit harder to understand them and get to know them.
The actual number of people you have slept with isn't really that important. It doesn't matter if it's 1, 10 or 100. It's meaningless, because just sleeping with someone isn't what's important. He's slept with 2, and is getting up set with your number of 5? He's coming across as a bit of a hypocrite to be saying anything about you past for starters, given that he wants low or no numbers. And, to be honest, he just comes across as immature, not understanding, insecure and jealous.
Of all the posts that do get to me, I have to say the ones like this one, where men have had sex and expect women not to have done, do annoy me the most. And it always amazes me that the women who then post these feel like you - that they've done something wrong, and should change it all for some man who can't grasp that women aren't Nuns or old maids!
I personally think that, given that you've only known him for 6 weeks and you've not actually met him, you'd be better just cutting him out and saying that he's not the one for you. Men like this simply don't change, they just don't. He will always use this as a way of putting you down and controlling you. And I don't like that. Neither should you.
He shouldn't be upset about this. At all. He has no right. Still, it's done you a favour - now you know what he's really like. Major red flag.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): This is a very common situation called "retroactive jealousy." As your case proves, the word jealousy is not the most accurate term for a lot of people.It's just a normal difference between men and women. Not every guy feels this way but a whole lot of guys do, to greater or lesser extents. Its because of evolution, no better, no worse. There are many threads on this topic and it has been discussed at GREAT, GREAT LENGTH before. Many times. Should this guy care about your past of 5 guys? Look at it this way: Should you want a guy within certain age range?Should you want a guy with one religion or another? Should you want a guy who makes a certain amount of money? Should you want a guy who is a certain race or attractiveness? Are you unfairly judging everyone on earth who does not match your personal dating preferences? Picking dating partners is not about obeying the rules of "should". If this issue is important to this guy then he has the right to care about it. Just like you would have the right to object to how FEW partners he has had if you chose. If your past did not affect who you are today then we wouldn't ask people about their criminal histories, their career achievements, educations, past employment references . . . everywhere in life, our past is taken to be VERY important to people evaluating us for the future. What makes your sexual history different? What makes it get an exception to the rule which applies to EVERYTHING else in life?You are free to live your sex life however you choose. But you don't get to decide how other people should feel about your actions. Freedom comes with responsibility. You had the freedom to have sex with those 5 people. But that comes with the responsibility to accept that not every guy on earth will find your actions very attractive. I hope it works out with this guy. But if he cannot put this behind him - SOON - then DO NOT expect it to get better over time. It usually will not get easier for someone in his shoes to deal with later, not even in 10 or 20 or 30 years. He needs to make a choice to either accept you the way you are, past and all, or else break things off. Nothing in between. You need to accept that he has the right to feel how he does even if it means he cannot be with you. (As long as he remains basically respectful about it.)This is not a moral issue but rather a compatibility problem. He is not judging you. He is not saying you are unworthy of anyone's respect and love. He just has a strong personal preference about sexual habits in a relationship partner and it does not quite match up with you. It may be a deal breaker, it may not.
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